free time

In case any of you have been wondering how college has been going for me, here's a lovely picture of what I've been doing in my free time! I love sitting outside against a tree and reading. I currently have a class in a half hour, so I'm near the Physics building, eating lunch and reading this wonderful book of short stories. It's such a beautiful day. I love the way the sunlight shines through the leaves and makes a pattern on the ground, with sunny splotches and sort of a shadowy maze. It's very inspiring.
School has been going really well for me. I started my classes this week and so far I love them all! My Physics: Light and Color lecture is the most boring, really because it's my biggest class and I just sit and listen (aka doodle). BUT, I started reading the text book (I'm going out of my way to get ahead! Yay!) and it's actually incredibly interesting. Mad props to whomever wrote the textbook because it actually holds my interest! Which is necessary since the only homework I ever get is to read. I've read so much the past week... I finished rereading Fight Club, read a significant amount of The Song of Roland, have read countless philosophy articles, read my Physics textbook, read poems, etc... I love to read, I just hope this doesn't become overkill!

Last night I stayed in and did homework instead of hanging out at my favorite frat. So far, so good, in focusing on me and my school work instead of boys. I just have to, have to, have to keep this up.
xo! Foxy

wide eyed

Last night was another dream. About being in love, about feeling wanted. It was your rough hands stretching my body out, laying me over the couch. It was smooth lips pressed hard against mine, trying so hard to steal my breath. It was the foggy glass and bodies pressed so hard against each other they started to shake. Last time I dreamed about this it was ethereal. It was white walls and covers and the sunlight catching on your skin and your eyes gleaming as we shared glances. This time it was an old, musty room, a comfort in deep drapes of red and plum, a canapé victorian couch, ornamental rugs, lamps just barely glowing. We were clandestine, hiding so close together that I could feel your breath in my ear as your fingers jittered across my body to my lips. "Shh.." We were a secret tucked away, as you rolled me over and kissed my hips. One. Two. Kissed my lips. I couldn't help but smile and curl my toes. My fingers dug into the crimson fabric and my back arched and there we were, entangled. Last night was another dream. About being the first choice, about feeling special, about knowing I was worth it. This morning was another nightmare. Waking up in bed alone, my back arching from pain and not pleasure. The morning sun shining dully because you're not here.

Last night was just another reminder that you will never be mine.

flashback humour

A dimly lit hall, three other people and I, and I, and I, and you. You behind a closed door, you with another, hiding behind a closed door. A knock. It wasn't me that knocked but I encouraged the knock because I am jealous and scheming, because I am on the other side of this door, this locked door. And you're on your side and I'm on my side and there's a knock and no reply. We all know what's happening, thus another knock is called for. A knock, a knock, a knock. A question. Are you doing business in there? Why yes, yes you are. You're too busy and she's too busy and the door stays closed. Of course. The door stays closed and I stay on the other side and there you two are together, separate from the world. Flashback humour, I remember what it was like on your side of the door. Hearing the knock, quieting down, pretending we weren't there. Only neither of us was needed when you and I were tucked away tight behind the door. Unlike last night when she was needed to take care of her friend. Her friend. Her tiny, fragile, gossamer, light boned friend. The one she left throwing up in a bucket, to go enjoy a night with you. Behind your door. Flashback, when it was just us, people knocked and we giggled and hushed and there was no need for another knock. I may have encouraged the continuous knocking last night and it may have been because I'm jealous and scheming that I encouraged it, but it was still with good reason. If I had to push away the lump in my throat to tell the girl you were with that she had to take care of her friend, then I would have. But I never got the chance to even let my bitchiness show. My scheming, it all fell apart. You were on the other side of the door and it all fell apart.
From what I was told, you could hear her through the walls. I didn't even have to be on the other side of the door. Everything I needed to know was echoing through the walls.

