Being Angry.

I don't get angry very often. In most situations, I blame myself, so I get sad or frustrated or just plain upset. What hardly happens is that I get genuinely angry at people. Yes, I am a human being and I do get annoyed and I find things aggravating, but when do I get this irate? Not often.

So fuck all of you.


Why am I mad? I'm mad because on a regular basis, I think about other people. I'm not just saying this, I'm not just trying to talk myself up as a good person. I really do care and I really do try to be considerate of others' feelings. For example, today. I went to the bathroom before class, looked in the mirror, didn't think I was ugly or anything negative (yes I'm getting better), but instead thought "maybe I'll put on some make up for the next time I see my boyfriend so I can look extra nice for him." That sounds so fake and superficial and dumb, but it's seriously what ran through my head. I remember wanting to laugh at myself for that one. Also, if you are the least bit sick or stressed... Done. I'm worried. You've got my attention and my full willingness to do just about anything for you. I've experienced a lot of this the past week with not you who's probably reading this. But with the person that constantly stresses me out the most.
I'm honestly so angry right now that I feel a complete disconnect from my usual considerate self, so I'm really struggling to think of examples. Go figure.

The reason why I'm mad is because other people just don't do this. I guess another example of me is my willingness to try and communicate and figure things out. Why doesn't anyone else just send a simple fucking text message?! This is something I cannot fathom. At all. This morning, my 11 am class got out incredibly early, at 11:30. I have friends in the classroom next to me, so instead of ditching them, I stayed in the classroom on my computer reading articles until they got out. While deeply reading something James Franco wrote, I hear familiar voices in the hallway and look up to witness my two friends walking past me completely oblivious. I saw them before class. They knew I was there. And if they wanted to leave early, they could have texted me. It's not fucking hard. Because I had all my stuff out on my desk, I texted one of them and she claimed my classroom's door had been closed. I quickly ended that lie. So then she went and blamed her forgetting me on a lack of sleep and the fact that she didn't eat breakfast. Both of those apply to me, yet I'm still able to think about your wellbeing. Did I mention that they didn't come back? Yeah too busy doing other shit. Of course. Why would anyone waste their time on me?
That was at 11:40. My boyfriend also had class from 11-11:50. Determined to have some human contact, I wait another ten minutes, leave my building to go sit in front of his.... Where I wait... And wait... And wait. My boyfriend's phone is broken and doesn't text, so that's fine and understandable and I can't be mad about it. I'm not mad about it. Maybe at this point I'm just mad at me for fucking caring about people who couldn't care less about me. When I called him, I learned that he was home because he had an exam and got out early. Well, great, I got out twenty minutes ago and have been waiting for people who obviously don't wait for me.

I guess that's just it. I was openly willing to wait for multiple people. When they assumed I was busy, they didn't bother to wait for me. They never even considered it. Great. I'm glad that my feelings don't matter. I really just hate everyone right now and I mean that to an extreme. I'm just pissed that no one fucking cares.


Fuck everyone. I just want to be alone. Fuck you.

I love you! I love you! I love you! And I cannot wait to see your shining face!! :)

Worries

I worry about you sometimes. Sometimes, I worry about you. I've noticed that you tend to keep things in when you're stressed. You deny being stressed, but the look on your face says otherwise. This morning was a bit of proof that you can't hide it, everyone knew something was wrong but no one knew what. I wish you would open up to me and tell me, because I want to help you through these things. I want to help you. I'm here for you no matter what. Having struggled letting people in in the past, I know how scary it is to tell someone how you feel. But I promise I won't judge you. I promise I will keep an open mind and just listen, only replying if you want to hear my voice or words of advice. I'm always here as a hug or a shoulder or a cuddle. I'll even serenade you to sleep. I just want you to be happy, and I want to be a part of making you happy. Please let me be there for you. I love you.

The Competitive Side in Me

mine.

This is one of my favorite photographs I've ever taken. I love the grittiness and the rawness of it, I guess it's similar to my love of Brand New.


Soco Amaretto Lime - Brand New

In high school, I really struggled with art class. Not necessarily because I was "bad" at art, if that's even possible, but because my art teacher kind of bullied me. She made me feel absolutely terrible about my art, and I think my work started to reflect it. It's so sad when people allow their personal aesthetic to prevent them from being supportive. I'm just now realizing how I crave to turn my frustration of people not liking my work into art. I want to shove it in their faces that I can in fact create things worth looking at. It really sucks that I feel I have to prove myself and my abilities. I guess thinking about it, the only medium I've really had support for is writing, but even that is iffy. For the longest time, my parents would ridicule my love of art, music, and literature, claiming that none were suitable careers and that I would be a starving artist. Only recently have I begun to receive their support in writing, and it's only because they think I have some "talent." What is talent even? I can tell you right now, I am a person of passion. All "talent" is simply a result of hard work and dedication.

