don't you let me go, let me go tonight

If only you were here holding me, so that you could not let me go. 

jesus christ

"Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead?"

Relevant

I will always, always love and connect to this song. It's so relevant in my life and so beautiful and so sad. I don't know how to explain it (nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore), but I struggle with loving myself. In some ways, I feel like this song is about that. The acceptance of who I am. And I really do want somebody to love me for who I am. I want to be me and feel free and happy. I want to love myself, I want to be unashamed. To embrace me and my life. I feel like this whole thing reminds me that it's okay to be human and have feelings. It's okay to have a bad day or to be scared and want someone to hug you. It's okay to want someone to love me. I want you to love me. Do you love me? I think I'm finally beginning to love myself.

Total light envelops you, it becomes you.

In psych tests on deep space, I ran a number of sensory deprivation trials, tested in total darkness, on flotation tanks - and the point about darkness is, you float in it. You and the darkness are distinct from each other because darkness is an absence of something, it’s a vacuum. But total light envelops you. It becomes you. It’s very strange. I recommend it.
-Sunshine (2007)

I mean this in the most pure and existential and we-are-all-one, infinite, way possible.

And so begins my newfound obsession with space and mysteries and galaxies and light and the sun and I cannot wait to finally buy myself Cosmos by Carl Sagan because it's been on my reading list forever but now it's relevant. I've always been interested in space, as a child I would star gaze and look for planets with my dad, and then study the pages in the back of the dictionary about our solar system. Goodness, we live in such a big place.. I want to embrace everything in the universe and be a part of it and just hug everyone. This is something similar to what I felt reading the last book of the Golden Compass/His Dark Materials trilogy... This oneness. With nature and all people and everything.

Yesterday I finally watched the film "Sunshine," directed by Danny Boyle (28 Days Later, Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours...) and starring Cillian Murphy (Scarecrow in Batman Begins) and also featuring Rose Byrne (I always remember her in Bridesmaids) and Chris Evans (Capt. America)... Surprisingly, I didn't look any of that up to write this. I'm simply blown away by this movie. I found it utterly entrancing and beautiful in ways that are hard to put to words. The cinematography was breathtaking. And the combination of the other-wordly images with the amazing music (John Murphy) was truly a masterpiece. I highly recommend this movie to everyone, because even with the few weaknesses in the storyline (I actually don't mind them, but a lot of reviews did), I think the film still absolutely succeeded. I actually found it to be a bit of a spiritual experience.

For the record, Sunshine is about a team of astronauts sent to reignite the dying sun.

Here are some of the absolutely stunning scenes from the film...

No spoilers: (for better quality of this scene go here I couldn't embed it)

Some spoilers:

Amazing clips with spoilers that cannot be embedded: one | two


So here I am, sinking into both the Sunshine soundtrack (your heart will burst) and some Angels and Airwaves, because they've always been out there in a sort of cosmic way. And this song, A Little's Enough, illustrates a lot of what I'm feeling right now. Because I do have a lot of bad days, everyone does. But a little love is enough. And the instrumental part at the beginning tugs at my soul. Goodness, sometimes I just feel so whole. So a part of everything else. And it's truly limitless.

"A Little's Enough"

When all is said and done 

Will we still feel pain inside? 

Will the scars go away with night? 

Try to smile for the morning light

It's like the best dream to have 

Where every thing is not so bad 

Every tear is so alone 

Like God himself is coming home to say 

I, I can do anything 

If you want me here 

And I can fix any thing 

If you let me near 

Where are those secrets now

That you're too scared to tell 

I'd whisper them all aloud 

So you can hear yourself 

Green trees were the first sign 

The deepest blue, the clearest sky

The silence came with the brightest eyes 

And turned water into wine 

The children ran to see 

The parents stood in disbelief 

And those who knew braced for the ride 

The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything 

If you want me here 

And I can fix anything 

If you let me near 

Where are those secrets now 

That you're too scared to tell

I whisper them all aloud 

So you can hear yourself 

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad 

Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad 

The cure is if you let in just a little more love

I promise you this, a little's enough

[x6]

(Just a little...)