I apologize that I keep sounding insane in my posts. I have a lot running through my mind right now. I'll write a real post soon with pictures of my dorm room and such. Hope everyone is having a nice day!

where is my mind

if I knew Buddha, if I knew Siddhartha, if he knew me and I knew him and he was at his point of enlightenment, if he had journeyed through his lifetimes and found his calm, cool center, he would look at me and he would be disappointed. i am attached to my mind. my mind is my greatest issue. i overthink. i am overaware. can one be too aware? yes. i am lost in my own thoughts. i am to well aware of my actions and the reasons behind my actions and the place my actions put me in, where i stand in the eyes of others. i am wide eyed in ways that no one wants to be. my curse is that i know i am the same as everyone else, yet i so badly want to be my own snowflake. i am a child of existential angst and bad parenting. a child of passion, but where does my passion get me? it gets me lost. i am barefoot and blind, my pale skin reflecting a thousand moons seen by a thousand eyes. i am your eyes, i am my mind, i am the way your lips curl when you're thinking about things you shouldn't be. forbidden hopes and dreams, i know what you want, what everyone wants. we are all simple animals. you want your basic necessities: food and sex. what is the point of passion if we're really only here to create and create and create. our only contribution to the world is fucking to the point of creation. all we are is nothing. time is irrelevant. if the earth ended today, no one would ever know i existed.
that's the beauty in existence. you have nothing and everything.
it's only after we lose everything that we are able to do anything.

more late night rambling......

I guess I sort of regret this. Because I'm a jealous person. I'm a jealous person and I needed more of a fresh start. More of a fresh start than this. This is nothing I want to be, nowhere I want to see, and I am so far from home. I'm a jealous person and I'm jealous of you. Of her. I'm jealous of her, I'm always jealous of her. I have too many careless high expectations. I should know that expectations are absolute shit and to be left alone. I am not to expect, so why am I allowing myself to? I expected too much coming here. What was I expecting to find in this maze? I think I chose the wrong place and I'm worried. Where am I going? What am I doing with my life?  Maybe I'm not pushing myself, not challenging myself enough. I need tabula rasa, I need a new start. I need my mind wiped clean. I need to be unaware, dropped right into life, stuck right in the middle of everything, and ignorant. I want to be so beyond ignorant. I'd rather be ignorant and a slut and not even know it. Why do I make myself hard to get? What do I get out of it? A lack of physical pleasure and the knowledge that I'm not worth the battle. I think the girls that are hard to get are the ones that are worth it, yet here I am, a ghost sinking through the world, falling through my own bed. Where were you when I needed to know how to feel real? Sometimes I delete things to try and pretend that my life is in order, but really I've been knocked senseless, probably by myself. I am the hopeless romantic, trying too hard to put my mind in its place. I need to be hit hard, I want you to hit me as hard as you can. Is this what it feels like to be high? Is this how Virginia Woolf felt? Stringing words along together, a train headed nowhere at such high speeds it cracks the sky. I'm wondering what I'm doing with my life. I don't know if I've found my place here. I'm starting to doubt I'll ever find a place. Maybe I was just born into the wrong world. Maybe it's not this life, but the next.
Maybe I was meant to be a fox.

late night rambling.

I really want to talk to someone right now. I want to write and write and write to them, word for word, everything that is buzzing around my head right now. I want to close my eyes and be an egg that you catch. Gently tucked away and rocked by the wind. Although I feel so stupid all the time. So I want to close my eyes and wish it all away. My head is a traffic jam, and bicyclist flying down the high streets of San Francisco, becoming one big blur of colors and a lack of words. I am the person behind your eyes, the one who takes in all you see. I am the burden to your mind, care to listen to me? I close my eyes a lot when I write to try and block these thoughts from entering my own head. There's an enter at your own risk sign hanging out front, but I can't help my curiousity. I keep squinting my eyes, hoping to blur the bicyclist into you, but my head is beginning to hurt. My arms are no longer attached to my body. A frame within a frame within a frame. Everything is a copy of a copy. And my experiences are none the less. These things always happen to me and I should have learned better by now but I'm a copy of a copy of a copy's copy. I am the girl you see or saw or thought you saw and my lips are peeling from all the attention.I keep biting them but there is no real result. I am still a wanderer, a prisoner of this labyrinth, the tall walls and twisting corners. With every step I find myself deeper and deeper. Will I ever make it out? What's the point of being in this labyrinth if it's just one big journey? What is the point of life if there's no finish line?