I don't know what I'm getting at... I think it's that the next step on my journey to self-acception and appreciation is my own appreciation of my art. I shouldn't need validation about what I'm putting out, and it shouldn't matter whether you like my work or not. I won't allow it to matter, I won't allow your personal opinion to affect me. I will teach myself how to be the confident person I want to be. Which means it shouldn't matter whether my viewers want to see words or images or what. I need to start creating for me again, whatever that means. The competitive side of me wants to show you that I am capable of creating something beautiful, and the most awe-inspiring things I create are created with myself in mind. I have to make art for me, I have to write for me, I have to exist for me, not for you. It's only when I truly love my work that maybe you will to. And if you don't love it or if you look down upon me as an artist, then fuck you. Every individual is different. What makes me an artist may not apply to you or any one else.

God damn, I just want to create something. Right now. I wish I had my watercolors.


The competitive side of me wants to make something so I can shove it in your face and say "APPRECIATE ME, DAMNIT! I'M AN ARTIST TOO! I CAN CREATE TOO! I CAN MAKE BEAUTIFUL THINGS, I CAN INSPIRE BIRDS TO SING! YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH PASSION."
The realistic side of me says "make things for you, make things for no one but you." So that is exactly what I will do.

mine. (a doodle)

torn.

by sarah.

I think way too much. I worry way too much. Those are two of the most significant and most true things that sadly tend to take over my life. But sometimes I also hold back from explaining just what I'm thinking and I don't want to anymore. I don't want to hold back from how I feel. Yes, my feelings are often torn. They often mismatch and contradict each other but I still feel all of them.

Right now I'm bouncing back and forth between a few things. Feeling lonely versus feeling in love. And also very much torn over where I should be spending this summer. I guess we should start with how I feel and then move on to how I plan on acting based on my newly admitted feelings.

1. I love you. If there is anything I know on a regular basis it's that I'm constantly falling deeper in love with you. I guess that's one thing I've figured out and it's not necessarily something new that I'm admitting. Our relationship has progressed dramatically recently and I mean that in only the best ways. Things really are always getting better between us. I do in fact find myself happier to see you every chance I get. I love kissing your lips and often daydream about the next time I'll get to cuddle up with you. However, I do sometimes feel lonely. I know you know this. I do sometimes feel forgotten. You know this too. But I hate that you blame yourself. It breaks my heart that you blame yourself. All I want is to spend time in your arms or eating dinner with you or hiking or something. The loneliness I feel is hardly your fault. I believe it's much more reminiscent of my lack of friends. Seeing as you're more than a friend and my life doesn't lack you, I highly doubt it's your fault. Still, we both know I do sometimes feel like I'm putting more into the relationship or whatnot. I guess what I'm trying to get at is the fact that it doesn't necessarily matter. Let's start by asking ourselves why I'm able to wholeheartedly devote my time and effort to you... The obvious answer is again my lack of friends. It's not like I have other people to distract me with. Yes, I have books and films and television shows. But sometimes I crave human contact. Which leads me to missing my main source of human contact: you. But it's not your fault I feel lonely. And if I had a steady group of friends, who's to say that I wouldn't be leaving you alone on a Monday night to go play in the snow with them? As for the amount of effort you put in... Sometimes I forget just how hard you work in every aspect of your life. You go to school, go to your job, go to your fraternity; I'm impressed that you still have time for me. And appreciative that you go out of your way to try and make time for me. Thank you. I don't need you to be over exerting yourself for me and I hope you know that. If you want to put in more effort, a few more kisses here and there is all I need. I just like being kissed goodnight, or being kissed hello when I first walk into a room and see you. I find solace in waking up to your lips against my skin or your fingers tracing along the arch of my back. And I love falling asleep next to you, waking up in  your arms, or waking up to you in mine. The effort I crave from you is nothing grandeur, rather, I love when you put effort into the little things for me. Such as surprising me by ordering a pizza with toppings you know I love or setting aside an hour or two to watch Lost. I know I can get moody, but I just love tickling you and laughing with you. And yes, I want you to take me out on a date every once and a while, but it's not as though you don't do that. You do take me out. You do make me feel special. And I love you. If you want to make me feel more special just kiss me more often or tell me you want to see me. And don't be afraid to lean on me or open up to me. Being able to help you out with your ski pass really meant a lot to me. It was you trusting me and relying on me the way couples should do. We're give and take and it works. We work perfectly together. I've never been happier than I am with you. Sometimes I do get torn between loneliness and my over the moon joy for you, but in the end everything works out. I guess it's the perfect little gestalt you that I love. I love how passionate you get about things, even if it means you forget about me for a little bit. I love you. It's a part of you and I love it because I love you. Please smile and stop blaming yourself. Or instead of wasting time blaming yourself, go do something to change what you're upset about. But seriously don't blame yourself. If anything, blame yourself for being TOO PERFECT, UGH. <3

