“We are all future butterflies who think, wrongly, that we are just slugs. And we are evolving, whether we admit it or not, into something else. Something with wings.” — Jeffrey J. Kripal

Have I told you how magnificent the world we live in is? I've been having an incredibly rough few weeks, but I just made a decision that has lifted a load off of my shoulders. I've decided not to go on the service trip. After a very grueling day filled with crying over stress, and eventually starting to get sick, I realized that it'd be stupid of me to go. I'm starting to get sick because I am stressing over studying, which means that by the end of the week, I doubt I'll be peachy keen and ready to hop into a car and go play with children. I'll probably want to sleep for 48 hours straight. In which case, I'd miss the whole trip I paid for. Not only would I be going on the trip most likely ill, but I'd be ignoring my own psychological well-being. Honestly, this is what I've learned from these terrible few weeks: I have to allow myself to breathe. I have to allow myself to be happy. I can't lock myself in my room studying. I have to allow myself to want things and to get the things that I want. Sometimes, it's necessary to be selfish.
So starting tomorrow I'm going to allow myself to enjoy life. I kept bawling my eyes out over the fact that I wasn't living, that I was simply existing, instead of going out and embracing this beautiful town that I live in! Tomorrow I'm going to go on a run after which I will treat myself to reading and Starbucks. Then I'll get back to studying. Once I've relaxed a little, I'll allow myself to study - outside! I'll sit in this magnificent weather and study. Maybe I'll even work on my short story because I know I'll be feeling inspired. I think I'll break out my watercolors and paint or maybe get the balls to visit Jack at work because who knows? There are so many things I can do, there are so many possibilities! I can do it all. I'm going to have a fantastic day. I'm glowing as I write this.

And then during spring break, I am going to allow myself to relax. But not only that... I am going to allow myself to do all the things I've been wanting to do. Like go on hikes with Jack or tan on Farrand or finally read a book from my growing list. I'm going to let myself breathe. And I'm going to be happy.
I am happy.

And if it wasn't for Jack supporting me through everything, I don't know where I'd be. So here's a picture of us lovebirds last weekend. I actually have a handful more that I'll show y'all in a later blogpost.

I actually think it's my favorite picture of us so far, but Jackalope already beat me and made it his profile picture!

And please! Please! Comment on this blogpost! Tell me what makes you happy! What do you do when your down? How to you manage to stay positive when things around you seem to be terrible. I've had so many page visits and readers lately and I want to get to know each and every one of you. And if your sad, tell me, let me help you. I know from experience that you can always find something to be thankful for or generally happy about. There is always a silver lining. Life is worth living. This world is absolutely fantastic. Always. You are not a slug, rather, you are emerging into the most beautiful of butterflies.

xoxo, foxy

Wanting you.

taken and edited by the ever lovely Sarah Robinson

Unloading the words that are swimming in my mind, under my skin...
I want to go on a date with you. Sometimes I regret agreeing to date you before we went on a date because sometimes I feel as though we will never get the chance to actually go on one. And it makes me sad. I want to get dressed up for you, I have multiple date outfits planned just for you. I want to giggle and be intimate over dinner and have deep conversations and dive into your thoughts. I want to get to know you more and more, over drinks and dessert. I'm curious what you'll order and whether you'll pull out my chair or we'll both lean in to whisper sweet nothings. I want those moments with you.
It doesn't even have to be a dinner date, I'll do anything one on one with you! I'll volunteer with you or cook you dinner or serenade you into the night. I still owe you a homemade pie and I want to make pizza for you or play silly board games or even play truth or dare. I want us to go back to getting to know each other, because even though I know your presence, there' so much more I want to know about you. Let's ask each other a billion questions and really force raw truth and open up. I love when we open up.
I simply want spend more time with you, getting to know and adore you. And I feel bad saying this because you're sick right now and I feel so bad. I just feel so bad. I'm trying my hardest to take care of you, but there's only so much I can do. I just want to make you feel better. I try to rub your back even when my arms get heavy, and cradle your head when you rest on my shoulder. I try to hold your hand when you reach for me and sing to you and comfort you. Because you make me so happy and you really do deserve it. I just want to take care of you.

And I wish we could have gone out to eat for your birthday. I wish I hadn't been sick because I wanted to take you out. I just want to go places with you, I want to camp out under the stars or squeeze your hand in a scary movie theatre. I want to show you off to the world, but even more so... I want to get lost in our own little world. Just me and you.

Just me and you.
xo

 

Thoughts about you.

This morning after my terrible sickness and you comforting me, you were dozing slightly, your blue eyes opening and shutting every once and a while. I loved your groggy face and rubbing your back and making you feel better because, let's face it, we both felt like shit. When you were just beginning to stir, thoughts were running through my mind and their were so many things I wanted to say to you. I just... I get scared sometimes because the act of saying them out loud.... Is me admitting how true they are.
But I planned it all out in my head, this is what I wanted to tell you:
I love you in the least infinite, romanticized, idealized way possible. I simply love you in this moment, I love the essence of you and your existence. I love your tired eyes and crooked smile. The way you laugh with your whole being and your unique way of viewing the word. In this moment, I want nothing more than to crawl into your arms and feel you squeeze me. I love when you wrap your whole body around me and nuzzle my neck and tell me I'm yours. I miss your lips, Jack. I miss cupping your face in my hands and pulling you towards me. I love the way our bodies dance and our words entangle as we taunt each other. You fill my heart with joy and you bring out the best of me. I'm not saying I love you forever, or that I love you the same way a couple getting married does, but that I love you right now, right here, in this exact moment. You're perfect to me as you are and I love existing with you.

But something else has been plaguing my mind a lot recently. Not from the morning, but... In general, and... I'm so scared to say it out loud to you. I don't fit into your life, Sweet Tea. That's what I've realized. I feel so out of place when I'm with your friends. I don't know I just don't fit. I can't even go into in detail here, because I'm terrified. I wish you'd come over right now and get this out of me because I want to pour my heart out to you. I want to tell you this so we can fix it, I'm just so scared. And I feel so insignificant to you. I guess I want you to make an effort to fit me into your life or something. I don't know. I love losing time with you in your room. I love kissing your skin and making you smile. I love cuddling and talking with our bodies. But in some ways I want more. I want to go on a date with you and I want you to show me off to your friends, instead of me just sitting on the couch while you socialize. I get shy. And you always just introduce me by my name, never really bothering to tell people I'm your girlfriend. Which I completely understand. You shouldn't have to tell people we're dating, but... I want to be the girlfriend you adore not just in private. And yes, we cuddle on the couch in front of everyone. There's that, among other things. But I've started to feel disconnected from others. That's exactly it - I feel out of place with your friends and as though I just don't fit into your life. I want to be a part of your whole life.

To state it more positively: I want to be a part of your whole life. I want to get to know you more and more every day, I want to mean something to you. You know? Because you're a part of my life and you mean something to me and I adore you.




And ps - I feel bad saying this stuff because sometimes (most of the time) I feel as though I have no friends. You have your friends and I don't want to take that away from you. You deserve guy time and stuff, I just wish I had friends to spend time with while you hang out with your friends. You know? Fuck. I'm sorry for being so bad at this.

I stole your shirt

I haven't had feelings for a boy in a while, so this is all new to me. But I like you. And I kept your shirt so I can sleep next to you even when you're not here. Sweet dreams, my dove.