10 things I hate/love.

Things I hate:

1. Myself. And I don't mean this in the worst way, I'm just in a bit of a negative mood. But I always feel like I haven't accomplished anything or I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm not doing enough. I get lectured a LOT on what I should or shouldn't do and it makes me very uneasy. Is being me wrong? That's how I feel sometimes. As though everyone is telling me that I, myself, am wrong. 
2. People. People suck and they get really annoying. It's weird because at the same time, I'm head over heels for people. It's just that sometimes I feel so disconnected from them, from these people. And I watch these people and I just can't fathom them or their lives, and once again, it makes me uneasy. I just feel out of place with people. Either that or I'm jealous of them, and therefore hate them.
3. My body. We're jumping back to things about me, I guess. This one's very concrete. I have always hated the way I look. I hate my nose and want a nose job. I hate my hair so I dyed it, but now I miss being blonde. Now I miss being natural and I dunno.. I want to love who I am naturally. And then I workout so much and work so hard to stay slim and in shape but then sometimes I overeat and I just get fat all over again and I hate myself.
4. Copycats. I don't think it's a form of flattery and it's honestly always bothered me. Especially when the copier doesn't just come out and admit to copying or even admit to "being inspired" or anything. Please just acknowledge it. Please.
5. Being sick or lightheaded. Feeling as though I'm not capable of doing the things I want to do.
6. I really hate being alone.
7. Broken headphones. Music has forever been my constant therapy and savior. Maybe this is why I'm making a list of things I hate. I haven't been able to listen to my iPod in weeks and I'm definitely dying.
8. Opinionless people. When people don't say what they want, I die a little inside. First of all, if I care about you, I value your opinion. I really genuinely want to know what you want. So you not telling me kind of sucks that way. And then like... Not saying what you want, and acting based on what you think will make you "good" or "bad" or whatever. Oh goodness, please. No one really has that right to judge your actions and define you and prescribe those words to you. I'm certainly not God. And I find it to be so much more meaningful if you do whatever you think the "right" thing is, not because you think it's right, but because you WANT to. What do you want?
9. Farting. Ew.
10. Milk.

Things I love:

1. Myself. Or at least I try to. I really do try to see the creativity and passion and zest that other people apparently see. I've been told that people are drawn to my positive aura, and I really do try to see and acknowledge and give myself credit for things like that. Yay self!
2. People. People are just absolutely lovely. Have you ever witnessed someone do a good deed? It's absolutely breathtaking. This whole planet is just full of beautiful specimens, doing beautiful things.
3. My body. I work out on a regular basis and I have the abs to prove it. I'm very proud of my dedication and how far I've come. I love being sore and knowing I worked my body hard. I love getting stronger and more in shape. It makes me proud of myself! And yes, I do want to show it off. I love my body! Or I'm at least starting to love it more and more. One day I'll maybe love my face.
4. Raspberries! These things are legitimately heaven on earth. But for the sake of recent events, I also love blueberries and giggling with you about how they won't spoil our marriage. A perfect moment really. Perfect.
5. Giggling. You make me giggle a lot and giggling always makes me happy. I love that giggling is absolutely contagious and fun; I love that when one giggles, one's worries always disappear. I love the crooked tooth grin of yours and the crows feet you get when you giggle. I even love how much I squint my eyes when I'm in a moment of pure joy. That's what giggling is to me.
6. Falling asleep in your arms. Always. This will always be one of my absolute favorite things ever. I love when you get all cuddly and squeeze me tight. You make me feel safe and wanted and important. 
7. Happy music. It always puts a smile on my face and cheers me up.
8. Learning new languages. I know I complain a lot because I struggle with pronunciation, but I find there to be something so magical about words and different languages. I love learning French and thinking in German and the little bit of Armenian that I know. It's enchanting and exciting and I love it. I want to become multilingual. I want to become advanced proficient in body language... Yum.
9. When we cook dinner together. Even though we've still never been on a real date, I sometimes think I prefer our cooking dates. There's just something so special and intimate about cooking with that silly fella you adore. Really. I adore you.
10. You. 

You. The gestalt you and your lips and everything attached to them. You and your soul and your magnificent body and the unique thoughts that run through your head. Your crazy drawings and the way your eyes sparkle and you always make me laugh and you. All of you. Really, all of you. I can't even go on... Just all of you.