Wanting you.

taken and edited by the ever lovely Sarah Robinson

Unloading the words that are swimming in my mind, under my skin...
I want to go on a date with you. Sometimes I regret agreeing to date you before we went on a date because sometimes I feel as though we will never get the chance to actually go on one. And it makes me sad. I want to get dressed up for you, I have multiple date outfits planned just for you. I want to giggle and be intimate over dinner and have deep conversations and dive into your thoughts. I want to get to know you more and more, over drinks and dessert. I'm curious what you'll order and whether you'll pull out my chair or we'll both lean in to whisper sweet nothings. I want those moments with you.
It doesn't even have to be a dinner date, I'll do anything one on one with you! I'll volunteer with you or cook you dinner or serenade you into the night. I still owe you a homemade pie and I want to make pizza for you or play silly board games or even play truth or dare. I want us to go back to getting to know each other, because even though I know your presence, there' so much more I want to know about you. Let's ask each other a billion questions and really force raw truth and open up. I love when we open up.
I simply want spend more time with you, getting to know and adore you. And I feel bad saying this because you're sick right now and I feel so bad. I just feel so bad. I'm trying my hardest to take care of you, but there's only so much I can do. I just want to make you feel better. I try to rub your back even when my arms get heavy, and cradle your head when you rest on my shoulder. I try to hold your hand when you reach for me and sing to you and comfort you. Because you make me so happy and you really do deserve it. I just want to take care of you.

And I wish we could have gone out to eat for your birthday. I wish I hadn't been sick because I wanted to take you out. I just want to go places with you, I want to camp out under the stars or squeeze your hand in a scary movie theatre. I want to show you off to the world, but even more so... I want to get lost in our own little world. Just me and you.

Just me and you.
xo

 

Becoming Positive.

Something I tend to struggle with is staying positive. It's not that I'm an unhappy person necessarily, but I so easily get trapped in my head - in the worst way possible. As in, I just recently read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, which is a first person narrative, and I so deeply connected to the thoughts of the main character that it scared me a bit... It honestly continues to scare me. But the difference between Sylvia Plath's writings and me is that I continue to have hope and search for the little amazing things in life. Hence my post a little while ago about things to be happy about. My blog so often gets moody because it is a place for me to unwind when my thoughts are plaguing me, but I want to continue to remind myself that there are wondrous things in the world to embrace and be happy about.

I wrote a relatively long list of New Year's resolutions, not because I feel the need to resolve every aspect of my life, but because in general, there are a lot of things I want to be constantly working towards. For example, my body. I'm always trying to be healthier, but on my resolution list I wrote out how I plan on doing just that. This includes drinking more water (I don't drink soda ever, I almost always drink water, I simply want to drink about 2 liters of water a day), going to bed on time, stretching and meditating daily, working out on a regular basis, eating healthier, etc... The reason why I like to write things out, multiple times, is because it acts as a reminder to myself. When I write these positive thoughts and goals down, or simply say them out loud, I am confirming their importance in my life.

So here is my insanely long list of resolutions, by putting them on my blog, I'm telling the world that I am going to make these important changes in my life. And honestly, to me they are changes for life, these resolutions are the growth I crave as a person. I want to always, always be taking more steps toward these goals, not just for 2013, but for my life. My scanner is misbehaving because my printer is out of black ink, which is silly since the two actions aren't quite connected. But whatevs, maybe one day y'all will get a better picture. Until then, here ya go... (Also, there is no concrete reason why be more flexible is written in purple - it just happened... Awk).

27. WORRY LESS - LOVE MORE.

So now, I'm going to do something that I don't do enough, and I'm sure plenty of other people in the world don't do enough - I'm going to give myself credit. I've already actively been making changes to my lifestyle, and I deserve to be proud of how far I'm coming. On my list I have...

00. sleep

Although I have no doubt this has been affected by the time difference between New Jersey and Boulder, I have been actively going to bed earlier than 1 am, sometimes even earlier than 11 pm! This also means that I've been waking up much earlier, which is lovely. I really want to get into a good sleep schedule with classes starting (tomorrow!!!!) (And yes, I am excited for my classes to start).
3. Drink more water
I'm drinking a glass of water right now. I really am trying to always, always have water. I plan on getting a Brita filter so my roommate and I can always have fresh water in our fridge. I also plan on buying a new, really nice, water bottle when I go buy some of my books from the bookstore. This way, I can always have water with me and can drink it throughout the day. (I plan on buying some books tomorrow and Tuesday; water bottle, here I come!)
4. Be more organized
I got back to Boulder quite early, in fact, I got back before the dorms opened and stayed a night at my boyfriend's house (which I probably would have done any way). He went on a two day skiing trip while I moved back into my dorm. And although I hate being alone more than almost anything else on the planet (new resolution to add to my list: learn to appreciate the beauty in being alone), I got shit done. I unpacked everything from break (usually this takes me a few weeks), color coded my closet, and really started to figure out the important stuff in my life. I got organized not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I went to the doctor while my boyfriend was away, worked on his birthday presents, and really devoted time to focusing on the things that I value. Plus, before I left to come back to Boulder, I bought myself a very nifty finance book. It has a bunch of folders for receipts and all this awesome organizationy stuff. I am going to use the shit out of this finance book for a variety of reasons and it is kind of empowering. Not only that, but I also have the coolest planner ever, called the "Disappointments Diary." I ordered it all the way from the UK 'cause I'm crazy like that. But it's hilarious and perfect and I love British homour. (Spelled humor with a "u," 'cause duh, British)
Anyway, here's an awesome picture of my color coordinated closet 'cause it's perf and perf. (Sorry about the terrible lighting, roomie and I are planning on installing lights asap)