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2012. 12:42. On the airplane.

Currently listening to: One Foot - fun.

I always feel so exhilarated when I’m on the airplane to Denver. My heart thumps in my chest along with the rhythm of my music and I close my eyes and smile.

Euphoria.

I take a deep breath and can feel in cascade through my body, a breath of fresh air, my blood happily running through my veins.

--

I’ve heard people make this observation a thousand times, but I feel the need to repeat it. That day-to-day we hardly notice a difference in our lives, but when we look back everything has changed. In some ways, this phenomenon can make it hard to see the affect we’ve had. I know I’m always trying to change my life, but sometimes I’m unable to see where my efforts are getting me. On the airplane, however, I realized something and I cannot help that it’s made me beam. I used to have the terrible habit of biting and picking my nails... The extent of which I did this was absolutely insane. My nails used to be painfully short, shorter than my fingers, and it was hideous. I was always so ashamed of my habit. I mean, it’s just plain gross. It’s a disgusting habit. But here I am, on the airplane, with beautifully long, healthy nails. It took me years to stop the bad habit. I started when I was very young because I saw my uncle doing it. I probably attacked my nails like that for at least 10 years. Holy shit. Yet now I can look down and smile. I worked so hard to stop, I relapsed multiple times and gave in and picked them and sometimes I still get the urge. But even so, I really feel like I can do it now. Hell, I know I can. I can overcome my worst habits.

Knowing this makes me feel... Sort of vindicated. I feel sort of liberated and free from my bad habits. I have this other bad habit that I’m always trying to stop. I have a few: biting my lip, touching my face, etc. I have always felt a little hopeless in my many endeavors to stop my bad habits. It’s only now that I realize I’m so capable of doing anything I set my heart to. I stopped biting my nails, it’s like I’m superwoman now! I can do anything! I believe in myself!

--

Today is a good day, a positive day, and I’m headed to the beautiful Boulder, Colorado. By the time I post this, I will most likely be in Colorado. Breathing in that fresh Colorado air and feeling that same energy within my soul. I’m going to college. I’m moving forward in my life. I’m going to do big things. I’m going to do so many big things.

Bisous!

xo, Foxy

So this is what it feels like. Heart caught in my throat, each word I spit out more honest and raw than the last. My elbows ache as they're glued to my sides, some sort of armor that isn't actually working because you're still here and you're still getting to me and I still can't seem to speak in any way that would protect me. I'm still an open target, frozen in place as you swiftly shoot poison darts in my direction, never allowing me to drop dead. Instead I experience never ending torture, falling asleep to see you in my dreams and waking to find that you are nowhere near. Is this what love feels like? I don't believe it. My toes curl in my shoes and this time I feel the aching in my knees. A desire to run, run away, run far away.
From you.
I want so badly to close my eyes and forget about all of this, to erase you from my memory, but it's you I see when my eyelids slam shut in attempt to block you out. If I were to sew them together, would you finally disappear from my vision? I can’t rid myself of you. It's your deep brown eyes, your musky scent, your maroon aura. It's the way your tough, calloused hands grab me. Is this what it feels like to be safe? It cannot be. Because while you may physically protect me, it's my heart I have to be careful about. When I'm with you, my heart isn’t safe. I still feel like you're robbing me. I am a bird whose bones are no longer hollow. I am the wide-eyed man who can no longer see. I am dependent on you to open my eyes but you’re not here.
I can't see.
Is this what it feels like to be blind? I just feel. I feel you and hear you and breathe you in but whenever I open my eyes you're gone. I'm blind to you. You're not here. This is what it's like.