Wanting you.

taken and edited by the ever lovely Sarah Robinson

Unloading the words that are swimming in my mind, under my skin...
I want to go on a date with you. Sometimes I regret agreeing to date you before we went on a date because sometimes I feel as though we will never get the chance to actually go on one. And it makes me sad. I want to get dressed up for you, I have multiple date outfits planned just for you. I want to giggle and be intimate over dinner and have deep conversations and dive into your thoughts. I want to get to know you more and more, over drinks and dessert. I'm curious what you'll order and whether you'll pull out my chair or we'll both lean in to whisper sweet nothings. I want those moments with you.
It doesn't even have to be a dinner date, I'll do anything one on one with you! I'll volunteer with you or cook you dinner or serenade you into the night. I still owe you a homemade pie and I want to make pizza for you or play silly board games or even play truth or dare. I want us to go back to getting to know each other, because even though I know your presence, there' so much more I want to know about you. Let's ask each other a billion questions and really force raw truth and open up. I love when we open up.
I simply want spend more time with you, getting to know and adore you. And I feel bad saying this because you're sick right now and I feel so bad. I just feel so bad. I'm trying my hardest to take care of you, but there's only so much I can do. I just want to make you feel better. I try to rub your back even when my arms get heavy, and cradle your head when you rest on my shoulder. I try to hold your hand when you reach for me and sing to you and comfort you. Because you make me so happy and you really do deserve it. I just want to take care of you.

And I wish we could have gone out to eat for your birthday. I wish I hadn't been sick because I wanted to take you out. I just want to go places with you, I want to camp out under the stars or squeeze your hand in a scary movie theatre. I want to show you off to the world, but even more so... I want to get lost in our own little world. Just me and you.

Just me and you.
xo

 

Thoughts about you.

This morning after my terrible sickness and you comforting me, you were dozing slightly, your blue eyes opening and shutting every once and a while. I loved your groggy face and rubbing your back and making you feel better because, let's face it, we both felt like shit. When you were just beginning to stir, thoughts were running through my mind and their were so many things I wanted to say to you. I just... I get scared sometimes because the act of saying them out loud.... Is me admitting how true they are.
But I planned it all out in my head, this is what I wanted to tell you:
I love you in the least infinite, romanticized, idealized way possible. I simply love you in this moment, I love the essence of you and your existence. I love your tired eyes and crooked smile. The way you laugh with your whole being and your unique way of viewing the word. In this moment, I want nothing more than to crawl into your arms and feel you squeeze me. I love when you wrap your whole body around me and nuzzle my neck and tell me I'm yours. I miss your lips, Jack. I miss cupping your face in my hands and pulling you towards me. I love the way our bodies dance and our words entangle as we taunt each other. You fill my heart with joy and you bring out the best of me. I'm not saying I love you forever, or that I love you the same way a couple getting married does, but that I love you right now, right here, in this exact moment. You're perfect to me as you are and I love existing with you.

But something else has been plaguing my mind a lot recently. Not from the morning, but... In general, and... I'm so scared to say it out loud to you. I don't fit into your life, Sweet Tea. That's what I've realized. I feel so out of place when I'm with your friends. I don't know I just don't fit. I can't even go into in detail here, because I'm terrified. I wish you'd come over right now and get this out of me because I want to pour my heart out to you. I want to tell you this so we can fix it, I'm just so scared. And I feel so insignificant to you. I guess I want you to make an effort to fit me into your life or something. I don't know. I love losing time with you in your room. I love kissing your skin and making you smile. I love cuddling and talking with our bodies. But in some ways I want more. I want to go on a date with you and I want you to show me off to your friends, instead of me just sitting on the couch while you socialize. I get shy. And you always just introduce me by my name, never really bothering to tell people I'm your girlfriend. Which I completely understand. You shouldn't have to tell people we're dating, but... I want to be the girlfriend you adore not just in private. And yes, we cuddle on the couch in front of everyone. There's that, among other things. But I've started to feel disconnected from others. That's exactly it - I feel out of place with your friends and as though I just don't fit into your life. I want to be a part of your whole life.

To state it more positively: I want to be a part of your whole life. I want to get to know you more and more every day, I want to mean something to you. You know? Because you're a part of my life and you mean something to me and I adore you.




And ps - I feel bad saying this stuff because sometimes (most of the time) I feel as though I have no friends. You have your friends and I don't want to take that away from you. You deserve guy time and stuff, I just wish I had friends to spend time with while you hang out with your friends. You know? Fuck. I'm sorry for being so bad at this.