Crying

I don't care if you're "not going to be fun to be around," I don't care if you're going to be asleep while I do homework, or playing video games while I curl up and nap. That's all so insignificant to me. What matters to me is spending time with you. Especially since I'm realizing more and more just how little time we have together because I won't be seeing you this summer. I so badly want to talk to you about it because it's weighing on my shoulders but it makes me upset so I don't want to bring it up. Sometimes I feel like I never see you. I know that if I wasn't always the person reaching out and wanting to see you, I wouldn't. You never reach out to me. You never call me or text me first. I'm always the person asking if we'll be sleeping together at night. Sometimes I feel as though my presence is so insignificant to you.
Why don't you care about me?

All I want is your presence. Being with you makes me happy always. You make me feel safe. But sometimes I feel as though you don't want to be around me. Not even. At least if you didn't want me to be around, you'd care to some extent. But I feel insignificant to you. And your indifference breaks my heart. I hate how worthless you sometimes make me feel.

I wish you'd just initiate something. I wish you'd reach out and ask me to come over or something. I miss you. And it sometimes feels as though you don't miss me. You say you do, but none of your actions prove it. Will you ever follow through and prove to me that you're thinking of me when I'm not around? I dunno.

You often do. Not often, but sometimes. You sometimes prove it to me. And that's what makes it so hard. I put so much trust in you and you only reinforce it when it's starting to waver. I don't know if this makes sense but I'm so sick of always being alone.


That's why I was crying last night. Because all I can think about is how alone I'll be this summer. I'll be somewhere I've never lived before with no one but my Aunt. And I love her, but I'm going to have no friends. Most of the time I don't even feel like I have friends now. I just want some friends. I just want some place to call home. Why do you think I have to go to a whole new state this summer? I honestly don't have any idea where my home is. That's why I cry. Because I am so lost and so alone. Because I am so close to finding somewhere that I feel safe and happy and it already has a possible end date. Is there nothing to look forward to in the future? You say you see our future together but what future. A future till the end of the school year? Will we even make it through the summer? I'm so scared. I'm so terrified.
I don't want to be alone.

Love.

I've cried far too many times this week and I hate being alone. I hate how often I feel alone. I hate sleeping alone and spending nights alone. I always try to be there for the people I care about, but they hardly seem to be there to me. All I want is to be chosen. I don't want to have to ask for you to pick me. I don't want to have to ask you to like me or want to hang out with me. I don't feel comfortable inviting myself places that I'm not asked. I wish you'd just tell me you like me and you want to hang out. How come you never call me first? Why is it that I always find myself alone while everyone else is out. No one ever invites me anywhere. The people who call me their best friend only say it because I treat them well. Because I would do anything to make someone else happy. I would do more than anyone could imagine to make a person I love just a little bit happier for a few seconds. It honestly matters to me that much. Your happiness matters to me that much. I only wish my happiness mattered too. I only wish I wasn't crying every time I ended up alone in a room. I only wish I wasn't waiting for someone to show up and kiss me.

Do you ever just look at someone and think "wow, I really love you"? They're just talking or watching a movie, maybe laughing or sleeping or something, and there's a special little spark in them. Their body is alive and there's light in there eyes and something causes the world to stop because you realize you love them. I just really love you.

And happiness always seems so close but so far away. But I keep managing to make myself smile. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe happiness really is that close. Because even though I cried after you left me last night, I fell asleep with a smile on my face. And even though I was just crying a half hour ago, I'm smiling right now. Because this world is such a beautiful place to get lost in. Everything about it is so unique and magnificent and I love you.

Sometimes I recall all the little things. Our first kiss. The purple Christmas lights and you offering me your plaid shirt. Meeting you when you had a mustache. Those first few text messages, joking about what our porn names would be. Giggling over shared blueberries. You always coming immediately to my room to hang out. The first time you did I fell asleep and you slept over and I wanted so badly for you to reach over and wrap your arms around me. The way you kissed my shoulder blades in the morning. You buying me a new copy of my favorite book because someone stole it. And holding me when I finally cried about my parents' divorce. You longboarded to come see me at 3 am because you knew I was upset. And then you held me till it was past 5 and the sun was beginning to come up. Yes, I miss you when you're gone but you still always make me happy.
I'm still going to bed with a smile on my face. And maybe it's not you making me happy, maybe it's me. Maybe I need to give myself more credit... One day. Until then, I'll be dreaming of your lips, always.

