How to Love Oneself

I get really scared sometimes. I get lonely and sad. I hate looking in a mirror. Even when I'm not having a bad day, even when I don't feel forgotten, I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I look and I cannot fathom how anyone could ever think otherwise. And my inability to see myself as you see me truly upsets me. I wish I could see the beauty in myself. I try so hard to, it's just a bit too hard sometimes. I feel like a burden sometimes and then I look in the mirror and I don't want to be around me. So why would you? Sometimes I wish you'd be a bit more vocal about these kinds of things because as much as I hate to admit it, part of me still needs to hear that you like the way I look or my company or my giggle. I'm really trying to get better, to see myself in a new light. One day I will be fully confident and assured of myself. But right now... I get a little lost. And I'm not entirely sure who I am. I've found myself wishing that I could have seen you last year, when you were a little less developed and a little unsure of yourself. I guess I feel as though everyone knows who they are except me. I'm still trying to feel out the waters. I'm still trying new things and experimenting, and everyone else seems to have already tried everything without me. So yes, I guess I do feel alone. Out of place, always. I feel that I'm behind on these experiences that everyone else has already had. Everyone else has grown up without me. Will I always be a lost boy? I wish I knew who I really was.
Sometimes I wish someone could write a paragraph describing me, faults included. I wish they'd write at the end "you're perfect and I love everything about you." Maybe I need to do that. Because I need to learn how to love me. I need to learn how to not be afraid anymore. I need to learn how to cast away my fears.
I guess it's worth a shot...


My name is Cassandra and I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I've been told that allowing yourself to cry just proves that you're strong. Maybe my tears are something to be proud of. I'm a dreamer. It's funny because... Previously, I always knew I was a dreamer. But somewhere along the past few years, I lost my ability to dream. This is the first time I've admitted that I still can. This is the first time I've admitted that I will always be a wide-eyed little dreamer. And despite however large and rash my dreams may seem, I will reach every single one. I don't give up. No matter how many nights I spend falling apart in my bed, I always manage to get up in the morning. Because I am a dreamer and each day is waking into a bright new dream. These dreams are my lighthearted sighs stolen beneath the moon and the way I tend to find myself captivated by you. I wear my heart on my sleeve. My emotions seem to be much more extreme than my peers. I'm not simply happy or sad, I'm exuberant or depressed. However, this allows me to grasp at life and throw my hands in the air - whether from joy or surrender. I'm a human being and I embrace every emotion. I take deep breaths to clear my head and cry happy tears when I witness other people receiving the things they deserve. I love noticing the breathtaking colors that the universe has given us, or when my gaze falls upward and I take in enormity of this magnificent universe. I get scared, yes. But I face my fears. I face my fears and often in doing so, I find myself. I remember my love of books and words. The fact that I'm always looking a word up in the dictionary or for a story to hear. I find myself in the songs I find escaping my lips on a daily basis. My devotion to celebrating the world through art and words. Sometimes I almost forget my love of children and the way caring for them makes me glow. I always find myself in their bubbly little faces. I find myself in the way time stops with you. The way I want nothing more than to lay with you and feel your essence. The way I all too often pour my soul out to you. Sometimes it's a series of too many text messages, or crying over the tiny things, or asking you to come give me a hug. But at least I'm (apparently) good at communication. And even with tears running down my cheeks, I am beautiful. I have a love of all things in the world, an ability to genuinely try and succeed in finding the magnificence in every situation. I am a fighter and a lover. A protector of everyone I love. A protector of the people that I may not know. Some people have called me selfless, but it's not even that. I'm just being me. I'm being Cassie and trying my hardest to do anything I can to make any other living thing just a little bit happier. Even if it is just for a few moments. And that is truly rare, to make such an effort for such a small feat. I am unique. Maybe even my own work of art, "The dreamer who cries of happiness at other's fortunes," "the green-eyed soul who will do anything to make you smile," "the tiny giant who will create something worth remembering," One day I will change the world. One day, I will inspire another girl, similar to me, to do the same. One day I'll inspire her to not be afraid to dream. I am crying much harder now, but... There's something beautiful about my mind. I'm so scared to like myself. Why?  I am a human being and there is something about the way my eyes light up when I'm happy and my cheeks get sore from smiling and I could float away on a single moment. There's something so special about existence, about my existence. I am unique and unprecedented. And I am beautiful. The gestalt me is beautiful, even on the outside. There's no one else in this world like me. I am perfect as I am. Perfect as Cassandra or Cassie or Cassafrass. Perfect as my being and soul. I am finding myself... And I love myself. I love who I am.


I am trying to learn how to love myself.

“We are all future butterflies who think, wrongly, that we are just slugs. And we are evolving, whether we admit it or not, into something else. Something with wings.” — Jeffrey J. Kripal

Have I told you how magnificent the world we live in is? I've been having an incredibly rough few weeks, but I just made a decision that has lifted a load off of my shoulders. I've decided not to go on the service trip. After a very grueling day filled with crying over stress, and eventually starting to get sick, I realized that it'd be stupid of me to go. I'm starting to get sick because I am stressing over studying, which means that by the end of the week, I doubt I'll be peachy keen and ready to hop into a car and go play with children. I'll probably want to sleep for 48 hours straight. In which case, I'd miss the whole trip I paid for. Not only would I be going on the trip most likely ill, but I'd be ignoring my own psychological well-being. Honestly, this is what I've learned from these terrible few weeks: I have to allow myself to breathe. I have to allow myself to be happy. I can't lock myself in my room studying. I have to allow myself to want things and to get the things that I want. Sometimes, it's necessary to be selfish.
So starting tomorrow I'm going to allow myself to enjoy life. I kept bawling my eyes out over the fact that I wasn't living, that I was simply existing, instead of going out and embracing this beautiful town that I live in! Tomorrow I'm going to go on a run after which I will treat myself to reading and Starbucks. Then I'll get back to studying. Once I've relaxed a little, I'll allow myself to study - outside! I'll sit in this magnificent weather and study. Maybe I'll even work on my short story because I know I'll be feeling inspired. I think I'll break out my watercolors and paint or maybe get the balls to visit Jack at work because who knows? There are so many things I can do, there are so many possibilities! I can do it all. I'm going to have a fantastic day. I'm glowing as I write this.

And then during spring break, I am going to allow myself to relax. But not only that... I am going to allow myself to do all the things I've been wanting to do. Like go on hikes with Jack or tan on Farrand or finally read a book from my growing list. I'm going to let myself breathe. And I'm going to be happy.
I am happy.

And if it wasn't for Jack supporting me through everything, I don't know where I'd be. So here's a picture of us lovebirds last weekend. I actually have a handful more that I'll show y'all in a later blogpost.

I actually think it's my favorite picture of us so far, but Jackalope already beat me and made it his profile picture!

And please! Please! Comment on this blogpost! Tell me what makes you happy! What do you do when your down? How to you manage to stay positive when things around you seem to be terrible. I've had so many page visits and readers lately and I want to get to know each and every one of you. And if your sad, tell me, let me help you. I know from experience that you can always find something to be thankful for or generally happy about. There is always a silver lining. Life is worth living. This world is absolutely fantastic. Always. You are not a slug, rather, you are emerging into the most beautiful of butterflies.

xoxo, foxy

In response to being considerate, why I hate being "good"

Because I always end up alone. I don't know if being nice or caring somehow makes me less interesting or makes people want to be with me less, but I always end up alone. I hate being nice because I always become a second thought, no one ever puts me first. It's as though people get so used to me putting them first and doing nice things for them, that they forget to do the same for me. Like that movie we made plans weeks in advance to go to the screening of (actually it was months in advance because I've been talking about it since January).
And I hate that I'm nice because it makes me scared to have feelings. I'm scared to be upset. So I couldn't even tell you how sad it made me, especially since that's not the first time our plans from forever ago have been pushed aside for something else. I hate that if I'm upset about something, I'm apparently feeling sorry for myself. Why can't I just be mad or sad? Why can't I be stressed when I have so many tests or exams that I become a hermit? Why can't I be lonely?
I will never forget the day you told me you thought I was feeling sorry for myself when I tried to open up to you. Do you realize how terrified I now am to tell you how I feel? I'd rather just cry in front of you then tell you that I'm upset because I can't tell you how I feel. And I am upset! I'm sick of trying to see you always and you having a significantly less interest in seeing me. I won't say you don't want to see me. Maybe you still want to see me just as much as I see you, but you don't do anything about it. I've been trying so hard to make friends and every time I make plans with someone they let me down.
And yes, I do sometimes regret agreeing to be official because you stopped doing things for me. You stopped coming to my room to kiss me without me having to beg you to come see me. You stopped even agreeing to try and see movies with me or take me out on hikes or do couple things. We don't even talk about that stuff anymore. I try not to suggest it any more because I know it's not going to happen. What's the point? You're always busy. Unless it's me coming over your house. Unless it's sex. Unless it's you proving yourself to your frat and needing to walk in with a girl.

I'll admit, I'm exaggerating a bit. Or not necessarily exaggerating, but specifically pointing out all the negatives. I truly am sorry for that because you really aren't any of this to me. You're unbelievably fantastic to me. But I'm upset. I'm upset and I don't feel comfortable saying so or asking you to take me on a date or go to a screening with me or anything. I feel bad when I do. I feel so conceited or greedy when I ask you for things. I just want to be with you. But now even that's slipping away.


It's not about the non existent dates or missing the screening. It's not about you coming to my room or me going to your house. It's that I miss you and I feel like I'm losing you. It's that I miss you and I feel like you've forgotten me. I don't think you're ignoring me. I think you've forgotten me. You've forgotten me.



Maybe I should just go on the trip. Maybe then I'll forget you too.

Love.

I've cried far too many times this week and I hate being alone. I hate how often I feel alone. I hate sleeping alone and spending nights alone. I always try to be there for the people I care about, but they hardly seem to be there to me. All I want is to be chosen. I don't want to have to ask for you to pick me. I don't want to have to ask you to like me or want to hang out with me. I don't feel comfortable inviting myself places that I'm not asked. I wish you'd just tell me you like me and you want to hang out. How come you never call me first? Why is it that I always find myself alone while everyone else is out. No one ever invites me anywhere. The people who call me their best friend only say it because I treat them well. Because I would do anything to make someone else happy. I would do more than anyone could imagine to make a person I love just a little bit happier for a few seconds. It honestly matters to me that much. Your happiness matters to me that much. I only wish my happiness mattered too. I only wish I wasn't crying every time I ended up alone in a room. I only wish I wasn't waiting for someone to show up and kiss me.

Do you ever just look at someone and think "wow, I really love you"? They're just talking or watching a movie, maybe laughing or sleeping or something, and there's a special little spark in them. Their body is alive and there's light in there eyes and something causes the world to stop because you realize you love them. I just really love you.

And happiness always seems so close but so far away. But I keep managing to make myself smile. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe happiness really is that close. Because even though I cried after you left me last night, I fell asleep with a smile on my face. And even though I was just crying a half hour ago, I'm smiling right now. Because this world is such a beautiful place to get lost in. Everything about it is so unique and magnificent and I love you.

Sometimes I recall all the little things. Our first kiss. The purple Christmas lights and you offering me your plaid shirt. Meeting you when you had a mustache. Those first few text messages, joking about what our porn names would be. Giggling over shared blueberries. You always coming immediately to my room to hang out. The first time you did I fell asleep and you slept over and I wanted so badly for you to reach over and wrap your arms around me. The way you kissed my shoulder blades in the morning. You buying me a new copy of my favorite book because someone stole it. And holding me when I finally cried about my parents' divorce. You longboarded to come see me at 3 am because you knew I was upset. And then you held me till it was past 5 and the sun was beginning to come up. Yes, I miss you when you're gone but you still always make me happy.
I'm still going to bed with a smile on my face. And maybe it's not you making me happy, maybe it's me. Maybe I need to give myself more credit... One day. Until then, I'll be dreaming of your lips, always.

You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn’t get any better than this.

-Anonymous

I miss your lips, and everything attached to them. xo.

Relevant

I will always, always love and connect to this song. It's so relevant in my life and so beautiful and so sad. I don't know how to explain it (nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore), but I struggle with loving myself. In some ways, I feel like this song is about that. The acceptance of who I am. And I really do want somebody to love me for who I am. I want to be me and feel free and happy. I want to love myself, I want to be unashamed. To embrace me and my life. I feel like this whole thing reminds me that it's okay to be human and have feelings. It's okay to have a bad day or to be scared and want someone to hug you. It's okay to want someone to love me. I want you to love me. Do you love me? I think I'm finally beginning to love myself.

10 things I hate/love.

