I am happy and I believe in myself.

I love you.

More than anything, I'm in love with you. And even if I don't need you, I want you in my life. I love you.

I hate when people don't say goodbye.

I don't need you. And I cannot possibly fathom why you don't say goodbye. Why would any human being just disappear without saying goodbye? It's mean. It makes me worried and it plays with my emotions. Why do you always just disappear from my life without saying anything to me? Why is that okay? I hate when people don't say goodbye or goodnight. Would you just put down the phone and walk away from it in the middle of a phone call? Why do you always disappear? Why?

I spent the past few hours being furious at you for this, but now I really just miss you. I really just wish you were here to hold me because this whole thing has been so hard for me. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!! I get furious at myself when I show you how broken I am because I want to be perfect for you. I want to be happy and healthy for you. Most of all, I want to be myself for you... And this past few days I've been anything but myself. I'm ashamed of how I've been. I want to be better, for me and for you.

lonely

I'm really trying to start over and be positive and find me.

It's hard because I've reached a period in my life we're I'm facing all of my problems alone. All my issues with myself, with my family and friends, with school.. I'm in a new environment and I know no one. More than ever, I'm the only person who can make me happy and make this summer good. It's all in my hands - and that terrifies me.

But I know that I need this.


My freshman year of college, I didn't make very many friends. I'm embarrassed to being admitting this and even thinking about it just hurts. I got very sick at the beginning of the year when everyone was making friends. I didn't bond with the girls in my hall. I had mono and stayed in bed for a long time. I missed out on meeting new people. By then, classes had started to get serious so I spent more time staying in and studying than I did going out and having fun. I kept to myself, kept to my schoolwork, instead of making friends. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not at all. I honestly have no friends.
It sucks because the year before, my senior year of high school, I lost a lot of the friends I grew up with. We stopped seeing eye to eye, my interests changed and I matured and we all grew apart - or I grew apart from the group. I was looking forward to college because I wanted to have friends again. The end of my senior year could not come sooner because I was so lonely. And here I am, a year later, still lonely.

My goal in the fall is to make friends. I already got good grades and made Dean's list, now I have to do something for my own benefit and make friends. It's hard for me because I've been alone for so long that I'm starting to wonder if I belong alone.
I'm even spending the summer alone, somewhere I've never been before, where I don't know anyone. I'm really just trying to get a job so I can meet people and maybe find a place I feel comfortable and happy being me. So that I'm not spending every day alone, reading a book.



I miss being happy, and having someone to share that happiness with. Whenever I start to get really positive and happy and excited about life, I realize I have no one to share it with and it just completely kills me. My good mood immediately disappears and I have a dark cloud over my head.
But I'm going to change that.




This summer I want to blossom into happiness.

I feel so worthless and so alone.