So this is what it feels like. Heart caught in my throat, each word I spit out more honest and raw than the last. My elbows ache as they're glued to my sides, some sort of armor that isn't actually working because you're still here and you're still getting to me and I still can't seem to speak in any way that would protect me. I'm still an open target, frozen in place as you swiftly shoot poison darts in my direction, never allowing me to drop dead. Instead I experience never ending torture, falling asleep to see you in my dreams and waking to find that you are nowhere near. Is this what love feels like? I don't believe it. My toes curl in my shoes and this time I feel the aching in my knees. A desire to run, run away, run far away.
From you.
I want so badly to close my eyes and forget about all of this, to erase you from my memory, but it's you I see when my eyelids slam shut in attempt to block you out. If I were to sew them together, would you finally disappear from my vision? I can’t rid myself of you. It's your deep brown eyes, your musky scent, your maroon aura. It's the way your tough, calloused hands grab me. Is this what it feels like to be safe? It cannot be. Because while you may physically protect me, it's my heart I have to be careful about. When I'm with you, my heart isn’t safe. I still feel like you're robbing me. I am a bird whose bones are no longer hollow. I am the wide-eyed man who can no longer see. I am dependent on you to open my eyes but you’re not here.
I can't see.
Is this what it feels like to be blind? I just feel. I feel you and hear you and breathe you in but whenever I open my eyes you're gone. I'm blind to you. You're not here. This is what it's like.

I swallow and count to three and swallow again and this time count to five, to ten, to twenty five, and one hundred. I just keep counting, counting the stars and my wishes and the ways you've let me down, though I'd never admit it. I just keep counting but you're nowhere to be found.
Is this what it feels like to be lost? I want you to pry my eyes open, climb over all the walls I’ve put up, I want you to endure this twisted forest I’ve locked myself in. I want you to exert yourself, to search for me as I am always searching for you. I want you to find me. I want to be found.