I guess I sort of regret this. Because I'm a jealous person. I'm a jealous person and I needed more of a fresh start. More of a fresh start than this. This is nothing I want to be, nowhere I want to see, and I am so far from home. I'm a jealous person and I'm jealous of you. Of her. I'm jealous of her, I'm always jealous of her. I have too many careless high expectations. I should know that expectations are absolute shit and to be left alone. I am not to expect, so why am I allowing myself to? I expected too much coming here. What was I expecting to find in this maze? I think I chose the wrong place and I'm worried. Where am I going? What am I doing with my life? Maybe I'm not pushing myself, not challenging myself enough. I need tabula rasa, I need a new start. I need my mind wiped clean. I need to be unaware, dropped right into life, stuck right in the middle of everything, and ignorant. I want to be so beyond ignorant. I'd rather be ignorant and a slut and not even know it. Why do I make myself hard to get? What do I get out of it? A lack of physical pleasure and the knowledge that I'm not worth the battle. I think the girls that are hard to get are the ones that are worth it, yet here I am, a ghost sinking through the world, falling through my own bed. Where were you when I needed to know how to feel real? Sometimes I delete things to try and pretend that my life is in order, but really I've been knocked senseless, probably by myself. I am the hopeless romantic, trying too hard to put my mind in its place. I need to be hit hard, I want you to hit me as hard as you can. Is this what it feels like to be high? Is this how Virginia Woolf felt? Stringing words along together, a train headed nowhere at such high speeds it cracks the sky. I'm wondering what I'm doing with my life. I don't know if I've found my place here. I'm starting to doubt I'll ever find a place. Maybe I was just born into the wrong world. Maybe it's not this life, but the next.
Maybe I was meant to be a fox.
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