I swallow and count to three and swallow again and this time count to five, to ten, to twenty five, and one hundred. I just keep counting, counting the stars and my wishes and the ways you've let me down, though I'd never admit it. I just keep counting but you're nowhere to be found.
Is this what it feels like to be lost? I want you to pry my eyes open, climb over all the walls I’ve put up, I want you to endure this twisted forest I’ve locked myself in. I want you to exert yourself, to search for me as I am always searching for you. I want you to find me. I want to be found.

This Foxy Gal's Goals For The Year

Those of you who have read my first post are aware that this summer hasn't been my best. I've spent the hot and humid days stumbling between alone and lonely: a very fine line and a very big difference. But what you may not know is that... My senior year of high school was very much the same. While I made very strong relationships with my new teachers, a few  specific friends, and family members; I just didn't feel... At home. I don't know how to explain the feeling exactly. It was like it was planted in the pit of my stomach and as time when on, I felt more and more that I needed somewhere new. To me, uni in Colorado is the chance I've been waiting for. It's finally my chance to find where I genuinely fit in.
With this new life comes many new hopes and dreams. I'm trying more and more to stop thinking about the things I want, as I did over the past year, and instead go after them! So here is a list of my goals, to get me started on my path to me...

1. Be healthier!

I've felt this way for a very long time. I'm always trying to eat healthier foods and in better proportions, to stay in shape, and spend time outdoors. I think in Colorado I'll really get the chance to take control and do this. I've gained a bit of weight this summer that may not be noticeable to most people, but it has affected how I feel about myself. Because of this, I want a me that I can physically be proud of. I want to be able to wear crop tops and short skirts and be proud! So that's what I'm going to do. I plan on eating mostly organic food, with small meals and snacks in between, and I'm going to try to cut back on late night snacks (if I have any, it'll be fruit, veggies, or nuts). As for fitness, I want to do cardio a few times a week (whether in the gym or running around campus), I have a longboard that I plan on using to get to class, I also want to do ab and strength workouts!  I love staying in shape and being healthier, so this will be fun for me.

2. Get Organized!

I'm not sure if this will come as a surprise to many of you, but I'm not the most organized person... In fact, my mind tends to be all over the place when my stuff is, which means that organization is key to me being able to sleep at night. My dear friend Caelan recently wrote a blog post on her survival tips for school (here!) and one of them mentioned that her planner is her bible. This inspired me and I'm now on the lookout for the perfect planner! I want to organize my life because I know it'll have such a positive affect on how I view the world. I want to be able to keep my dorm room clean, so I have space to study and create!

3. Focus on learning!

If you haven't talked to me about what classes I'm taking, you probably haven't heard how ecstatic I am to be taking them. I want to be the girl who wakes up early and strolls to class with a cup of hot tea in her hand! I want to sit in the front row and get to know my teachers and pour my heart and soul into my schoolwork. I chose classes I knew I'd love, and they're really worth being passionate about. I want to learn so many new things this year, to really expand my mind and take in the world. Bill Nye the Science Guy once said "Everyone you will ever meet knows something you don't," and it's so true! I want to learn not just inside the classroom, but outside too! I just can't wait to get out there and do these things! Here's my schedule...                                                 

4. Write letters to the people that inspire me!

This is one of my favorite goals, partially because it give me so much joy, but also because I already started it! I have a list of people I want to write to that already has three names crossed off the list, two of which I've gotten responses from! The ones I have yet to write to are a bit harder for me to write, some focus on my possible future in screenplay writing (how do I start a letter to my favorite directors?) and some others are much more emotional. Either way, I really love telling people how they've affected my life, even if I've never met them. I believe that everyone deserves to know that they are appreciated!

