Thoughts about you.

This morning after my terrible sickness and you comforting me, you were dozing slightly, your blue eyes opening and shutting every once and a while. I loved your groggy face and rubbing your back and making you feel better because, let's face it, we both felt like shit. When you were just beginning to stir, thoughts were running through my mind and their were so many things I wanted to say to you. I just... I get scared sometimes because the act of saying them out loud.... Is me admitting how true they are.
But I planned it all out in my head, this is what I wanted to tell you:
I love you in the least infinite, romanticized, idealized way possible. I simply love you in this moment, I love the essence of you and your existence. I love your tired eyes and crooked smile. The way you laugh with your whole being and your unique way of viewing the word. In this moment, I want nothing more than to crawl into your arms and feel you squeeze me. I love when you wrap your whole body around me and nuzzle my neck and tell me I'm yours. I miss your lips, Jack. I miss cupping your face in my hands and pulling you towards me. I love the way our bodies dance and our words entangle as we taunt each other. You fill my heart with joy and you bring out the best of me. I'm not saying I love you forever, or that I love you the same way a couple getting married does, but that I love you right now, right here, in this exact moment. You're perfect to me as you are and I love existing with you.

But something else has been plaguing my mind a lot recently. Not from the morning, but... In general, and... I'm so scared to say it out loud to you. I don't fit into your life, Sweet Tea. That's what I've realized. I feel so out of place when I'm with your friends. I don't know I just don't fit. I can't even go into in detail here, because I'm terrified. I wish you'd come over right now and get this out of me because I want to pour my heart out to you. I want to tell you this so we can fix it, I'm just so scared. And I feel so insignificant to you. I guess I want you to make an effort to fit me into your life or something. I don't know. I love losing time with you in your room. I love kissing your skin and making you smile. I love cuddling and talking with our bodies. But in some ways I want more. I want to go on a date with you and I want you to show me off to your friends, instead of me just sitting on the couch while you socialize. I get shy. And you always just introduce me by my name, never really bothering to tell people I'm your girlfriend. Which I completely understand. You shouldn't have to tell people we're dating, but... I want to be the girlfriend you adore not just in private. And yes, we cuddle on the couch in front of everyone. There's that, among other things. But I've started to feel disconnected from others. That's exactly it - I feel out of place with your friends and as though I just don't fit into your life. I want to be a part of your whole life.

To state it more positively: I want to be a part of your whole life. I want to get to know you more and more every day, I want to mean something to you. You know? Because you're a part of my life and you mean something to me and I adore you.




And ps - I feel bad saying this stuff because sometimes (most of the time) I feel as though I have no friends. You have your friends and I don't want to take that away from you. You deserve guy time and stuff, I just wish I had friends to spend time with while you hang out with your friends. You know? Fuck. I'm sorry for being so bad at this.

Scream

I'm furious and upset and very hurt and I want to scream in your face. You've made me cry a lot more than I'd like to admit. And I hate this. And I simply want you to care and put effort in and I'm always so happy when I'm with you. So why is it that I'm with you so little and that you really don't go out of your way for anything and that you say you'll be here tomorrow, but then you're gone? You make me uncomfortably sad and alone because you're constantly pulling the rug out from under my feet. Next time give me notice so I can prepare myself to be falling asleep alone. (Not necessarily falling asleep alone, but laying in my bed, crying, alone; because I hardly sleep, simply cry until I doze off and have nightmares and wake up crying all over again).

The Atlantic was born today, and I'll tell you how
The clouds above opened up and let it out

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean
Making islands where no island should go
Oh no

Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door
Have been silenced forever more
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no

I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 

I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 

So come on, come on 
So come on, come on 
So come on, come on 
So come on, come on

I need you so much closer. So please, tell me you need me too. Please make an effort. I just want to be with you. I just want to see your blue eyes and feel your arms around me. Your smile, once a day, could keep me happy longer than I can explain. You're absolutely lovely and far out in all the best ways. I adore all the little things that add up to the beautiful gestalt you. I just wish I could see the gestalt you more often. I just want your presence, your strong aura. The aura that always makes me smile. You make me... Happy to be me. When you're here. God, I miss you so much. I feel like I didn't even get to see you and that's why this sucks. And I don't want us to be just sex. I want to go on a real date. I want you to care. and I hate when we use the word "fuck," I'd rather we "make love." Am I asking too much? You don't owe me anything. I don't want you doing things for me because you feel obligated. I want you to want me too, to want to do things for me, just as I'm always going out of my way to do things for you. I can't even stay mad at you or upset at you because you're honestly so fantastic to me. I want no one else.

I just get lonely sometimes. I miss your lips, and everything attached to them.