Crying

I don't care if you're "not going to be fun to be around," I don't care if you're going to be asleep while I do homework, or playing video games while I curl up and nap. That's all so insignificant to me. What matters to me is spending time with you. Especially since I'm realizing more and more just how little time we have together because I won't be seeing you this summer. I so badly want to talk to you about it because it's weighing on my shoulders but it makes me upset so I don't want to bring it up. Sometimes I feel like I never see you. I know that if I wasn't always the person reaching out and wanting to see you, I wouldn't. You never reach out to me. You never call me or text me first. I'm always the person asking if we'll be sleeping together at night. Sometimes I feel as though my presence is so insignificant to you.
Why don't you care about me?

All I want is your presence. Being with you makes me happy always. You make me feel safe. But sometimes I feel as though you don't want to be around me. Not even. At least if you didn't want me to be around, you'd care to some extent. But I feel insignificant to you. And your indifference breaks my heart. I hate how worthless you sometimes make me feel.

I wish you'd just initiate something. I wish you'd reach out and ask me to come over or something. I miss you. And it sometimes feels as though you don't miss me. You say you do, but none of your actions prove it. Will you ever follow through and prove to me that you're thinking of me when I'm not around? I dunno.

You often do. Not often, but sometimes. You sometimes prove it to me. And that's what makes it so hard. I put so much trust in you and you only reinforce it when it's starting to waver. I don't know if this makes sense but I'm so sick of always being alone.


That's why I was crying last night. Because all I can think about is how alone I'll be this summer. I'll be somewhere I've never lived before with no one but my Aunt. And I love her, but I'm going to have no friends. Most of the time I don't even feel like I have friends now. I just want some friends. I just want some place to call home. Why do you think I have to go to a whole new state this summer? I honestly don't have any idea where my home is. That's why I cry. Because I am so lost and so alone. Because I am so close to finding somewhere that I feel safe and happy and it already has a possible end date. Is there nothing to look forward to in the future? You say you see our future together but what future. A future till the end of the school year? Will we even make it through the summer? I'm so scared. I'm so terrified.
I don't want to be alone.