5. Read more!

This one is sort of a given, but I really want to read more. I didn't read as much as I wanted to this summer, so I'm forcing myself to devot some more time to reading. I have a list of books on Buddhism that have been calling my name the whole summer, and I wouldn't be surprised if I pried them open on the plane before I even reach Colorado! Reading is such an important part of my life and I'm always, always, ALWAYS trying to read more. I think it has had a very positive affect on who I am as a person, plus it makes me happy.

6. Travel!!!

Traveling is a little harder because I'm going to college, and who gets the time to travel while they're a student? But I've always wanted to study abroad, and this year I want to start planning my studying overseas! If possible, I'd love to study Shakespeare in England, Existentialism in France, and Buddhism in like... Thailand or somewhere. I want to experience the world! I love to learn, but there's only so much you can learn when you're in your comfort zone. I want to experience new things and take risks and go places! Which is why number 7 is...

7. Take risks!

(I explained above)

8. Treat myself!

I've never been big on treating myself, But I love fashion... I spend hours drooling over clothes I'm dying to have. I've saved up a lot of money from babysitting, working at a summer camp, and presents, and I feel like it's finally time I go ahead and treat myself. I have wishlists on so many sites that I'm dying to fulfill! Plus, I'd really like to buy myself a nice camera. I'm still debating between film and digital, there's just something so ethereal about film which I love. Maybe I'll ask for a camera for Christmas (I already know what I'm asking my grandparents for...) or maybe it'll be my Christmas present to myself! I used to deny presents, but I've come to realize that everyone deserves to give and receive! They're both lovely experiences.

9. Go to bed earlier!

Okay, so it's currently 10:37 PM here on the east coast. My mom is supposed to get home from work at around 11:30, but I'm actually hoping I'll be in bed before than! Sleep is so essential to everything. It'll affect everything I've already listed, from my eating habits to my studying habits to my general outlook on life. My goal is to be able to go to bed and wake up earlier, and really live each day fully. I also want to start meditating!

10. Live each day to the fullest.

Don't get caught up in the past or future, but really live for today and live for myself, no one else.

--

I'll probably be adding to this list later on, but I think ten is a good number for now. I guess if anything, bonus number 11 would be to love myself more, but I think that goes hand in hand with everything above. My goals really reflect my ultimate goal to treat my mind, body, and spirit better.

Bisous,
Foxy!

“Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald

For me, the fall starts Wednesday, when I head off, leaving my quaint New Jersey town behind for an exciting adventure and new experience in the beautiful Boulder, Colorado. Which happens to be almost 2000 miles from my home and across the country from every single one of my relatives. I really am taking a leap into the unknown.
I just took a very deep breath. I'm not worried about college the way many people I know are. I know I'll be able to make friends and learn new things and have fun. I know I'll fit right in at CU, because I chose a college that fits me. I'm excited for my classes (specifically Creative Writing and Philosophy/SciFi!), I'm excited to not know people for once, I'm excited to move into my dorm room and be away from my family and friends and to be in a new environment where I can really truly become myself. But that's what I'm worried about.
I've spent so much of this summer depressed. I got really wrapped up in this blanket of security that I made myself, and in doing so lost sight of reality. I made this perfect little world up in my head and I kept myself from experiencing life because nothing was as perfect as what I dreamed. I guess... I'm so aware that I need to figure myself out again. I need to start fresh, one breath at a time, and realize who I am. I have to learn to accept myself all over again, because this past summer I really started to hate everything about myself. This has to happen. I have to break out of this depression and start living life for me.
For the record, you can call me "Foxy." It's a nickname I picked up due to my love of all things Foxes. One of the most important factors of this blog is my ability to remain anonymous. While I may give it out to people I care about, I would like to be able to write freely and without judgement on here. You can expect a lot of... Me in a very raw, personal form.

So that's what this blog is to document. Me on my journey of life, love, and college. My adventure to discover myself, after all, I am a flâneur.