tension

the split second in between heart beats when I am unable to hold your gaze and my eyes drop, biting my lip I slowly bring my eyes back up to you before again looking away. Your heart wrenching blue eyes are moments before mine, and I crave nothing more than to break the silence by pulling your face to mine and stooping to breathe in your breath. I imagine you taste like weed and toothpaste, a combination that only makes my head spin when it's coming from you. When you trace maps on my skin, my whole body shivers, I have goosebumps down to my bare bones. Somehow the way your arm drapes over my body and pulls me in tight makes me feel at home, the comforter engulfing us like a warm sea, with you I'm safe. With my head on your chest I can hear the loud thump and I wonder if the erratic beat is because you're nervous too, are you nervous too? In between beats I look up into your eyes for the smallest moment. If only I could find it in me to kiss you.

I feel alone, so dreary and alone, and I hate sleep, and I miss you. I hate falling asleep alone, to my own heart beat. I wish you were here again, you arm draped around me and I could feel your heart beating against me. It made me feel safe and happy. But when I am alone in the darkness, every fear creeps under my skin. I become the forgotten, the caged. I become a woman of sin and sadness. In the blackened sky I cannot seem to forgive myself, I only see the bad. I am the hated gestalt, and you should never bother to call my name. Because I slouch in the inky air and let the tears roll. It is not worth trying to pick me up, as I am only a piece of garbage. In the darkness. I hate sleep when I am alone with my thoughts because I know I am nothing. Not even a second thought. I would do anything to check your pulse but you're not here. I want to grab your hand. Where do you want to go? If I squeeze my glazzies shut tight enough, will I see you?
Will I open them to that marvelous blue and crooked smile and crows feet? Will I open them to you?

I miss your body nestled against mine. I miss your breath and your mind.

Don't Let Me Down.

To be utterly honest, as of recently I've been getting very sick of you. I feel as though you treat me almost differently than everyone else. You take me for granted. You cut me off. You feel the need to bask in light. What you don't realize is that I'd be more than willing to let you, if you didn't go about it in such a vicious way. I feel uncomfortable around you. You're always trying to get me to care about you and worship you to such a degree that I've run out of ways to respond to you. The things you say... They all sound the same. I'm tired. I'm so exhausted. You always feel the need to be better at everything and it's draining me. Being a know it all isn't attractive. I'm sorry if I'm a bad friend but you're wearing me out. I wish you'd open your eyes a little bit. Stop talking about yourself all the time and maybe listen.

I could be anyone

I could be anyone. The silent wind grazing your arms and sending shivers down your back, the sound of your pulsating heart throbbing, echoing inside your head, the bright green pencil the person who sits next to you uses every day. I could be anything. I could be envious... So I am. Every time I stand up no one looks my way. Am I a soulless body, dragging its self through the day? I put my tongue between my teeth and bite. Hard. What does it feel like to be real? I watch you slouch in your seat, your eyes fluttering, open and closed. You are the predictable book that I flip through, hardly bothering to even glance over the pictures. But I. I am the book that's never even left the shelf. Do you enjoy watching me collect dust? I swallow, the sound of your footsteps echo through the hollow hallways, passing through me as though I am dissolving into the sky.
"Who are you?" Your voice tries to coo calmly, but I can hear the desperation clinging in your throat. You're trying to claw your way out of this darkness, but do you really want to see the light? I told you that I could be anyone, I've laid my whole being for you and am now waiting, waiting for you to see what you've always seen, but a second time. And when I give you an answer, don't be afraid to meet me halfway, you are so close to escaping the poison of your own mind.
I can hear your heavy breath and I know the truth. I would tell you not to bother with the reverberation your words, but, "Who are-who are you?" they double over themselves too immediately to be heard distinctly. Do you feel me now? I could scratch open your chest, watch you heave as your secrets pour out, an unending tale of clandestine sin. And you, oh you, you thought you would win.
Have you ever come across a serpent devouring its own tail? I can tell you desire to make something of yourself. But what are willing to risk, would you eat your own tail for the chance of eternal life? Stop wringing your wrists and listen to me, listen to the world as you know you never have before.

