I hate when people don't say goodbye.

I don't need you. And I cannot possibly fathom why you don't say goodbye. Why would any human being just disappear without saying goodbye? It's mean. It makes me worried and it plays with my emotions. Why do you always just disappear from my life without saying anything to me? Why is that okay? I hate when people don't say goodbye or goodnight. Would you just put down the phone and walk away from it in the middle of a phone call? Why do you always disappear? Why?

I spent the past few hours being furious at you for this, but now I really just miss you. I really just wish you were here to hold me because this whole thing has been so hard for me. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!! I get furious at myself when I show you how broken I am because I want to be perfect for you. I want to be happy and healthy for you. Most of all, I want to be myself for you... And this past few days I've been anything but myself. I'm ashamed of how I've been. I want to be better, for me and for you.

In response to being considerate, why I hate being "good"

Because I always end up alone. I don't know if being nice or caring somehow makes me less interesting or makes people want to be with me less, but I always end up alone. I hate being nice because I always become a second thought, no one ever puts me first. It's as though people get so used to me putting them first and doing nice things for them, that they forget to do the same for me. Like that movie we made plans weeks in advance to go to the screening of (actually it was months in advance because I've been talking about it since January).
And I hate that I'm nice because it makes me scared to have feelings. I'm scared to be upset. So I couldn't even tell you how sad it made me, especially since that's not the first time our plans from forever ago have been pushed aside for something else. I hate that if I'm upset about something, I'm apparently feeling sorry for myself. Why can't I just be mad or sad? Why can't I be stressed when I have so many tests or exams that I become a hermit? Why can't I be lonely?
I will never forget the day you told me you thought I was feeling sorry for myself when I tried to open up to you. Do you realize how terrified I now am to tell you how I feel? I'd rather just cry in front of you then tell you that I'm upset because I can't tell you how I feel. And I am upset! I'm sick of trying to see you always and you having a significantly less interest in seeing me. I won't say you don't want to see me. Maybe you still want to see me just as much as I see you, but you don't do anything about it. I've been trying so hard to make friends and every time I make plans with someone they let me down.
And yes, I do sometimes regret agreeing to be official because you stopped doing things for me. You stopped coming to my room to kiss me without me having to beg you to come see me. You stopped even agreeing to try and see movies with me or take me out on hikes or do couple things. We don't even talk about that stuff anymore. I try not to suggest it any more because I know it's not going to happen. What's the point? You're always busy. Unless it's me coming over your house. Unless it's sex. Unless it's you proving yourself to your frat and needing to walk in with a girl.

I'll admit, I'm exaggerating a bit. Or not necessarily exaggerating, but specifically pointing out all the negatives. I truly am sorry for that because you really aren't any of this to me. You're unbelievably fantastic to me. But I'm upset. I'm upset and I don't feel comfortable saying so or asking you to take me on a date or go to a screening with me or anything. I feel bad when I do. I feel so conceited or greedy when I ask you for things. I just want to be with you. But now even that's slipping away.


It's not about the non existent dates or missing the screening. It's not about you coming to my room or me going to your house. It's that I miss you and I feel like I'm losing you. It's that I miss you and I feel like you've forgotten me. I don't think you're ignoring me. I think you've forgotten me. You've forgotten me.



Maybe I should just go on the trip. Maybe then I'll forget you too.

I'm crying harder

I'm crying harder and I hate when you don't say good night. I hate when any conversation is left hanging in the air. Good nights are so significant because they aren't forever, they aren't for long. Good byes, farewells.... They have too much weight. So much that it worries me. Good nights are simple and sweet and meant for safe and happy dreams. They're almost a promise to speak again.

I don't even know what I'm saying but I'm crying harder and I don't know what to do with myself.

Core

I just received a letter I wrote to myself over the summer, while on a mission trip. I don't know if this sounds incredibly selfish or whatnot, but I wrote about how I need to learn to appreciate myself. That's one of the things everyone told me that week: to appreciate myself, that I don't appreciate myself enough.
So here I am, sitting in bed, in New Jersey, trying to appreciate myself. And I can't do it. I can't fucking do it. I got back here Thursday night. I don't call this place home. Colorado is my home. My mom has already spent two days yelling at me. To an extreme amount. How can I appreciate myself? She makes it clear that I take things for granted, she says that I think I deserve better than everyone else, she tells me that I don't do enough for our family.
I try so hard, but clearly my efforts are fruitless. I don't even know what to do with myself at this point, I'm stuck here for another three weeks. I just want to go home, home to Colorado. At the end of this trip I plan on threatening to not come back. I could find a job in Colorado or go home with a friend, I don't care. Honestly, I'd do anything to not be back here. They make me feel worthless. I try so hard and they make me feel like dirt or less than that even.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the core of the earth. So much is on my shoulders, practically everything, yet everyone tends to forget about the effort I put in.
Yesterday night my mom threw a fit at me. I got home from a casual coffee evening with two friends, came in the house, and went to my room. And suddenly there was my mom, shrilling. Her rude words pierced the darkness, I had yet to even turn on a light. "You slammed the door! Veronica's sick and asleep and you woke her up!" or something along those lines. It's gotten to the point where she sounds like a siren, the words lose their weight and she's just sound, going off at me every chance she gets. I knew I hadn't slammed a door but I accepted it and moved on. This morning my sister revealed that my mom's screaming had woken up. Well great, her waking up wasn't my fault, but my mom's screaming was still my fault.
Then this morning my mom asked me when I was going to get my hair cut. I was excited and said after we eat. This was less than fifteen minutes ago. She pulled out a coupon for Supercuts and told me I was going to pay for my hair cut. It's been almost eight months since I've gotten my hair cut, and yes, I was a bit upset that I had downgraded to Supercuts. My hair is a mess and I don't know how to take care of it and I wanted a good hair cut. So maybe I acted a bit childish saying that, but hey, if I'm going to pay for my hair cut, shouldn't I have a say in where I get it done? To which my head proceeded to explode from the sound that escaped her lips. "You're not an adult! You're not better than everyone else!" Thank you, mother... I do happen to be eighteen and I never said I was. Once again the words jumble together. At moments like these, I've realized, it doesn't even matter what she says. I guess that's why I suck at writing dialogue and can't put conversations together to write a play. The words don't reach my ears, they only reach my body. They attack me and beat me till I cry. "You have no sense of money! You think you deserve everything! I spend so much money on you and you don't appreciate it at all!!" I spent $80 on my mom's Christmas present. I'm actually broke because I spent about $300 on Christmas presents, and I've been very conscious of my money since then. I promise whoever is bothering to read this whole load of depressing, I do appreciate everything my mother does. I try so hard to keep her happy. And yes, it was childish of me to "want more," or really to voice my want, but if she says I'm not an adult, why get mad when I'm being my apparently childish self? I don't know.

I just want my mom to be happy. But it's clear I don't do enough to make her so. At all. So, no, I don't appreciate myself. I doubt I ever will. But at the end of this break, if not sooner, I am threatening to never come back. I will figure out a way to pay for school (even though, hey, I'm emancipated! Paying for college all on my own, with my own money, except that I never see this money/have no control over it/it only pays housing and tuition so I have to buy everything else, even tampons and toothpaste, with my own money/my money could be gone at any minute) on my own. I got offered a scholarship and I dunno. I just can't do this anymore.
I can't take shutting myself in my room to cry. On a daily basis.
I don't even have a lock on my door, so anyone could waltz right in and laugh in my face.

Great. If I'm the core of such a beautiful planet, what happens when I'm gone. Does everything fall apart? (with my family, yes).



I want to go home.