5. Read more books!

I am no longer an English major, officially a double major in Philosophy and Film with a minor in Creative Writing. Although this is technically much more work, it allows me to devote my time to personal reading! Since the beginning break I've read 2.5 books, which isn't much, but I'm getting back into the reading world! I read Slaughterhouse-Five, The Bell Jar, and am halfway through rereading Skellig! I love diving into my books, it's one of those things that makes me genuinely happy!

6. Do more things for Jack

Recently my lovely boyfriend and I exchanged Christmas presents, and even more recently was his birthday (so pretty much I gave him more presents). To me, this wasn't just about buying things for him, a lot of the effort I put into his presents was personal because I also made him stuff. I don't think I've ever felt so good about the things I've gotten someone. From new art supplies and a sketchbook that I wrote in and personalized (Christmas presents), to an awesome shirt, a book I knew he'd love, and mix CDs that I poured myself into (birthday presents), not only was he a happy camper, but I was over the moon to do these things for my fantastic boyfriend! I can possibly credit the act of giving as the thing that makes me happiest. Period. I love to give, and I especially love to give to the people I care about because it allows me to illustrate the fact that I do care. 

And I've been listening to the CDs/playlists. I'm so proud of them, I even edited some songs in garage band and included a hidden track. Yessssssssss!

I could continue to go on about all the steps I'm taking to making both myself and my life better, but I'm going to stop here. The fact that I could keep listing things, however, says a lot and makes me even more proud of myself. Sometimes I forget to give myself credit for the things I do and the effort I'm constantly putting in, but writing these lists always helps me to smile.

I'm going to end this with some empowering quotes that I plan on also adorning my room with.

And this... I'm sure someone will take what I'm about to say the wrong way, but part of me feels this applies to me. I have no idea what I am and I'm still trying to learn how to appreciate myself, it's the thing I struggle with the most in the world and one of the things I've heard the most from other people. Unprecedented means "without previous incidence; never before known or experienced; unexampled or unparalleled," with synonyms being "unique, extraordinary, exceptional, novel..." I'm not saying that I'm this special pearl or hidden gem, in all honesty, everyone is unique in their own way. I just mean that... I struggle to appreciate my unique differences. I really do have no idea what I am. Whenever someone tells me, I try so hard to grasp it but I cannot yet fathom it. Maybe I never will be able to, but hopefully one day I'll be able to see the beauty in myself. You know?

And my current favorite song EVER you have to listen to it, it's heaven and makes me so giggly-happy. Really just the first line... Perf.

"Well, he feels like an elephant,
shaking his big grey trunk for the hell of it"

I just imagine an elephant shaking his trunk for no concrete reason and it makes me giggle and smile and want to kiss the sky

Thoughts about you.

This morning after my terrible sickness and you comforting me, you were dozing slightly, your blue eyes opening and shutting every once and a while. I loved your groggy face and rubbing your back and making you feel better because, let's face it, we both felt like shit. When you were just beginning to stir, thoughts were running through my mind and their were so many things I wanted to say to you. I just... I get scared sometimes because the act of saying them out loud.... Is me admitting how true they are.
But I planned it all out in my head, this is what I wanted to tell you:
I love you in the least infinite, romanticized, idealized way possible. I simply love you in this moment, I love the essence of you and your existence. I love your tired eyes and crooked smile. The way you laugh with your whole being and your unique way of viewing the word. In this moment, I want nothing more than to crawl into your arms and feel you squeeze me. I love when you wrap your whole body around me and nuzzle my neck and tell me I'm yours. I miss your lips, Jack. I miss cupping your face in my hands and pulling you towards me. I love the way our bodies dance and our words entangle as we taunt each other. You fill my heart with joy and you bring out the best of me. I'm not saying I love you forever, or that I love you the same way a couple getting married does, but that I love you right now, right here, in this exact moment. You're perfect to me as you are and I love existing with you.