2. Then there's the summer. I'm most torn about the summer because of you, although you're not the center of my universe. Not quite anyway. I'm torn because I don't want to spend months away from you. Ever. The few weeks  during Winter Break was hard enough, but every time I think about the summer... That's when I get genuinely upset. It's upsetting that I will (possibly) be so close to your home, but you will be so far from it. It's upsetting that there's a significant chance I won't get to see you on my birthday. I have never been one for birthdays because I have never really had anyone to celebrate my birthday with. Everyone's always on vacation during the first two weeks of August, so I've come to accept my quiet birthday at home. But then I met you... I guess it's only beginning to dawn on me just how amazing it would be to have someone to spend my birthday with. And not just any someone, but to have the someone that I am head over heels in love with. We've been dating almost five months now, and the summer is almost four months long. I don't want to spend almost the same amount of time we've been dating, being across the country. And I know you'll come home at some point, but for how long? A week? And what are the chances of that week being the week of my birthday? Incredibly slim. So slim that I'm only just know realizing the reality of our situation. We won't be seeing each other, really at all this summer. I've been putting these thoughts off as long as possible because they just plain suck. I'm so much less stressed during the summer and I'd love to spend my care free days with you. I want to go on hikes and go swimming and wrestle and play frisbee and go bike riding and go on picnics and eat outdoors at nice restaurants... All with you! I also want you to want to do them with me. I love when you become decisive and say you want to go do something with me! It sweeps me off my feet!! But that's not what I'm getting at.. What I'm getting at is the fact that I don't want to leave Colorado. I don't want to leave you. I've been racking my brain for months trying to come up with a good excuse to stay in Colorado other than for you, to the point where my father now genuinely believes that I am in fact staying here in Colorado this summer. At one point I really did plan on subleasing a room in Brooke's house, taking more classes, and getting a job. Using the excuse that as a double major and minor, it's impossible for me to graduate in time unless I take summer classes. The only problem with that is that it is incredibly expensive... and the fact that my mother is very adamant about me coming home. I've considered asking you if I could move into your room and split your rent with you. It'd save both of us money, but I honestly don't know if I'm ready to live with you. I know I spend every night in your room, but the idea scares me. I'm torn over this idea because at the same time I want to spend more time with you and I don't want to have to say goodbye to you this summer. I'm also torn because I (apparently) have the option of living with my Aunt in Maryland this summer. If I did that, I would have free housing and food, would work somewhere near her house, and would get to see you during the short time you visit home. Other positives include my absolute adoration for my Armenian family, the likeliness in my Armenian improving, the fact that my Aunt loves to buy me clothes, and the fact that it keeps me from having to return home. There's also the fact that it forces me to not rely on you. The fact that you might miss being away from me. The fact that I may finally figure my shit out (although I believe I'm getting increasingly closer to doing that right now, so I don't think being away from you is necessary). However, today my mom called me encouraging me to book a flight home to New Jersey after school ends and even mentioned the possibility of me staying there. I'm wondering if something has fallen through with my Aunt and whether or not I will actually get to live with her. I don't even know at this point. I have no idea whether to go along with what my mom wants and come home, to call my aunt and figure things out with her, or simply declare that I'm an adult who needs to stay in Boulder for the summer. To be honest, I genuinely think the best place for me to be is Maryland. However, I don't know if being without you would be enjoyable at all. I don't want to lose you. But at the same time, I may not be ready to live here this summer. I do miss my family, and I do need some reinforcement before returning to school. But you're such a significant part of my life that I cannot fathom being away from you for so long.

My secret wish is that you'd return home this summer so that I could live with my aunt and be far enough away from you that I can't see you every day, but close enough that I could see you on weekends, that we could catch a train to my hometown so I can show you around Jersey, drive out to your house so I can meet your puppy and we go dirt biking. I know this is no longer a possibility, but I can't help hoping my dream somehow comes true. I guess the next best thing would be you going home while I'm in Maryland. I hope it's still a possibility.

This did help me figure out a bit of what I want and need. Hopefully this will all resolve its self soon.

I'm worried that I don't make you happy and it's killing me. I'm afraid I'll never be good enough for you. I wish I didn't feel so wrong. Sometimes I hate everything about myself. And I love everything about you. I just feel so stupid. Why did I ever think you'd like me? I feel like I can't even make you happy.
I don't like sleeping alone and I wish I had gotten the courage to ask you to walk me home. I really am trying, I promise. Right now I just hate me... So being alone is pretty fucking terrible. I wish that you hadn't changed your mind. I would have gladly stayed over. I miss you.

And I feel so stupid. I dunno. I think I'll be glad to be gone this summer. The thing that's hardest to grasp is the idea of you missing me. It just never seems to be the case. Maybe now it finally will be. Or maybe something even better will happen and I'll finally find me.

Why am I so lost always?

I love you.