You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn’t get any better than this.

-Anonymous

I miss your lips, and everything attached to them. xo.

10 things I hate/love.

Things I hate:

1. Myself. And I don't mean this in the worst way, I'm just in a bit of a negative mood. But I always feel like I haven't accomplished anything or I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm not doing enough. I get lectured a LOT on what I should or shouldn't do and it makes me very uneasy. Is being me wrong? That's how I feel sometimes. As though everyone is telling me that I, myself, am wrong. 
2. People. People suck and they get really annoying. It's weird because at the same time, I'm head over heels for people. It's just that sometimes I feel so disconnected from them, from these people. And I watch these people and I just can't fathom them or their lives, and once again, it makes me uneasy. I just feel out of place with people. Either that or I'm jealous of them, and therefore hate them.
3. My body. We're jumping back to things about me, I guess. This one's very concrete. I have always hated the way I look. I hate my nose and want a nose job. I hate my hair so I dyed it, but now I miss being blonde. Now I miss being natural and I dunno.. I want to love who I am naturally. And then I workout so much and work so hard to stay slim and in shape but then sometimes I overeat and I just get fat all over again and I hate myself.
4. Copycats. I don't think it's a form of flattery and it's honestly always bothered me. Especially when the copier doesn't just come out and admit to copying or even admit to "being inspired" or anything. Please just acknowledge it. Please.
5. Being sick or lightheaded. Feeling as though I'm not capable of doing the things I want to do.
6. I really hate being alone.
7. Broken headphones. Music has forever been my constant therapy and savior. Maybe this is why I'm making a list of things I hate. I haven't been able to listen to my iPod in weeks and I'm definitely dying.
8. Opinionless people. When people don't say what they want, I die a little inside. First of all, if I care about you, I value your opinion. I really genuinely want to know what you want. So you not telling me kind of sucks that way. And then like... Not saying what you want, and acting based on what you think will make you "good" or "bad" or whatever. Oh goodness, please. No one really has that right to judge your actions and define you and prescribe those words to you. I'm certainly not God. And I find it to be so much more meaningful if you do whatever you think the "right" thing is, not because you think it's right, but because you WANT to. What do you want?
9. Farting. Ew.
10. Milk.

Things I love:

1. Myself. Or at least I try to. I really do try to see the creativity and passion and zest that other people apparently see. I've been told that people are drawn to my positive aura, and I really do try to see and acknowledge and give myself credit for things like that. Yay self!
2. People. People are just absolutely lovely. Have you ever witnessed someone do a good deed? It's absolutely breathtaking. This whole planet is just full of beautiful specimens, doing beautiful things.
3. My body. I work out on a regular basis and I have the abs to prove it. I'm very proud of my dedication and how far I've come. I love being sore and knowing I worked my body hard. I love getting stronger and more in shape. It makes me proud of myself! And yes, I do want to show it off. I love my body! Or I'm at least starting to love it more and more. One day I'll maybe love my face.
4. Raspberries! These things are legitimately heaven on earth. But for the sake of recent events, I also love blueberries and giggling with you about how they won't spoil our marriage. A perfect moment really. Perfect.
5. Giggling. You make me giggle a lot and giggling always makes me happy. I love that giggling is absolutely contagious and fun; I love that when one giggles, one's worries always disappear. I love the crooked tooth grin of yours and the crows feet you get when you giggle. I even love how much I squint my eyes when I'm in a moment of pure joy. That's what giggling is to me.
6. Falling asleep in your arms. Always. This will always be one of my absolute favorite things ever. I love when you get all cuddly and squeeze me tight. You make me feel safe and wanted and important. 
7. Happy music. It always puts a smile on my face and cheers me up.
8. Learning new languages. I know I complain a lot because I struggle with pronunciation, but I find there to be something so magical about words and different languages. I love learning French and thinking in German and the little bit of Armenian that I know. It's enchanting and exciting and I love it. I want to become multilingual. I want to become advanced proficient in body language... Yum.
9. When we cook dinner together. Even though we've still never been on a real date, I sometimes think I prefer our cooking dates. There's just something so special and intimate about cooking with that silly fella you adore. Really. I adore you.
10. You. 

You. The gestalt you and your lips and everything attached to them. You and your soul and your magnificent body and the unique thoughts that run through your head. Your crazy drawings and the way your eyes sparkle and you always make me laugh and you. All of you. Really, all of you. I can't even go on... Just all of you.