torn.

by sarah.

I think way too much. I worry way too much. Those are two of the most significant and most true things that sadly tend to take over my life. But sometimes I also hold back from explaining just what I'm thinking and I don't want to anymore. I don't want to hold back from how I feel. Yes, my feelings are often torn. They often mismatch and contradict each other but I still feel all of them.

Right now I'm bouncing back and forth between a few things. Feeling lonely versus feeling in love. And also very much torn over where I should be spending this summer. I guess we should start with how I feel and then move on to how I plan on acting based on my newly admitted feelings.

1. I love you. If there is anything I know on a regular basis it's that I'm constantly falling deeper in love with you. I guess that's one thing I've figured out and it's not necessarily something new that I'm admitting. Our relationship has progressed dramatically recently and I mean that in only the best ways. Things really are always getting better between us. I do in fact find myself happier to see you every chance I get. I love kissing your lips and often daydream about the next time I'll get to cuddle up with you. However, I do sometimes feel lonely. I know you know this. I do sometimes feel forgotten. You know this too. But I hate that you blame yourself. It breaks my heart that you blame yourself. All I want is to spend time in your arms or eating dinner with you or hiking or something. The loneliness I feel is hardly your fault. I believe it's much more reminiscent of my lack of friends. Seeing as you're more than a friend and my life doesn't lack you, I highly doubt it's your fault. Still, we both know I do sometimes feel like I'm putting more into the relationship or whatnot. I guess what I'm trying to get at is the fact that it doesn't necessarily matter. Let's start by asking ourselves why I'm able to wholeheartedly devote my time and effort to you... The obvious answer is again my lack of friends. It's not like I have other people to distract me with. Yes, I have books and films and television shows. But sometimes I crave human contact. Which leads me to missing my main source of human contact: you. But it's not your fault I feel lonely. And if I had a steady group of friends, who's to say that I wouldn't be leaving you alone on a Monday night to go play in the snow with them? As for the amount of effort you put in... Sometimes I forget just how hard you work in every aspect of your life. You go to school, go to your job, go to your fraternity; I'm impressed that you still have time for me. And appreciative that you go out of your way to try and make time for me. Thank you. I don't need you to be over exerting yourself for me and I hope you know that. If you want to put in more effort, a few more kisses here and there is all I need. I just like being kissed goodnight, or being kissed hello when I first walk into a room and see you. I find solace in waking up to your lips against my skin or your fingers tracing along the arch of my back. And I love falling asleep next to you, waking up in  your arms, or waking up to you in mine. The effort I crave from you is nothing grandeur, rather, I love when you put effort into the little things for me. Such as surprising me by ordering a pizza with toppings you know I love or setting aside an hour or two to watch Lost. I know I can get moody, but I just love tickling you and laughing with you. And yes, I want you to take me out on a date every once and a while, but it's not as though you don't do that. You do take me out. You do make me feel special. And I love you. If you want to make me feel more special just kiss me more often or tell me you want to see me. And don't be afraid to lean on me or open up to me. Being able to help you out with your ski pass really meant a lot to me. It was you trusting me and relying on me the way couples should do. We're give and take and it works. We work perfectly together. I've never been happier than I am with you. Sometimes I do get torn between loneliness and my over the moon joy for you, but in the end everything works out. I guess it's the perfect little gestalt you that I love. I love how passionate you get about things, even if it means you forget about me for a little bit. I love you. It's a part of you and I love it because I love you. Please smile and stop blaming yourself. Or instead of wasting time blaming yourself, go do something to change what you're upset about. But seriously don't blame yourself. If anything, blame yourself for being TOO PERFECT, UGH. <3

2. Then there's the summer. I'm most torn about the summer because of you, although you're not the center of my universe. Not quite anyway. I'm torn because I don't want to spend months away from you. Ever. The few weeks  during Winter Break was hard enough, but every time I think about the summer... That's when I get genuinely upset. It's upsetting that I will (possibly) be so close to your home, but you will be so far from it. It's upsetting that there's a significant chance I won't get to see you on my birthday. I have never been one for birthdays because I have never really had anyone to celebrate my birthday with. Everyone's always on vacation during the first two weeks of August, so I've come to accept my quiet birthday at home. But then I met you... I guess it's only beginning to dawn on me just how amazing it would be to have someone to spend my birthday with. And not just any someone, but to have the someone that I am head over heels in love with. We've been dating almost five months now, and the summer is almost four months long. I don't want to spend almost the same amount of time we've been dating, being across the country. And I know you'll come home at some point, but for how long? A week? And what are the chances of that week being the week of my birthday? Incredibly slim. So slim that I'm only just know realizing the reality of our situation. We won't be seeing each other, really at all this summer. I've been putting these thoughts off as long as possible because they just plain suck. I'm so much less stressed during the summer and I'd love to spend my care free days with you. I want to go on hikes and go swimming and wrestle and play frisbee and go bike riding and go on picnics and eat outdoors at nice restaurants... All with you! I also want you to want to do them with me. I love when you become decisive and say you want to go do something with me! It sweeps me off my feet!! But that's not what I'm getting at.. What I'm getting at is the fact that I don't want to leave Colorado. I don't want to leave you. I've been racking my brain for months trying to come up with a good excuse to stay in Colorado other than for you, to the point where my father now genuinely believes that I am in fact staying here in Colorado this summer. At one point I really did plan on subleasing a room in Brooke's house, taking more classes, and getting a job. Using the excuse that as a double major and minor, it's impossible for me to graduate in time unless I take summer classes. The only problem with that is that it is incredibly expensive... and the fact that my mother is very adamant about me coming home. I've considered asking you if I could move into your room and split your rent with you. It'd save both of us money, but I honestly don't know if I'm ready to live with you. I know I spend every night in your room, but the idea scares me. I'm torn over this idea because at the same time I want to spend more time with you and I don't want to have to say goodbye to you this summer. I'm also torn because I (apparently) have the option of living with my Aunt in Maryland this summer. If I did that, I would have free housing and food, would work somewhere near her house, and would get to see you during the short time you visit home. Other positives include my absolute adoration for my Armenian family, the likeliness in my Armenian improving, the fact that my Aunt loves to buy me clothes, and the fact that it keeps me from having to return home. There's also the fact that it forces me to not rely on you. The fact that you might miss being away from me. The fact that I may finally figure my shit out (although I believe I'm getting increasingly closer to doing that right now, so I don't think being away from you is necessary). However, today my mom called me encouraging me to book a flight home to New Jersey after school ends and even mentioned the possibility of me staying there. I'm wondering if something has fallen through with my Aunt and whether or not I will actually get to live with her. I don't even know at this point. I have no idea whether to go along with what my mom wants and come home, to call my aunt and figure things out with her, or simply declare that I'm an adult who needs to stay in Boulder for the summer. To be honest, I genuinely think the best place for me to be is Maryland. However, I don't know if being without you would be enjoyable at all. I don't want to lose you. But at the same time, I may not be ready to live here this summer. I do miss my family, and I do need some reinforcement before returning to school. But you're such a significant part of my life that I cannot fathom being away from you for so long.

My secret wish is that you'd return home this summer so that I could live with my aunt and be far enough away from you that I can't see you every day, but close enough that I could see you on weekends, that we could catch a train to my hometown so I can show you around Jersey, drive out to your house so I can meet your puppy and we go dirt biking. I know this is no longer a possibility, but I can't help hoping my dream somehow comes true. I guess the next best thing would be you going home while I'm in Maryland. I hope it's still a possibility.

This did help me figure out a bit of what I want and need. Hopefully this will all resolve its self soon.