But something else has been plaguing my mind a lot recently. Not from the morning, but... In general, and... I'm so scared to say it out loud to you. I don't fit into your life, Sweet Tea. That's what I've realized. I feel so out of place when I'm with your friends. I don't know I just don't fit. I can't even go into in detail here, because I'm terrified. I wish you'd come over right now and get this out of me because I want to pour my heart out to you. I want to tell you this so we can fix it, I'm just so scared. And I feel so insignificant to you. I guess I want you to make an effort to fit me into your life or something. I don't know. I love losing time with you in your room. I love kissing your skin and making you smile. I love cuddling and talking with our bodies. But in some ways I want more. I want to go on a date with you and I want you to show me off to your friends, instead of me just sitting on the couch while you socialize. I get shy. And you always just introduce me by my name, never really bothering to tell people I'm your girlfriend. Which I completely understand. You shouldn't have to tell people we're dating, but... I want to be the girlfriend you adore not just in private. And yes, we cuddle on the couch in front of everyone. There's that, among other things. But I've started to feel disconnected from others. That's exactly it - I feel out of place with your friends and as though I just don't fit into your life. I want to be a part of your whole life.

To state it more positively: I want to be a part of your whole life. I want to get to know you more and more every day, I want to mean something to you. You know? Because you're a part of my life and you mean something to me and I adore you.




And ps - I feel bad saying this stuff because sometimes (most of the time) I feel as though I have no friends. You have your friends and I don't want to take that away from you. You deserve guy time and stuff, I just wish I had friends to spend time with while you hang out with your friends. You know? Fuck. I'm sorry for being so bad at this.

Scream

I'm furious and upset and very hurt and I want to scream in your face. You've made me cry a lot more than I'd like to admit. And I hate this. And I simply want you to care and put effort in and I'm always so happy when I'm with you. So why is it that I'm with you so little and that you really don't go out of your way for anything and that you say you'll be here tomorrow, but then you're gone? You make me uncomfortably sad and alone because you're constantly pulling the rug out from under my feet. Next time give me notice so I can prepare myself to be falling asleep alone. (Not necessarily falling asleep alone, but laying in my bed, crying, alone; because I hardly sleep, simply cry until I doze off and have nightmares and wake up crying all over again).

The Atlantic was born today, and I'll tell you how
The clouds above opened up and let it out

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean
Making islands where no island should go
Oh no

Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door
Have been silenced forever more
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no

I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 

I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 

So come on, come on 
So come on, come on 
So come on, come on 
So come on, come on

I need you so much closer. So please, tell me you need me too. Please make an effort. I just want to be with you. I just want to see your blue eyes and feel your arms around me. Your smile, once a day, could keep me happy longer than I can explain. You're absolutely lovely and far out in all the best ways. I adore all the little things that add up to the beautiful gestalt you. I just wish I could see the gestalt you more often. I just want your presence, your strong aura. The aura that always makes me smile. You make me... Happy to be me. When you're here. God, I miss you so much. I feel like I didn't even get to see you and that's why this sucks. And I don't want us to be just sex. I want to go on a real date. I want you to care. and I hate when we use the word "fuck," I'd rather we "make love." Am I asking too much? You don't owe me anything. I don't want you doing things for me because you feel obligated. I want you to want me too, to want to do things for me, just as I'm always going out of my way to do things for you. I can't even stay mad at you or upset at you because you're honestly so fantastic to me. I want no one else.

I just get lonely sometimes. I miss your lips, and everything attached to them.

repeating

so much shit going on in my head. i just want to escape with you.

Love; it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you, it will set you free. Be more like the man you were made to be.

I know that yesterday I posted a simple quote and it may have seemed meaningless, in some ways it was meaningless. It was significantly beautiful and heartfelt, but not necessarily anything pertaining to my life right now. This quote, however... This song lyric is everything I feel right now. It's my heart bursting and my emotions welling and tears spilling over for only the happiest reasons. I once wrote one here that the day I could speak/write openly about my parent's divorce would be life changing. Now I can say that my life has been changed. I finally feel safe enough to open up and I opened up and it's done amazing things for me. You have done amazing things for me.

