(I still miss having friends though... I'm really trying to make some. I've been reaching out to people and trying to make plans with them. Maybe some day soon it will actually work.)
Saturday, March 16, 2013
I will not be delicate.
I miss having friends. I miss being loved platonically. I miss not having a care in the world. Why am I stressed and alone so often? Is some great power trying to break me? I will not be delicate.
(I still miss having friends though... I'm really trying to make some. I've been reaching out to people and trying to make plans with them. Maybe some day soon it will actually work.)
(I still miss having friends though... I'm really trying to make some. I've been reaching out to people and trying to make plans with them. Maybe some day soon it will actually work.)
How to be a Considerate Human Being
The world can be such a bizarre place. It's humourous to me because people are always complimenting me and saying that I'm a phenomenal person, yet I just feel as though I'm being a considerate human being.
For example, as a college student, I have witnessed many a black-out drunk or beyond high person. Although I, myself, have never been there, I realize that if I were in the situation, I would want another person to take care of me so that I don't fall out of a window or something.
Two nights in a row now, I have offered a helping hand to those under the collegiate weekend ailment.
Last night, I fed a black-out drunk girl (who was a total stranger to me) thin mints, water, and kept her consciously thinking and talking to me. I asked her questions about her major and tried to find her friends to take her home. Once her stomach settled and her friends were still nowhere to be found, I helped put her to bed in a safe way, making sure she was on her side and such.
And then tonight, while staying in studying (yes, I'm studying on a Friday night), I made two trips to the bathroom. On the first, I noticed a seemingly drunk girl guzzling from the sink, washed my hands, and went on my merry way, making a mental note to check on her in fifteen minutes or so. Well I did check on her, I had drank a lot of water myself and my bladder couldn't handle it. So I went back to the bathroom, this time finding the girl on the floor, under the sink. I was immediately worried. Although the girl lives in the same hallway as me, I am not close to anyone other than my roommate. We find the girls in our hall a tad bit too superficial for our liking and thus try to keep our distance. Still, I could not leave someone stranded on the floor in a state of mind I could only describe is "goop." I started talking to the girl, offering her the little food I have in my room (celery - but hey, it's water based, so it'd be good for her!), asking if she was okay and if there was anything I could do for her. Although she turned down my celery, she thanked me more times than I can count and even said I love you. After I peed, I talked to her again to make sure she was okay. She wished me luck on my studying, and I'm back in bed. Clearly a superhero (sarcasm). To be honest, I'll probably check on her again in a bit. I need to brush my teeth and wash my face anyway, so it's not a hassle to me.
In my opinion, any person should do this. It takes two seconds to ask someone "Are you okay?" and it's more than worth it, it's just being considerate. I'm not saying you have to do what I do and feed them or put them to bed, but you should at least try to reach out to someone.
So how do you be a considerate human being? By doing something nice for someone else, especially when it only takes a few minutes of your time. Such as holding a door open or asking them if they're okay.
I don't really know what I'm getting at. My Spring Break starts in a week (after a week of three exams, four tests, a giant final project, etc, etc...) and I'm supposed to be going on a service trip to volunteer as a camp counselor. I've been spending so much time studying (and helping people who are under the influence) that I haven't had any time for me. I guess I realized that the service trip is an added stress, when I really need to take a break. On top of that, there's a lot of studying that I would probably benefit from doing that week. My father has made it clear to me that he wants me to back out of the trip and focus on my school work... But does that make me a terrible person? The more I think about it, the more I think I should go on the trip. I feel obligated, yes, but I also feel like maybe spending a week helping little kids may brighten my day and relieve a bit of my stress. Maybe. I emailed the people in charge explaining my predicament and asking for advice or information that might help me to make my decision, but have yet to get a response. I also have yet to pay the second deposit because no one has given me any information on it, which is honestly stressing me out even more. I have so much that I feel as though I have to do, and all I want is to fall asleep in my boyfriend's arms.
To be a considerate human being, do I also have to be considerate to my own personal well-being? But if I drop out of a service trip, am I a bad person? Am I letting my peers down? To be a considerate human being, do I have to be considerate of them or me first?
And what really is best for me? I miss my friends. I miss relaxing. I feel so cooped up spending hours in my room studying. What did I do for myself today? I ordered my mom a book as a present. That's the kind of thing that makes me happy, making others happy. So maybe I should go on the trip and make others happy. Wouldn't that just make me happy and relieve my stress?
Maybe.
I hope so.
For example, as a college student, I have witnessed many a black-out drunk or beyond high person. Although I, myself, have never been there, I realize that if I were in the situation, I would want another person to take care of me so that I don't fall out of a window or something.
Two nights in a row now, I have offered a helping hand to those under the collegiate weekend ailment.
Last night, I fed a black-out drunk girl (who was a total stranger to me) thin mints, water, and kept her consciously thinking and talking to me. I asked her questions about her major and tried to find her friends to take her home. Once her stomach settled and her friends were still nowhere to be found, I helped put her to bed in a safe way, making sure she was on her side and such.
And then tonight, while staying in studying (yes, I'm studying on a Friday night), I made two trips to the bathroom. On the first, I noticed a seemingly drunk girl guzzling from the sink, washed my hands, and went on my merry way, making a mental note to check on her in fifteen minutes or so. Well I did check on her, I had drank a lot of water myself and my bladder couldn't handle it. So I went back to the bathroom, this time finding the girl on the floor, under the sink. I was immediately worried. Although the girl lives in the same hallway as me, I am not close to anyone other than my roommate. We find the girls in our hall a tad bit too superficial for our liking and thus try to keep our distance. Still, I could not leave someone stranded on the floor in a state of mind I could only describe is "goop." I started talking to the girl, offering her the little food I have in my room (celery - but hey, it's water based, so it'd be good for her!), asking if she was okay and if there was anything I could do for her. Although she turned down my celery, she thanked me more times than I can count and even said I love you. After I peed, I talked to her again to make sure she was okay. She wished me luck on my studying, and I'm back in bed. Clearly a superhero (sarcasm). To be honest, I'll probably check on her again in a bit. I need to brush my teeth and wash my face anyway, so it's not a hassle to me.
In my opinion, any person should do this. It takes two seconds to ask someone "Are you okay?" and it's more than worth it, it's just being considerate. I'm not saying you have to do what I do and feed them or put them to bed, but you should at least try to reach out to someone.
So how do you be a considerate human being? By doing something nice for someone else, especially when it only takes a few minutes of your time. Such as holding a door open or asking them if they're okay.
I don't really know what I'm getting at. My Spring Break starts in a week (after a week of three exams, four tests, a giant final project, etc, etc...) and I'm supposed to be going on a service trip to volunteer as a camp counselor. I've been spending so much time studying (and helping people who are under the influence) that I haven't had any time for me. I guess I realized that the service trip is an added stress, when I really need to take a break. On top of that, there's a lot of studying that I would probably benefit from doing that week. My father has made it clear to me that he wants me to back out of the trip and focus on my school work... But does that make me a terrible person? The more I think about it, the more I think I should go on the trip. I feel obligated, yes, but I also feel like maybe spending a week helping little kids may brighten my day and relieve a bit of my stress. Maybe. I emailed the people in charge explaining my predicament and asking for advice or information that might help me to make my decision, but have yet to get a response. I also have yet to pay the second deposit because no one has given me any information on it, which is honestly stressing me out even more. I have so much that I feel as though I have to do, and all I want is to fall asleep in my boyfriend's arms.
To be a considerate human being, do I also have to be considerate to my own personal well-being? But if I drop out of a service trip, am I a bad person? Am I letting my peers down? To be a considerate human being, do I have to be considerate of them or me first?
And what really is best for me? I miss my friends. I miss relaxing. I feel so cooped up spending hours in my room studying. What did I do for myself today? I ordered my mom a book as a present. That's the kind of thing that makes me happy, making others happy. So maybe I should go on the trip and make others happy. Wouldn't that just make me happy and relieve my stress?
Maybe.
I hope so.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
jesus christ
"Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead?"
Crying
I don't care if you're "not going to be fun to be around," I don't care if you're going to be asleep while I do homework, or playing video games while I curl up and nap. That's all so insignificant to me. What matters to me is spending time with you. Especially since I'm realizing more and more just how little time we have together because I won't be seeing you this summer. I so badly want to talk to you about it because it's weighing on my shoulders but it makes me upset so I don't want to bring it up. Sometimes I feel like I never see you. I know that if I wasn't always the person reaching out and wanting to see you, I wouldn't. You never reach out to me. You never call me or text me first. I'm always the person asking if we'll be sleeping together at night. Sometimes I feel as though my presence is so insignificant to you.
Why don't you care about me?
All I want is your presence. Being with you makes me happy always. You make me feel safe. But sometimes I feel as though you don't want to be around me. Not even. At least if you didn't want me to be around, you'd care to some extent. But I feel insignificant to you. And your indifference breaks my heart. I hate how worthless you sometimes make me feel.
I wish you'd just initiate something. I wish you'd reach out and ask me to come over or something. I miss you. And it sometimes feels as though you don't miss me. You say you do, but none of your actions prove it. Will you ever follow through and prove to me that you're thinking of me when I'm not around? I dunno.
You often do. Not often, but sometimes. You sometimes prove it to me. And that's what makes it so hard. I put so much trust in you and you only reinforce it when it's starting to waver. I don't know if this makes sense but I'm so sick of always being alone.
That's why I was crying last night. Because all I can think about is how alone I'll be this summer. I'll be somewhere I've never lived before with no one but my Aunt. And I love her, but I'm going to have no friends. Most of the time I don't even feel like I have friends now. I just want some friends. I just want some place to call home. Why do you think I have to go to a whole new state this summer? I honestly don't have any idea where my home is. That's why I cry. Because I am so lost and so alone. Because I am so close to finding somewhere that I feel safe and happy and it already has a possible end date. Is there nothing to look forward to in the future? You say you see our future together but what future. A future till the end of the school year? Will we even make it through the summer? I'm so scared. I'm so terrified.
I don't want to be alone.
Why don't you care about me?
All I want is your presence. Being with you makes me happy always. You make me feel safe. But sometimes I feel as though you don't want to be around me. Not even. At least if you didn't want me to be around, you'd care to some extent. But I feel insignificant to you. And your indifference breaks my heart. I hate how worthless you sometimes make me feel.
I wish you'd just initiate something. I wish you'd reach out and ask me to come over or something. I miss you. And it sometimes feels as though you don't miss me. You say you do, but none of your actions prove it. Will you ever follow through and prove to me that you're thinking of me when I'm not around? I dunno.
You often do. Not often, but sometimes. You sometimes prove it to me. And that's what makes it so hard. I put so much trust in you and you only reinforce it when it's starting to waver. I don't know if this makes sense but I'm so sick of always being alone.
That's why I was crying last night. Because all I can think about is how alone I'll be this summer. I'll be somewhere I've never lived before with no one but my Aunt. And I love her, but I'm going to have no friends. Most of the time I don't even feel like I have friends now. I just want some friends. I just want some place to call home. Why do you think I have to go to a whole new state this summer? I honestly don't have any idea where my home is. That's why I cry. Because I am so lost and so alone. Because I am so close to finding somewhere that I feel safe and happy and it already has a possible end date. Is there nothing to look forward to in the future? You say you see our future together but what future. A future till the end of the school year? Will we even make it through the summer? I'm so scared. I'm so terrified.
I don't want to be alone.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Sometimes, I do.
I know I told you that I don't mind, but sometimes I do. And I'm not saying that I want or need you to change... Just that I do sometimes mind what you're doing. And I do sometimes wish you'd stop. But I don't want you stopping for me. I want you stopping for you. There are so many better things you could be doing. Maybe for once we could actually do things regularly together. Special things, I dunno. I'm not asking you to take me to expensive dinners or buy me flowers or any of that. But I want to go places with you. I want to explore and discover with you. I want to exist with you.
And sometimes, I feel as though the things you do keep us from reaching that phenomenal moment of existence.
And sometimes, I feel as though the things you do keep us from reaching that phenomenal moment of existence.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Love.
I've cried far too many times this week and I hate being alone. I hate how often I feel alone. I hate sleeping alone and spending nights alone. I always try to be there for the people I care about, but they hardly seem to be there to me. All I want is to be chosen. I don't want to have to ask for you to pick me. I don't want to have to ask you to like me or want to hang out with me. I don't feel comfortable inviting myself places that I'm not asked. I wish you'd just tell me you like me and you want to hang out. How come you never call me first? Why is it that I always find myself alone while everyone else is out. No one ever invites me anywhere. The people who call me their best friend only say it because I treat them well. Because I would do anything to make someone else happy. I would do more than anyone could imagine to make a person I love just a little bit happier for a few seconds. It honestly matters to me that much. Your happiness matters to me that much. I only wish my happiness mattered too. I only wish I wasn't crying every time I ended up alone in a room. I only wish I wasn't waiting for someone to show up and kiss me.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "wow, I really love you"? They're just talking or watching a movie, maybe laughing or sleeping or something, and there's a special little spark in them. Their body is alive and there's light in there eyes and something causes the world to stop because you realize you love them. I just really love you.
And happiness always seems so close but so far away. But I keep managing to make myself smile. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe happiness really is that close. Because even though I cried after you left me last night, I fell asleep with a smile on my face. And even though I was just crying a half hour ago, I'm smiling right now. Because this world is such a beautiful place to get lost in. Everything about it is so unique and magnificent and I love you.
Sometimes I recall all the little things. Our first kiss. The purple Christmas lights and you offering me your plaid shirt. Meeting you when you had a mustache. Those first few text messages, joking about what our porn names would be. Giggling over shared blueberries. You always coming immediately to my room to hang out. The first time you did I fell asleep and you slept over and I wanted so badly for you to reach over and wrap your arms around me. The way you kissed my shoulder blades in the morning. You buying me a new copy of my favorite book because someone stole it. And holding me when I finally cried about my parents' divorce. You longboarded to come see me at 3 am because you knew I was upset. And then you held me till it was past 5 and the sun was beginning to come up. Yes, I miss you when you're gone but you still always make me happy.
I'm still going to bed with a smile on my face. And maybe it's not you making me happy, maybe it's me. Maybe I need to give myself more credit... One day. Until then, I'll be dreaming of your lips, always.
Do you ever just look at someone and think "wow, I really love you"? They're just talking or watching a movie, maybe laughing or sleeping or something, and there's a special little spark in them. Their body is alive and there's light in there eyes and something causes the world to stop because you realize you love them. I just really love you.
And happiness always seems so close but so far away. But I keep managing to make myself smile. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe happiness really is that close. Because even though I cried after you left me last night, I fell asleep with a smile on my face. And even though I was just crying a half hour ago, I'm smiling right now. Because this world is such a beautiful place to get lost in. Everything about it is so unique and magnificent and I love you.
Sometimes I recall all the little things. Our first kiss. The purple Christmas lights and you offering me your plaid shirt. Meeting you when you had a mustache. Those first few text messages, joking about what our porn names would be. Giggling over shared blueberries. You always coming immediately to my room to hang out. The first time you did I fell asleep and you slept over and I wanted so badly for you to reach over and wrap your arms around me. The way you kissed my shoulder blades in the morning. You buying me a new copy of my favorite book because someone stole it. And holding me when I finally cried about my parents' divorce. You longboarded to come see me at 3 am because you knew I was upset. And then you held me till it was past 5 and the sun was beginning to come up. Yes, I miss you when you're gone but you still always make me happy.
I'm still going to bed with a smile on my face. And maybe it's not you making me happy, maybe it's me. Maybe I need to give myself more credit... One day. Until then, I'll be dreaming of your lips, always.
You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn’t get any better than this.-Anonymous
I miss your lips, and everything attached to them. xo.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Annoyed?
I feel as though you're annoyed that I'm nervous. It seems as though you are sick of me, and I really hope that isn't the case. I really hope it isn't. Fuck.
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