Things I hate:

1. Myself. And I don't mean this in the worst way, I'm just in a bit of a negative mood. But I always feel like I haven't accomplished anything or I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm not doing enough. I get lectured a LOT on what I should or shouldn't do and it makes me very uneasy. Is being me wrong? That's how I feel sometimes. As though everyone is telling me that I, myself, am wrong. 
2. People. People suck and they get really annoying. It's weird because at the same time, I'm head over heels for people. It's just that sometimes I feel so disconnected from them, from these people. And I watch these people and I just can't fathom them or their lives, and once again, it makes me uneasy. I just feel out of place with people. Either that or I'm jealous of them, and therefore hate them.
3. My body. We're jumping back to things about me, I guess. This one's very concrete. I have always hated the way I look. I hate my nose and want a nose job. I hate my hair so I dyed it, but now I miss being blonde. Now I miss being natural and I dunno.. I want to love who I am naturally. And then I workout so much and work so hard to stay slim and in shape but then sometimes I overeat and I just get fat all over again and I hate myself.
4. Copycats. I don't think it's a form of flattery and it's honestly always bothered me. Especially when the copier doesn't just come out and admit to copying or even admit to "being inspired" or anything. Please just acknowledge it. Please.
5. Being sick or lightheaded. Feeling as though I'm not capable of doing the things I want to do.
6. I really hate being alone.
7. Broken headphones. Music has forever been my constant therapy and savior. Maybe this is why I'm making a list of things I hate. I haven't been able to listen to my iPod in weeks and I'm definitely dying.
8. Opinionless people. When people don't say what they want, I die a little inside. First of all, if I care about you, I value your opinion. I really genuinely want to know what you want. So you not telling me kind of sucks that way. And then like... Not saying what you want, and acting based on what you think will make you "good" or "bad" or whatever. Oh goodness, please. No one really has that right to judge your actions and define you and prescribe those words to you. I'm certainly not God. And I find it to be so much more meaningful if you do whatever you think the "right" thing is, not because you think it's right, but because you WANT to. What do you want?
9. Farting. Ew.
10. Milk.

Things I love:

1. Myself. Or at least I try to. I really do try to see the creativity and passion and zest that other people apparently see. I've been told that people are drawn to my positive aura, and I really do try to see and acknowledge and give myself credit for things like that. Yay self!
2. People. People are just absolutely lovely. Have you ever witnessed someone do a good deed? It's absolutely breathtaking. This whole planet is just full of beautiful specimens, doing beautiful things.
3. My body. I work out on a regular basis and I have the abs to prove it. I'm very proud of my dedication and how far I've come. I love being sore and knowing I worked my body hard. I love getting stronger and more in shape. It makes me proud of myself! And yes, I do want to show it off. I love my body! Or I'm at least starting to love it more and more. One day I'll maybe love my face.
4. Raspberries! These things are legitimately heaven on earth. But for the sake of recent events, I also love blueberries and giggling with you about how they won't spoil our marriage. A perfect moment really. Perfect.
5. Giggling. You make me giggle a lot and giggling always makes me happy. I love that giggling is absolutely contagious and fun; I love that when one giggles, one's worries always disappear. I love the crooked tooth grin of yours and the crows feet you get when you giggle. I even love how much I squint my eyes when I'm in a moment of pure joy. That's what giggling is to me.
6. Falling asleep in your arms. Always. This will always be one of my absolute favorite things ever. I love when you get all cuddly and squeeze me tight. You make me feel safe and wanted and important. 
7. Happy music. It always puts a smile on my face and cheers me up.
8. Learning new languages. I know I complain a lot because I struggle with pronunciation, but I find there to be something so magical about words and different languages. I love learning French and thinking in German and the little bit of Armenian that I know. It's enchanting and exciting and I love it. I want to become multilingual. I want to become advanced proficient in body language... Yum.
9. When we cook dinner together. Even though we've still never been on a real date, I sometimes think I prefer our cooking dates. There's just something so special and intimate about cooking with that silly fella you adore. Really. I adore you.
10. You. 

You. The gestalt you and your lips and everything attached to them. You and your soul and your magnificent body and the unique thoughts that run through your head. Your crazy drawings and the way your eyes sparkle and you always make me laugh and you. All of you. Really, all of you. I can't even go on... Just all of you.

