Thursday, May 30, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
I love you.
More than anything, I'm in love with you. And even if I don't need you, I want you in my life. I love you.
I hate when people don't say goodbye.
I don't need you. And I cannot possibly fathom why you don't say goodbye. Why would any human being just disappear without saying goodbye? It's mean. It makes me worried and it plays with my emotions. Why do you always just disappear from my life without saying anything to me? Why is that okay? I hate when people don't say goodbye or goodnight. Would you just put down the phone and walk away from it in the middle of a phone call? Why do you always disappear? Why?
I spent the past few hours being furious at you for this, but now I really just miss you. I really just wish you were here to hold me because this whole thing has been so hard for me. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!! I get furious at myself when I show you how broken I am because I want to be perfect for you. I want to be happy and healthy for you. Most of all, I want to be myself for you... And this past few days I've been anything but myself. I'm ashamed of how I've been. I want to be better, for me and for you.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
lonely
I'm really trying to start over and be positive and find me.
It's hard because I've reached a period in my life we're I'm facing all of my problems alone. All my issues with myself, with my family and friends, with school.. I'm in a new environment and I know no one. More than ever, I'm the only person who can make me happy and make this summer good. It's all in my hands - and that terrifies me.
But I know that I need this.
My freshman year of college, I didn't make very many friends. I'm embarrassed to being admitting this and even thinking about it just hurts. I got very sick at the beginning of the year when everyone was making friends. I didn't bond with the girls in my hall. I had mono and stayed in bed for a long time. I missed out on meeting new people. By then, classes had started to get serious so I spent more time staying in and studying than I did going out and having fun. I kept to myself, kept to my schoolwork, instead of making friends. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not at all. I honestly have no friends.
It sucks because the year before, my senior year of high school, I lost a lot of the friends I grew up with. We stopped seeing eye to eye, my interests changed and I matured and we all grew apart - or I grew apart from the group. I was looking forward to college because I wanted to have friends again. The end of my senior year could not come sooner because I was so lonely. And here I am, a year later, still lonely.
My goal in the fall is to make friends. I already got good grades and made Dean's list, now I have to do something for my own benefit and make friends. It's hard for me because I've been alone for so long that I'm starting to wonder if I belong alone.
I'm even spending the summer alone, somewhere I've never been before, where I don't know anyone. I'm really just trying to get a job so I can meet people and maybe find a place I feel comfortable and happy being me. So that I'm not spending every day alone, reading a book.
I miss being happy, and having someone to share that happiness with. Whenever I start to get really positive and happy and excited about life, I realize I have no one to share it with and it just completely kills me. My good mood immediately disappears and I have a dark cloud over my head.
But I'm going to change that.
This summer I want to blossom into happiness.
It's hard because I've reached a period in my life we're I'm facing all of my problems alone. All my issues with myself, with my family and friends, with school.. I'm in a new environment and I know no one. More than ever, I'm the only person who can make me happy and make this summer good. It's all in my hands - and that terrifies me.
But I know that I need this.
My freshman year of college, I didn't make very many friends. I'm embarrassed to being admitting this and even thinking about it just hurts. I got very sick at the beginning of the year when everyone was making friends. I didn't bond with the girls in my hall. I had mono and stayed in bed for a long time. I missed out on meeting new people. By then, classes had started to get serious so I spent more time staying in and studying than I did going out and having fun. I kept to myself, kept to my schoolwork, instead of making friends. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not at all. I honestly have no friends.
It sucks because the year before, my senior year of high school, I lost a lot of the friends I grew up with. We stopped seeing eye to eye, my interests changed and I matured and we all grew apart - or I grew apart from the group. I was looking forward to college because I wanted to have friends again. The end of my senior year could not come sooner because I was so lonely. And here I am, a year later, still lonely.
My goal in the fall is to make friends. I already got good grades and made Dean's list, now I have to do something for my own benefit and make friends. It's hard for me because I've been alone for so long that I'm starting to wonder if I belong alone.
I'm even spending the summer alone, somewhere I've never been before, where I don't know anyone. I'm really just trying to get a job so I can meet people and maybe find a place I feel comfortable and happy being me. So that I'm not spending every day alone, reading a book.
I miss being happy, and having someone to share that happiness with. Whenever I start to get really positive and happy and excited about life, I realize I have no one to share it with and it just completely kills me. My good mood immediately disappears and I have a dark cloud over my head.
But I'm going to change that.
This summer I want to blossom into happiness.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Being Angry.
I don't get angry very often. In most situations, I blame myself, so I get sad or frustrated or just plain upset. What hardly happens is that I get genuinely angry at people. Yes, I am a human being and I do get annoyed and I find things aggravating, but when do I get this irate? Not often.
So fuck all of you.
