and we'll go to sleep, but this time not alone, no...

Right now I want nothing more than your arms holding me and keeping me safe. The chance to look you in the eyes and pour my heart out to you and have you do the same. Right now I want nothing more than your presence, your company, your existence. But right now I don't want to interrupt your life, which is what I always feel like I'm doing. I still feel out of place. I feel as though you deserve better because you deserve the best. And I don't want you to see me like this because you say it makes you hurt and I don't want that. I've never wanted that and I probably never will. But I want you right now, in every way. I'm just scared to ask for your help. I'm scared you'll walk away from me. I'm scared you'll push me away. I get so scared sometimes, and I don't know what to do. What do I do?

What Am I Afraid Of?

I'm afraid of you. I'm terrified of letting you in because (what if) you don't like who i am (inside). and this is when my heart starts racing, stops beating, the in between. me fearing you and this relationship. because what if i want something else, someone else (nothing lasts forever) and sometimes we need a (change) new day or place. but then i really like (you) and this and us and (you) just make me so happy i think (you) may just make me (glow) brighter. but really i'm just petrified by this idea, the idea, (idea of) ending up like my parents. because they have hurt me in more ways than i can illustrate with the flick of my tongue and (sting of) my words. and i don't want to do that, i don't want to do that to anyone else. i don't want to be that kind of (monster) that tears apart its children's lives. i want my kids to be happy (like you make me). and i know this is the future (and the future is forever away) but the future is now and i think a hella lot and sometimes (i can't help but wonder) sometimes i get caught up in my thoughts but it's because i want so many big things and (i want to make big things) i want to be a part of something big. and you make me feel like that's possible. is it possible. (possibly). and that (hope), you as the flicker of light in this darkened state of unconscious that i feel (i'm stuck watching the world pass me by, but i want to be a part of it), that i've always felt having watched my parents. i don't want to (feel) alone anymore!
i want you to open my eyes and sometimes i think you already have begun to and it scares me because you give me so much hope but what happens when you're gone? nothing lasts forever. but some things last long enough to leave their mark on the world. i want to be a part of something big, something that leaves a mark, i want to be a part of the world (with you).