Wanting you.

taken and edited by the ever lovely Sarah Robinson

Unloading the words that are swimming in my mind, under my skin...
I want to go on a date with you. Sometimes I regret agreeing to date you before we went on a date because sometimes I feel as though we will never get the chance to actually go on one. And it makes me sad. I want to get dressed up for you, I have multiple date outfits planned just for you. I want to giggle and be intimate over dinner and have deep conversations and dive into your thoughts. I want to get to know you more and more, over drinks and dessert. I'm curious what you'll order and whether you'll pull out my chair or we'll both lean in to whisper sweet nothings. I want those moments with you.
It doesn't even have to be a dinner date, I'll do anything one on one with you! I'll volunteer with you or cook you dinner or serenade you into the night. I still owe you a homemade pie and I want to make pizza for you or play silly board games or even play truth or dare. I want us to go back to getting to know each other, because even though I know your presence, there' so much more I want to know about you. Let's ask each other a billion questions and really force raw truth and open up. I love when we open up.
I simply want spend more time with you, getting to know and adore you. And I feel bad saying this because you're sick right now and I feel so bad. I just feel so bad. I'm trying my hardest to take care of you, but there's only so much I can do. I just want to make you feel better. I try to rub your back even when my arms get heavy, and cradle your head when you rest on my shoulder. I try to hold your hand when you reach for me and sing to you and comfort you. Because you make me so happy and you really do deserve it. I just want to take care of you.

And I wish we could have gone out to eat for your birthday. I wish I hadn't been sick because I wanted to take you out. I just want to go places with you, I want to camp out under the stars or squeeze your hand in a scary movie theatre. I want to show you off to the world, but even more so... I want to get lost in our own little world. Just me and you.

Just me and you.
xo

 

Becoming Positive.

Something I tend to struggle with is staying positive. It's not that I'm an unhappy person necessarily, but I so easily get trapped in my head - in the worst way possible. As in, I just recently read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, which is a first person narrative, and I so deeply connected to the thoughts of the main character that it scared me a bit... It honestly continues to scare me. But the difference between Sylvia Plath's writings and me is that I continue to have hope and search for the little amazing things in life. Hence my post a little while ago about things to be happy about. My blog so often gets moody because it is a place for me to unwind when my thoughts are plaguing me, but I want to continue to remind myself that there are wondrous things in the world to embrace and be happy about.

I wrote a relatively long list of New Year's resolutions, not because I feel the need to resolve every aspect of my life, but because in general, there are a lot of things I want to be constantly working towards. For example, my body. I'm always trying to be healthier, but on my resolution list I wrote out how I plan on doing just that. This includes drinking more water (I don't drink soda ever, I almost always drink water, I simply want to drink about 2 liters of water a day), going to bed on time, stretching and meditating daily, working out on a regular basis, eating healthier, etc... The reason why I like to write things out, multiple times, is because it acts as a reminder to myself. When I write these positive thoughts and goals down, or simply say them out loud, I am confirming their importance in my life.

So here is my insanely long list of resolutions, by putting them on my blog, I'm telling the world that I am going to make these important changes in my life. And honestly, to me they are changes for life, these resolutions are the growth I crave as a person. I want to always, always be taking more steps toward these goals, not just for 2013, but for my life. My scanner is misbehaving because my printer is out of black ink, which is silly since the two actions aren't quite connected. But whatevs, maybe one day y'all will get a better picture. Until then, here ya go... (Also, there is no concrete reason why be more flexible is written in purple - it just happened... Awk).

27. WORRY LESS - LOVE MORE.

So now, I'm going to do something that I don't do enough, and I'm sure plenty of other people in the world don't do enough - I'm going to give myself credit. I've already actively been making changes to my lifestyle, and I deserve to be proud of how far I'm coming. On my list I have...

00. sleep

Although I have no doubt this has been affected by the time difference between New Jersey and Boulder, I have been actively going to bed earlier than 1 am, sometimes even earlier than 11 pm! This also means that I've been waking up much earlier, which is lovely. I really want to get into a good sleep schedule with classes starting (tomorrow!!!!) (And yes, I am excited for my classes to start).
3. Drink more water
I'm drinking a glass of water right now. I really am trying to always, always have water. I plan on getting a Brita filter so my roommate and I can always have fresh water in our fridge. I also plan on buying a new, really nice, water bottle when I go buy some of my books from the bookstore. This way, I can always have water with me and can drink it throughout the day. (I plan on buying some books tomorrow and Tuesday; water bottle, here I come!)
4. Be more organized
I got back to Boulder quite early, in fact, I got back before the dorms opened and stayed a night at my boyfriend's house (which I probably would have done any way). He went on a two day skiing trip while I moved back into my dorm. And although I hate being alone more than almost anything else on the planet (new resolution to add to my list: learn to appreciate the beauty in being alone), I got shit done. I unpacked everything from break (usually this takes me a few weeks), color coded my closet, and really started to figure out the important stuff in my life. I got organized not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I went to the doctor while my boyfriend was away, worked on his birthday presents, and really devoted time to focusing on the things that I value. Plus, before I left to come back to Boulder, I bought myself a very nifty finance book. It has a bunch of folders for receipts and all this awesome organizationy stuff. I am going to use the shit out of this finance book for a variety of reasons and it is kind of empowering. Not only that, but I also have the coolest planner ever, called the "Disappointments Diary." I ordered it all the way from the UK 'cause I'm crazy like that. But it's hilarious and perfect and I love British homour. (Spelled humor with a "u," 'cause duh, British)
Anyway, here's an awesome picture of my color coordinated closet 'cause it's perf and perf. (Sorry about the terrible lighting, roomie and I are planning on installing lights asap)

