Because I always end up alone. I don't know if being nice or caring somehow makes me less interesting or makes people want to be with me less, but I always end up alone. I hate being nice because I always become a second thought, no one ever puts me first. It's as though people get so used to me putting them first and doing nice things for them, that they forget to do the same for me. Like that movie we made plans weeks in advance to go to the screening of (actually it was months in advance because I've been talking about it since January).
And I hate that I'm nice because it makes me scared to have feelings. I'm scared to be upset. So I couldn't even tell you how sad it made me, especially since that's not the first time our plans from forever ago have been pushed aside for something else. I hate that if I'm upset about something, I'm apparently feeling sorry for myself. Why can't I just be mad or sad? Why can't I be stressed when I have so many tests or exams that I become a hermit? Why can't I be lonely?
I will never forget the day you told me you thought I was feeling sorry for myself when I tried to open up to you. Do you realize how terrified I now am to tell you how I feel? I'd rather just cry in front of you then tell you that I'm upset because I can't tell you how I feel. And I am upset! I'm sick of trying to see you always and you having a significantly less interest in seeing me. I won't say you don't want to see me. Maybe you still want to see me just as much as I see you, but you don't do anything about it. I've been trying so hard to make friends and every time I make plans with someone they let me down.
And yes, I do sometimes regret agreeing to be official because you stopped doing things for me. You stopped coming to my room to kiss me without me having to beg you to come see me. You stopped even agreeing to try and see movies with me or take me out on hikes or do couple things. We don't even talk about that stuff anymore. I try not to suggest it any more because I know it's not going to happen. What's the point? You're always busy. Unless it's me coming over your house. Unless it's sex. Unless it's you proving yourself to your frat and needing to walk in with a girl.
I'll admit, I'm exaggerating a bit. Or not necessarily exaggerating, but specifically pointing out all the negatives. I truly am sorry for that because you really aren't any of this to me. You're unbelievably fantastic to me. But I'm upset. I'm upset and I don't feel comfortable saying so or asking you to take me on a date or go to a screening with me or anything. I feel bad when I do. I feel so conceited or greedy when I ask you for things. I just want to be with you. But now even that's slipping away.
It's not about the non existent dates or missing the screening. It's not about you coming to my room or me going to your house. It's that I miss you and I feel like I'm losing you. It's that I miss you and I feel like you've forgotten me. I don't think you're ignoring me. I think you've forgotten me. You've forgotten me.
Maybe I should just go on the trip. Maybe then I'll forget you too.
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