Why am I mad? I'm mad because on a regular basis, I think about other people. I'm not just saying this, I'm not just trying to talk myself up as a good person. I really do care and I really do try to be considerate of others' feelings. For example, today. I went to the bathroom before class, looked in the mirror, didn't think I was ugly or anything negative (yes I'm getting better), but instead thought "maybe I'll put on some make up for the next time I see my boyfriend so I can look extra nice for him." That sounds so fake and superficial and dumb, but it's seriously what ran through my head. I remember wanting to laugh at myself for that one. Also, if you are the least bit sick or stressed... Done. I'm worried. You've got my attention and my full willingness to do just about anything for you. I've experienced a lot of this the past week with not you who's probably reading this. But with the person that constantly stresses me out the most.
I'm honestly so angry right now that I feel a complete disconnect from my usual considerate self, so I'm really struggling to think of examples. Go figure.
The reason why I'm mad is because other people just don't do this. I guess another example of me is my willingness to try and communicate and figure things out. Why doesn't anyone else just send a simple fucking text message?! This is something I cannot fathom. At all. This morning, my 11 am class got out incredibly early, at 11:30. I have friends in the classroom next to me, so instead of ditching them, I stayed in the classroom on my computer reading articles until they got out. While deeply reading something James Franco wrote, I hear familiar voices in the hallway and look up to witness my two friends walking past me completely oblivious. I saw them before class. They knew I was there. And if they wanted to leave early, they could have texted me. It's not fucking hard. Because I had all my stuff out on my desk, I texted one of them and she claimed my classroom's door had been closed. I quickly ended that lie. So then she went and blamed her forgetting me on a lack of sleep and the fact that she didn't eat breakfast. Both of those apply to me, yet I'm still able to think about your wellbeing. Did I mention that they didn't come back? Yeah too busy doing other shit. Of course. Why would anyone waste their time on me?
That was at 11:40. My boyfriend also had class from 11-11:50. Determined to have some human contact, I wait another ten minutes, leave my building to go sit in front of his.... Where I wait... And wait... And wait. My boyfriend's phone is broken and doesn't text, so that's fine and understandable and I can't be mad about it. I'm not mad about it. Maybe at this point I'm just mad at me for fucking caring about people who couldn't care less about me. When I called him, I learned that he was home because he had an exam and got out early. Well, great, I got out twenty minutes ago and have been waiting for people who obviously don't wait for me.
I guess that's just it. I was openly willing to wait for multiple people. When they assumed I was busy, they didn't bother to wait for me. They never even considered it. Great. I'm glad that my feelings don't matter. I really just hate everyone right now and I mean that to an extreme. I'm just pissed that no one fucking cares.
Fuck everyone. I just want to be alone. Fuck you.
So fuck all of you.
Why am I mad? I'm mad because on a regular basis, I think about other people. I'm not just saying this, I'm not just trying to talk myself up as a good person. I really do care and I really do try to be considerate of others' feelings. For example, today. I went to the bathroom before class, looked in the mirror, didn't think I was ugly or anything negative (yes I'm getting better), but instead thought "maybe I'll put on some make up for the next time I see my boyfriend so I can look extra nice for him." That sounds so fake and superficial and dumb, but it's seriously what ran through my head. I remember wanting to laugh at myself for that one. Also, if you are the least bit sick or stressed... Done. I'm worried. You've got my attention and my full willingness to do just about anything for you. I've experienced a lot of this the past week with not you who's probably reading this. But with the person that constantly stresses me out the most.
I'm honestly so angry right now that I feel a complete disconnect from my usual considerate self, so I'm really struggling to think of examples. Go figure.
The reason why I'm mad is because other people just don't do this. I guess another example of me is my willingness to try and communicate and figure things out. Why doesn't anyone else just send a simple fucking text message?! This is something I cannot fathom. At all. This morning, my 11 am class got out incredibly early, at 11:30. I have friends in the classroom next to me, so instead of ditching them, I stayed in the classroom on my computer reading articles until they got out. While deeply reading something James Franco wrote, I hear familiar voices in the hallway and look up to witness my two friends walking past me completely oblivious. I saw them before class. They knew I was there. And if they wanted to leave early, they could have texted me. It's not fucking hard. Because I had all my stuff out on my desk, I texted one of them and she claimed my classroom's door had been closed. I quickly ended that lie. So then she went and blamed her forgetting me on a lack of sleep and the fact that she didn't eat breakfast. Both of those apply to me, yet I'm still able to think about your wellbeing. Did I mention that they didn't come back? Yeah too busy doing other shit. Of course. Why would anyone waste their time on me?
That was at 11:40. My boyfriend also had class from 11-11:50. Determined to have some human contact, I wait another ten minutes, leave my building to go sit in front of his.... Where I wait... And wait... And wait. My boyfriend's phone is broken and doesn't text, so that's fine and understandable and I can't be mad about it. I'm not mad about it. Maybe at this point I'm just mad at me for fucking caring about people who couldn't care less about me. When I called him, I learned that he was home because he had an exam and got out early. Well, great, I got out twenty minutes ago and have been waiting for people who obviously don't wait for me.
I guess that's just it. I was openly willing to wait for multiple people. When they assumed I was busy, they didn't bother to wait for me. They never even considered it. Great. I'm glad that my feelings don't matter. I really just hate everyone right now and I mean that to an extreme. I'm just pissed that no one fucking cares.
Fuck everyone. I just want to be alone. Fuck you.
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