5. Read more books!

I am no longer an English major, officially a double major in Philosophy and Film with a minor in Creative Writing. Although this is technically much more work, it allows me to devote my time to personal reading! Since the beginning break I've read 2.5 books, which isn't much, but I'm getting back into the reading world! I read Slaughterhouse-Five, The Bell Jar, and am halfway through rereading Skellig! I love diving into my books, it's one of those things that makes me genuinely happy!

6. Do more things for Jack

Recently my lovely boyfriend and I exchanged Christmas presents, and even more recently was his birthday (so pretty much I gave him more presents). To me, this wasn't just about buying things for him, a lot of the effort I put into his presents was personal because I also made him stuff. I don't think I've ever felt so good about the things I've gotten someone. From new art supplies and a sketchbook that I wrote in and personalized (Christmas presents), to an awesome shirt, a book I knew he'd love, and mix CDs that I poured myself into (birthday presents), not only was he a happy camper, but I was over the moon to do these things for my fantastic boyfriend! I can possibly credit the act of giving as the thing that makes me happiest. Period. I love to give, and I especially love to give to the people I care about because it allows me to illustrate the fact that I do care. 

And I've been listening to the CDs/playlists. I'm so proud of them, I even edited some songs in garage band and included a hidden track. Yessssssssss!

I could continue to go on about all the steps I'm taking to making both myself and my life better, but I'm going to stop here. The fact that I could keep listing things, however, says a lot and makes me even more proud of myself. Sometimes I forget to give myself credit for the things I do and the effort I'm constantly putting in, but writing these lists always helps me to smile.

I'm going to end this with some empowering quotes that I plan on also adorning my room with.

And this... I'm sure someone will take what I'm about to say the wrong way, but part of me feels this applies to me. I have no idea what I am and I'm still trying to learn how to appreciate myself, it's the thing I struggle with the most in the world and one of the things I've heard the most from other people. Unprecedented means "without previous incidence; never before known or experienced; unexampled or unparalleled," with synonyms being "unique, extraordinary, exceptional, novel..." I'm not saying that I'm this special pearl or hidden gem, in all honesty, everyone is unique in their own way. I just mean that... I struggle to appreciate my unique differences. I really do have no idea what I am. Whenever someone tells me, I try so hard to grasp it but I cannot yet fathom it. Maybe I never will be able to, but hopefully one day I'll be able to see the beauty in myself. You know?

And my current favorite song EVER you have to listen to it, it's heaven and makes me so giggly-happy. Really just the first line... Perf.

"Well, he feels like an elephant,
shaking his big grey trunk for the hell of it"

I just imagine an elephant shaking his trunk for no concrete reason and it makes me giggle and smile and want to kiss the sky

Love; it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free. Be more like the man you were made to be.

I know that yesterday I posted a simple quote and it may have seemed meaningless, in some ways it was meaningless. It was significantly beautiful and heartfelt, but not necessarily anything pertaining to my life right now. This quote, however... This song lyric is everything I feel right now. It's my heart bursting and my emotions welling and tears spilling over for only the happiest reasons. I once wrote one here that the day I could speak/write openly about my parent's divorce would be life changing. Now I can say that my life has been changed. I finally feel safe enough to open up and I opened up and it's done amazing things for me. You have done amazing things for me.

I'm finally courageous. No longer scared. I've always been a lion but now I've got my c-c-courage. Now I can stand up tall and scream my thoughts and laugh and smile and make something of myself. Make something worth your while.

Love has set me free.

(I'msortofalsolaughingtomyselfathowcornythiswholepostis.....I'mwaytoosentimental)

I stole your shirt

I haven't had feelings for a boy in a while, so this is all new to me. But I like you. And I kept your shirt so I can sleep next to you even when you're not here. Sweet dreams, my dove.