Love.

I've cried far too many times this week and I hate being alone. I hate how often I feel alone. I hate sleeping alone and spending nights alone. I always try to be there for the people I care about, but they hardly seem to be there to me. All I want is to be chosen. I don't want to have to ask for you to pick me. I don't want to have to ask you to like me or want to hang out with me. I don't feel comfortable inviting myself places that I'm not asked. I wish you'd just tell me you like me and you want to hang out. How come you never call me first? Why is it that I always find myself alone while everyone else is out. No one ever invites me anywhere. The people who call me their best friend only say it because I treat them well. Because I would do anything to make someone else happy. I would do more than anyone could imagine to make a person I love just a little bit happier for a few seconds. It honestly matters to me that much. Your happiness matters to me that much. I only wish my happiness mattered too. I only wish I wasn't crying every time I ended up alone in a room. I only wish I wasn't waiting for someone to show up and kiss me.

Do you ever just look at someone and think "wow, I really love you"? They're just talking or watching a movie, maybe laughing or sleeping or something, and there's a special little spark in them. Their body is alive and there's light in there eyes and something causes the world to stop because you realize you love them. I just really love you.

And happiness always seems so close but so far away. But I keep managing to make myself smile. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe happiness really is that close. Because even though I cried after you left me last night, I fell asleep with a smile on my face. And even though I was just crying a half hour ago, I'm smiling right now. Because this world is such a beautiful place to get lost in. Everything about it is so unique and magnificent and I love you.

Sometimes I recall all the little things. Our first kiss. The purple Christmas lights and you offering me your plaid shirt. Meeting you when you had a mustache. Those first few text messages, joking about what our porn names would be. Giggling over shared blueberries. You always coming immediately to my room to hang out. The first time you did I fell asleep and you slept over and I wanted so badly for you to reach over and wrap your arms around me. The way you kissed my shoulder blades in the morning. You buying me a new copy of my favorite book because someone stole it. And holding me when I finally cried about my parents' divorce. You longboarded to come see me at 3 am because you knew I was upset. And then you held me till it was past 5 and the sun was beginning to come up. Yes, I miss you when you're gone but you still always make me happy.
I'm still going to bed with a smile on my face. And maybe it's not you making me happy, maybe it's me. Maybe I need to give myself more credit... One day. Until then, I'll be dreaming of your lips, always.

You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn’t get any better than this.

-Anonymous

I miss your lips, and everything attached to them. xo.