If you do anything today, let it be watching this...

I promise you, if you take five minutes out of your fay to watch this... You will be the happiest person ever.

Mise en abîme

This is called... I hate the way I let you do the things you do. I've been thinking about how to write this post for the past few days. And I was ready for bed more than two hours ago, trying to get to bed early, but had too much on my mind to even daydream of falling asleep at a reasonable hour. So here I am trying to let out all the things I want to say.
Did you know that I hate getting physically close to people? No, you didn't. I know you all think I love sex and use it as some form of a refugee (because I've gotten a comment about this). But actually, I'm not partaking in any kind of sexual acts. I'm abstinent. And it's because I've been raised to somehow be scared of it. To fear being intimate. Every time I try anything I feel terrible afterwards. (For the record, this has nothing to do with Faith or God. It's me and my image of myself.) I feel dirty. I feel slutty. I wish I could indulge but I can't. I never could. If I ever try, later that night it keeps me up and I just scream at myself in my head, over and over, "whore! whore!" It's funny because I know I'm not. I know kissing a boy isn't a terrible thing but I always feel as though it is. I always feel as though I'm breaking some unspoken, universal law. Thou shall not engage intimately with anyone. Is this my curse? An inability to let myself go and do what feels right in the moment? An inability to really let anyone in at all?
I'm a big flirt. I'll admit, I like the attention I receive from guys who are interested in me. It makes me feel wanted (at least physically wanted), which is something I've hardly ever felt. I always feel out of place. Always. With my "family", "friends", etc... I feel intellectually and emotionally off. I simply don't fit in. So I flirt to get attention that I feel I don't receive otherwise. But then I can't bring myself to follow through. For starters, I'm attracted to almost everyone when I first meet them. I love everything to at least a very tiny extent. I can honestly find love in everything. But the attraction always fades away, always. So I feel bad letting a boy get close to me, because what happens when it fades? I've been hurt and I don't want to hurt other people. I love the chase but once I get them, I'm bored. And I love being chased, but sure enough once they get me, they're bored as well. So sometimes I'll flirt with a guy that I'm genuinely interested in, get the chance to, you know, hook up with him, and turn him down because I don't want to feel slutty or like I could have hurt their feelings afterwards. Especially if there's drinking involved, I'd like to think that I'm worth more than a drunken hook up. Which is honestly silly because in some ways, I hate myself. In most ways. But still, let's pretend I think I'm worth more than a drunken hook up. I'm sure you're all wondering why I don't just get a boyfriend and feel wanted and be happy with my life. I can't help that I'm a silly adolescent with hormones and I don't want to be tied down to one person. I'm a freshman in college and I meet new people on a daily basis, I'm attracted to all these new people when I first meet them. Almost everyone I meet. There's something special about everyone, and I can find it. I'm not ready to settle down. Besides, it's so easy to get hurt in a relationship. If I have trouble being physically intimate with others, what are the chances of me being comfortable with emotional intimacy?
Hah.
Now to further explain myself, where I have been misunderstood... I received this comment:

I don't know you, I don't know your life, but I'm inclined to think that you're seeking strength in the wrong places. Namely, in other people instead of yourself (and, if you believe in that sort of thing, god). I have a challenge for you: celibacy for a year. For six months. For the rest of the semester. Whatever you choose. Challenge yourself. Cause I honestly believe the feeling of victory after you've fought your hardest is better than an orgasm.

The reason why it comes off as though I find "strength" in sex, is because honestly, in some ways, I wish I could. I crave carelessness and ignorance, not that I would fake ignorance to find bliss. But sometimes I wish I could. Especially on my blog where I pretty much vent about everything that bothers me ever. I wish I could be ignorant and lose myself in physical intimacy, because I cannot find it within myself to be emotionally or intellectually intimate with anyone. So yes, I do sometimes wish I could have "the ignorance of mindless sex," as I wrote on the post that received the above comment, but that's because I really just wish I could be intimate in general.

I feel very, very alone. And it's a terrible feeling. I break down and cry a lot. A lot. Because I don't know what to do with myself. What do I do with myself?
Nothing. I can do nothing but slowly disappear, until I become a ghost of this world. I'm falling through the floors and ceilings, hoping to slip into a place I belong. I am not of this world.



And now a variety of Skins gifs and pictures that honestly express how I feel:

I don't even want a boyfriend...

I just want someone who wants to hang out all the time and thinks I'm the best person in the world and wants to have sex with only me... -Hannah, Girls

I'm on edge about everything. And it's true, I really don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to be dealing with boys and getting emotionally attached. I'd rather be focusing on myself and my schoolwork and my future. But I still want someone in my life like that... In some ways, I do want friends with benefits, but in some ways I don't. Friends with benefits can be messy and there's always one person giving more of them self. Maybe this time I want to be the person receiving more... As selfish as that sounds. Really I'm just thinking out loud here. What do I want? Cuddling and kisses and sly remarks made from only eye contact. I like those heart-pounding secret relationships with stolen words and lip biting and oh the things you say with your body language. I like the built up passion in tension, and I want you throwing rocks at my window to request my presence. I want you to want me. Is that too much to ask? I want you, so be brave and want me too.

ps- I'm lonely.

Bill Nye 2012! (and voting ootd!)

I mean seriously, who wouldn't write in this beaut?!

Bill Nye impersonating an alien.

Bill Nye looking snazzy in that bow tie.

The wise words of Bill Nye!

So today is voting day! I didn't actually write in Bill Nye, although I love him dearly. And as a matter of fact, I did not vote for the person he endorsed (President Obama). I am proud to say that for my first ever election, I voted for someone I genuinely believe in... Gary Johnson.

This is in fact a picture of me meeting Gary Johnson! Woooo!

Here are some reasons why I voted for Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson:
Gary Johnson operated as governor of a state with 2:1 of the legislature of the opposite party for two terms, and in those two terms turned a one billion dollar deficit into a one billion dollar surplus without raising a penny in taxes. No other candidate has started his own business and expanded it to employ over 1,000 workers. He wants to completely end the war on drugs. He believes that gay marriage is a constitutional right. He received more "torches" on the ACLU Civil Liberties report card than any candidate. He wants to abolish the government's ability of surveillance, torture, and racial profiling, and take away some of the power the government has, giving it back to the people. He's prochoice of course. Also, he climbed Mount Everest. :) Many people tell me that my vote won't count but if he gets 5% of votes, there's a significant chance third party candidates will be included in the debates in the next election. So my vote is for the future.

And now onto the fun stuff! I'm not usually one for outfit of the day posts, but I did dress for 'MURICA today!

 

my favorite bumble bee socks!

My shirt is from Francesca's, pants are from Ann Taylor Loft, shoes are converse, snazzy bumble bee socks are actually Burt's Bees, and my sticker is from voting! Hip hip hooray for voting! I live in a swing state so this is extra exciting over here in my fox hole. But I believe that everyone who can vote, should vote because every vote counts. So go out there and get your votin' on!

Patriotic as eva,
Foxy!

Weekend Magic!

So, this weekend has been particularly nice. As I write this, I feel really relieved because in some ways, I feel as though I'm finally starting to find my niche here. I went to Target yesterday and bought some lovely items for my ever so lovely room! I got some dish ware, which consists of a bowl and a cup, peach mango seltzer, delicious trail mix, dark chocolate chips that I added to my trail mix, some raspberry jam, a warm pear drink thing, cookie dough, some paper plates and plastic silverware, and some new make up! Overall, yesterday was really quite splendid. I spent the day shopping with the girl who is possibly my closest friend in college, Alli. We joked around in Target and had way too much fun in Victoria's Secret. We're trying to get our friends who have a house off campus to host a Lingerie themed party! As it turns out, we're both relatively obsessed with underwear. No big deal. At all. Going into Victoria's Secret was incredibly exciting because they had all their Christmas lingerie out!! It made me want a boyfriend. Sort of. Not really even. I just want lingerie. Christmas... Lingerie. Everything was so sparkly! I totally felt like I'd be an ornament in some of it. So exciting. Thus, a boyfriend would be an excuse to buy some! Alli has a boyfriend, but we're both planning on getting Christmas Lingerie no matter what. Do these not make you want to put a bow on your head and get comfy under the christmas tree! To be a gift for someone special, or hell, just hop on the tree and be an ornament?! Here are some of my favorite sparkly pieces...

 Gosh, I started to totally get into the Christmas spirit. It's not that I'm skipping over Thanksgiving, because I absolutely love love love Thanksgiving. My excitement is over this time of year. Halloween into Thanksgiving into Christmas. It's all so magical and astonishing. Breathtaking. And I cannot wait to be home for Thanksgiving! I love getting to see my whole family and pigging out on delicious food and playing football together. This is why Autumn is my favorite season. And why the line "it's the most wonderful time of the year," (pertaining to the season of Christmas) is so unbelievably true! Anyway, more about the weekend... Alli and I ended up in Starbucks, where I flirted with the barista and actually got a free treat! I also told him that I was going to marry him. Again, no big deal. But he was totally fun and cute and I'm going to go back and visit him sometime.
Eventually Alli and I ended up in my room taking pictures of ourselves. See here....

And my personal favorite........

I even got to talk to one of my best friends from home, Doug, on the phone last night!! He's one of my favorite people, so of course I told him all about my Christmas spirit and the Christmas lingerie I am in dire need of. You think I'm joking, but Doug and I are very, very open with each other! We also talked about our pancake movie night over Thanksgiving break (I CAN'T WAIT) and this essay he wrote on existentialism and all these tiny little things that made my cheeks hurt from smiling so much. I love Douglas. And Alli. Saturday was the perfect reminder of all the little things that make me absolutely ecstatic about living life.

Then today... I spent a significant amount of today rearranging and organizing my room, and I must say, it's making me beam. (and sneeze, apparently!) My bed is in the perfect place and the book shelf is all neat and wonderful, my posters look fantastic. I only have to fold my clothes and hang my lights and my room is done! My roommate moved out (which I honestly could not be happier about) and now my bed is perfectly in this one corner and it's so comfy and nice. I love being by the window and getting the perfect breeze while I sleep and waking up to the sunshine and everything. I'm so glad with how my room came out and it's making me feel much more productive. Suddenly I want to get ahead in my classes, it's quite fantastic. I also got to play with handcuffs today. My friends were joking around and handcuffed me and my friend Zach together. Then I got handcuffed to a railing. So then we handcuffed Zach to the girl's bathroom door. And now I have the handcuffs in my room. Scandalous. I love college! Plus I'm just feeling really good about myself and everything. In this moment, I could not be happier. I want to do great things (and wear great underwear).

It's beginning to look a lot like... Pure joy. I'm so glad to be in my skin.

xo,
Foxy!

Saturday's a Quiet Riot

I am the breath you beg yourself to keep, the one you try to lock away behind your lips, a prison to hold my effervescent body, oh the way I move. I am the ghostly hue of purple and blue, the silky sheets made so fine they slither around your body as though they are a fluid. The rhythm of your heart beating, the slow crashing of waves, the opening and closing of doors. Sometimes you wonder where your mind went, a dragon getting lost in the smoky haze it created its self. Icy shivers sent trembling through your veins, my nails against your delicate skin. You are the flower blooming in slow motion and I the camera capturing the moment. I bite my lip slowly, as it does a little wave from under my teeth, finally releasing it. Your eyelids droop in a long instant, slowly getting heavier and approaching the ground, only to flutter back open. I watch as your head falls against the wall, your body seems to be swallowed by the bed you sink into, a shadow falling through the world. My hand reaches up, my fingers grazing my scalp and running through my hair, grasping at any remainder of sanity. I watch the muscles in your neck relax as you arch your back and stretch out, your mouth falling into a tiny oh. A deep breath and our bodies breathe as one, up down motion, the sea pushing and pulling at our backbones. I am the wind that steals your blood flow and turns it out onto the world, rivers and streams, ponds and marshes. One must feed the children of the world.