I'm finally courageous. No longer scared. I've always been a lion but now I've got my c-c-courage. Now I can stand up tall and scream my thoughts and laugh and smile and make something of myself. Make something worth your while.

Love has set me free.

(I'msortofalsolaughingtomyselfathowcornythiswholepostis.....I'mwaytoosentimental)

Mise en abîme

This is called... I hate the way I let you do the things you do. I've been thinking about how to write this post for the past few days. And I was ready for bed more than two hours ago, trying to get to bed early, but had too much on my mind to even daydream of falling asleep at a reasonable hour. So here I am trying to let out all the things I want to say.
Did you know that I hate getting physically close to people? No, you didn't. I know you all think I love sex and use it as some form of a refugee (because I've gotten a comment about this). But actually, I'm not partaking in any kind of sexual acts. I'm abstinent. And it's because I've been raised to somehow be scared of it. To fear being intimate. Every time I try anything I feel terrible afterwards. (For the record, this has nothing to do with Faith or God. It's me and my image of myself.) I feel dirty. I feel slutty. I wish I could indulge but I can't. I never could. If I ever try, later that night it keeps me up and I just scream at myself in my head, over and over, "whore! whore!" It's funny because I know I'm not. I know kissing a boy isn't a terrible thing but I always feel as though it is. I always feel as though I'm breaking some unspoken, universal law. Thou shall not engage intimately with anyone. Is this my curse? An inability to let myself go and do what feels right in the moment? An inability to really let anyone in at all?
I'm a big flirt. I'll admit, I like the attention I receive from guys who are interested in me. It makes me feel wanted (at least physically wanted), which is something I've hardly ever felt. I always feel out of place. Always. With my "family", "friends", etc... I feel intellectually and emotionally off. I simply don't fit in. So I flirt to get attention that I feel I don't receive otherwise. But then I can't bring myself to follow through. For starters, I'm attracted to almost everyone when I first meet them. I love everything to at least a very tiny extent. I can honestly find love in everything. But the attraction always fades away, always. So I feel bad letting a boy get close to me, because what happens when it fades? I've been hurt and I don't want to hurt other people. I love the chase but once I get them, I'm bored. And I love being chased, but sure enough once they get me, they're bored as well. So sometimes I'll flirt with a guy that I'm genuinely interested in, get the chance to, you know, hook up with him, and turn him down because I don't want to feel slutty or like I could have hurt their feelings afterwards. Especially if there's drinking involved, I'd like to think that I'm worth more than a drunken hook up. Which is honestly silly because in some ways, I hate myself. In most ways. But still, let's pretend I think I'm worth more than a drunken hook up. I'm sure you're all wondering why I don't just get a boyfriend and feel wanted and be happy with my life. I can't help that I'm a silly adolescent with hormones and I don't want to be tied down to one person. I'm a freshman in college and I meet new people on a daily basis, I'm attracted to all these new people when I first meet them. Almost everyone I meet. There's something special about everyone, and I can find it. I'm not ready to settle down. Besides, it's so easy to get hurt in a relationship. If I have trouble being physically intimate with others, what are the chances of me being comfortable with emotional intimacy?
Hah.
Now to further explain myself, where I have been misunderstood... I received this comment:

I don't know you, I don't know your life, but I'm inclined to think that you're seeking strength in the wrong places. Namely, in other people instead of yourself (and, if you believe in that sort of thing, god). I have a challenge for you: celibacy for a year. For six months. For the rest of the semester. Whatever you choose. Challenge yourself. Cause I honestly believe the feeling of victory after you've fought your hardest is better than an orgasm.

The reason why it comes off as though I find "strength" in sex, is because honestly, in some ways, I wish I could. I crave carelessness and ignorance, not that I would fake ignorance to find bliss. But sometimes I wish I could. Especially on my blog where I pretty much vent about everything that bothers me ever. I wish I could be ignorant and lose myself in physical intimacy, because I cannot find it within myself to be emotionally or intellectually intimate with anyone. So yes, I do sometimes wish I could have "the ignorance of mindless sex," as I wrote on the post that received the above comment, but that's because I really just wish I could be intimate in general.

I feel very, very alone. And it's a terrible feeling. I break down and cry a lot. A lot. Because I don't know what to do with myself. What do I do with myself?
Nothing. I can do nothing but slowly disappear, until I become a ghost of this world. I'm falling through the floors and ceilings, hoping to slip into a place I belong. I am not of this world.



And now a variety of Skins gifs and pictures that honestly express how I feel: