Mise en abîme

This is called... I hate the way I let you do the things you do. I've been thinking about how to write this post for the past few days. And I was ready for bed more than two hours ago, trying to get to bed early, but had too much on my mind to even daydream of falling asleep at a reasonable hour. So here I am trying to let out all the things I want to say.
Did you know that I hate getting physically close to people? No, you didn't. I know you all think I love sex and use it as some form of a refugee (because I've gotten a comment about this). But actually, I'm not partaking in any kind of sexual acts. I'm abstinent. And it's because I've been raised to somehow be scared of it. To fear being intimate. Every time I try anything I feel terrible afterwards. (For the record, this has nothing to do with Faith or God. It's me and my image of myself.) I feel dirty. I feel slutty. I wish I could indulge but I can't. I never could. If I ever try, later that night it keeps me up and I just scream at myself in my head, over and over, "whore! whore!" It's funny because I know I'm not. I know kissing a boy isn't a terrible thing but I always feel as though it is. I always feel as though I'm breaking some unspoken, universal law. Thou shall not engage intimately with anyone. Is this my curse? An inability to let myself go and do what feels right in the moment? An inability to really let anyone in at all?
I'm a big flirt. I'll admit, I like the attention I receive from guys who are interested in me. It makes me feel wanted (at least physically wanted), which is something I've hardly ever felt. I always feel out of place. Always. With my "family", "friends", etc... I feel intellectually and emotionally off. I simply don't fit in. So I flirt to get attention that I feel I don't receive otherwise. But then I can't bring myself to follow through. For starters, I'm attracted to almost everyone when I first meet them. I love everything to at least a very tiny extent. I can honestly find love in everything. But the attraction always fades away, always. So I feel bad letting a boy get close to me, because what happens when it fades? I've been hurt and I don't want to hurt other people. I love the chase but once I get them, I'm bored. And I love being chased, but sure enough once they get me, they're bored as well. So sometimes I'll flirt with a guy that I'm genuinely interested in, get the chance to, you know, hook up with him, and turn him down because I don't want to feel slutty or like I could have hurt their feelings afterwards. Especially if there's drinking involved, I'd like to think that I'm worth more than a drunken hook up. Which is honestly silly because in some ways, I hate myself. In most ways. But still, let's pretend I think I'm worth more than a drunken hook up. I'm sure you're all wondering why I don't just get a boyfriend and feel wanted and be happy with my life. I can't help that I'm a silly adolescent with hormones and I don't want to be tied down to one person. I'm a freshman in college and I meet new people on a daily basis, I'm attracted to all these new people when I first meet them. Almost everyone I meet. There's something special about everyone, and I can find it. I'm not ready to settle down. Besides, it's so easy to get hurt in a relationship. If I have trouble being physically intimate with others, what are the chances of me being comfortable with emotional intimacy?
Hah.
Now to further explain myself, where I have been misunderstood... I received this comment:

I don't know you, I don't know your life, but I'm inclined to think that you're seeking strength in the wrong places. Namely, in other people instead of yourself (and, if you believe in that sort of thing, god). I have a challenge for you: celibacy for a year. For six months. For the rest of the semester. Whatever you choose. Challenge yourself. Cause I honestly believe the feeling of victory after you've fought your hardest is better than an orgasm.

The reason why it comes off as though I find "strength" in sex, is because honestly, in some ways, I wish I could. I crave carelessness and ignorance, not that I would fake ignorance to find bliss. But sometimes I wish I could. Especially on my blog where I pretty much vent about everything that bothers me ever. I wish I could be ignorant and lose myself in physical intimacy, because I cannot find it within myself to be emotionally or intellectually intimate with anyone. So yes, I do sometimes wish I could have "the ignorance of mindless sex," as I wrote on the post that received the above comment, but that's because I really just wish I could be intimate in general.

I feel very, very alone. And it's a terrible feeling. I break down and cry a lot. A lot. Because I don't know what to do with myself. What do I do with myself?
Nothing. I can do nothing but slowly disappear, until I become a ghost of this world. I'm falling through the floors and ceilings, hoping to slip into a place I belong. I am not of this world.



And now a variety of Skins gifs and pictures that honestly express how I feel: