Have I told you how magnificent the world we live in is? I've been having an incredibly rough few weeks, but I just made a decision that has lifted a load off of my shoulders. I've decided not to go on the service trip. After a very grueling day filled with crying over stress, and eventually starting to get sick, I realized that it'd be stupid of me to go. I'm starting to get sick because I am stressing over studying, which means that by the end of the week, I doubt I'll be peachy keen and ready to hop into a car and go play with children. I'll probably want to sleep for 48 hours straight. In which case, I'd miss the whole trip I paid for. Not only would I be going on the trip most likely ill, but I'd be ignoring my own psychological well-being. Honestly, this is what I've learned from these terrible few weeks: I have to allow myself to breathe. I have to allow myself to be happy. I can't lock myself in my room studying. I have to allow myself to want things and to get the things that I want. Sometimes, it's necessary to be selfish.
So starting tomorrow I'm going to allow myself to enjoy life. I kept bawling my eyes out over the fact that I wasn't living, that I was simply existing, instead of going out and embracing this beautiful town that I live in! Tomorrow I'm going to go on a run after which I will treat myself to reading and Starbucks. Then I'll get back to studying. Once I've relaxed a little, I'll allow myself to study - outside! I'll sit in this magnificent weather and study. Maybe I'll even work on my short story because I know I'll be feeling inspired. I think I'll break out my watercolors and paint or maybe get the balls to visit Jack at work because who knows? There are so many things I can do, there are so many possibilities! I can do it all. I'm going to have a fantastic day. I'm glowing as I write this.
And then during spring break, I am going to allow myself to relax. But not only that... I am going to allow myself to do all the things I've been wanting to do. Like go on hikes with Jack or tan on Farrand or finally read a book from my growing list. I'm going to let myself breathe. And I'm going to be happy.
I am happy.
And if it wasn't for Jack supporting me through everything, I don't know where I'd be. So here's a picture of us lovebirds last weekend. I actually have a handful more that I'll show y'all in a later blogpost.
I actually think it's my favorite picture of us so far, but Jackalope already beat me and made it his profile picture!
And please! Please! Comment on this blogpost! Tell me what makes you happy! What do you do when your down? How to you manage to stay positive when things around you seem to be terrible. I've had so many page visits and readers lately and I want to get to know each and every one of you. And if your sad, tell me, let me help you. I know from experience that you can always find something to be thankful for or generally happy about. There is always a silver lining. Life is worth living. This world is absolutely fantastic. Always. You are not a slug, rather, you are emerging into the most beautiful of butterflies.
Something I tend to struggle with is staying positive. It's not that I'm an unhappy person necessarily, but I so easily get trapped in my head - in the worst way possible. As in, I just recently read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, which is a first person narrative, and I so deeply connected to the thoughts of the main character that it scared me a bit... It honestly continues to scare me. But the difference between Sylvia Plath's writings and me is that I continue to have hope and search for the little amazing things in life. Hence my post a little while ago about things to be happy about. My blog so often gets moody because it is a place for me to unwind when my thoughts are plaguing me, but I want to continue to remind myself that there are wondrous things in the world to embrace and be happy about.
I wrote a relatively long list of New Year's resolutions, not because I feel the need to resolve every aspect of my life, but because in general, there are a lot of things I want to be constantly working towards. For example, my body. I'm always trying to be healthier, but on my resolution list I wrote out how I plan on doing just that. This includes drinking more water (I don't drink soda ever, I almost always drink water, I simply want to drink about 2 liters of water a day), going to bed on time, stretching and meditating daily, working out on a regular basis, eating healthier, etc... The reason why I like to write things out, multiple times, is because it acts as a reminder to myself. When I write these positive thoughts and goals down, or simply say them out loud, I am confirming their importance in my life.
So here is my insanely long list of resolutions, by putting them on my blog, I'm telling the world that I am going to make these important changes in my life. And honestly, to me they are changes for life, these resolutions are the growth I crave as a person. I want to always, always be taking more steps toward these goals, not just for 2013, but for my life. My scanner is misbehaving because my printer is out of black ink, which is silly since the two actions aren't quite connected. But whatevs, maybe one day y'all will get a better picture. Until then, here ya go... (Also, there is no concrete reason why be more flexible is written in purple - it just happened... Awk).
27. WORRY LESS - LOVE MORE.
So now, I'm going to do something that I don't do enough, and I'm sure plenty of other people in the world don't do enough - I'm going to give myself credit. I've already actively been making changes to my lifestyle, and I deserve to be proud of how far I'm coming. On my list I have...
00. sleep
Although I have no doubt this has been affected by the time difference between New Jersey and Boulder, I have been actively going to bed earlier than 1 am, sometimes even earlier than 11 pm! This also means that I've been waking up much earlier, which is lovely. I really want to get into a good sleep schedule with classes starting (tomorrow!!!!) (And yes, I am excited for my classes to start). 3. Drink more water
I'm drinking a glass of water right now. I really am trying to always, always have water. I plan on getting a Brita filter so my roommate and I can always have fresh water in our fridge. I also plan on buying a new, really nice, water bottle when I go buy some of my books from the bookstore. This way, I can always have water with me and can drink it throughout the day. (I plan on buying some books tomorrow and Tuesday; water bottle, here I come!) 4. Be more organized
I got back to Boulder quite early, in fact, I got back before the dorms opened and stayed a night at my boyfriend's house (which I probably would have done any way). He went on a two day skiing trip while I moved back into my dorm. And although I hate being alone more than almost anything else on the planet (new resolution to add to my list: learn to appreciate the beauty in being alone), I got shit done. I unpacked everything from break (usually this takes me a few weeks), color coded my closet, and really started to figure out the important stuff in my life. I got organized not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I went to the doctor while my boyfriend was away, worked on his birthday presents, and really devoted time to focusing on the things that I value. Plus, before I left to come back to Boulder, I bought myself a very nifty finance book. It has a bunch of folders for receipts and all this awesome organizationy stuff. I am going to use the shit out of this finance book for a variety of reasons and it is kind of empowering. Not only that, but I also have the coolest planner ever, called the "Disappointments Diary." I ordered it all the way from the UK 'cause I'm crazy like that. But it's hilarious and perfect and I love British homour. (Spelled humor with a "u," 'cause duh, British)
Anyway, here's an awesome picture of my color coordinated closet 'cause it's perf and perf. (Sorry about the terrible lighting, roomie and I are planning on installing lights asap)
5. Read more books!
I am no longer an English major, officially a double major in Philosophy and Film with a minor in Creative Writing. Although this is technically much more work, it allows me to devote my time to personal reading! Since the beginning break I've read 2.5 books, which isn't much, but I'm getting back into the reading world! I read Slaughterhouse-Five, The Bell Jar, and am halfway through rereading Skellig! I love diving into my books, it's one of those things that makes me genuinely happy!
6. Do more things for Jack
Recently my lovely boyfriend and I exchanged Christmas presents, and even more recently was his birthday (so pretty much I gave him more presents). To me, this wasn't just about buying things for him, a lot of the effort I put into his presents was personal because I also made him stuff. I don't think I've ever felt so good about the things I've gotten someone. From new art supplies and a sketchbook that I wrote in and personalized (Christmas presents), to an awesome shirt, a book I knew he'd love, and mix CDs that I poured myself into (birthday presents), not only was he a happy camper, but I was over the moon to do these things for my fantastic boyfriend! I can possibly credit the act of giving as the thing that makes me happiest. Period. I love to give, and I especially love to give to the people I care about because it allows me to illustrate the fact that I do care.
And I've been listening to the CDs/playlists. I'm so proud of them, I even edited some songs in garage band and included a hidden track. Yessssssssss!
I could continue to go on about all the steps I'm taking to making both myself and my life better, but I'm going to stop here. The fact that I could keep listing things, however, says a lot and makes me even more proud of myself. Sometimes I forget to give myself credit for the things I do and the effort I'm constantly putting in, but writing these lists always helps me to smile.
I'm going to end this with some empowering quotes that I plan on also adorning my room with.
And this... I'm sure someone will take what I'm about to say the wrong way, but part of me feels this applies to me. I have no idea what I am and I'm still trying to learn how to appreciate myself, it's the thing I struggle with the most in the world and one of the things I've heard the most from other people. Unprecedented means "without previous incidence; never before known or experienced; unexampled or unparalleled," with synonyms being "unique, extraordinary, exceptional, novel..." I'm not saying that I'm this special pearl or hidden gem, in all honesty, everyone is unique in their own way. I just mean that... I struggle to appreciate my unique differences. I really do have no idea what I am. Whenever someone tells me, I try so hard to grasp it but I cannot yet fathom it. Maybe I never will be able to, but hopefully one day I'll be able to see the beauty in myself. You know?
And my current favorite song EVER you have to listen to it, it's heaven and makes me so giggly-happy. Really just the first line... Perf.
"Well, he feels like an elephant, shaking his big grey trunk for the hell of it"
I just imagine an elephant shaking his trunk for no concrete reason and it makes me giggle and smile and want to kiss the sky
Not wearing a bra!! Those things can be so constricting.
I brushed my hair for you bitches. Not wearing a bra, yo! And lovin' dat red light.
I've lost weight (but am not at all underweight! Yay 113 lbs!!!).
So far everyone has adored my Christmas presents to them (the best thing about Christmas).
I'm drinking hot cocoa! Seriously the best mood-lifter eva.
Plus, how cute is my mug?
Just as I was feeling as moody as ever, my brother invited me to watch Two Towers with him. Perfect timing, perfect movie, perfect company.
Watching LOTR, I've come to the conclusion that no matter how terrible my family life is... Hey, at least I don't have to be delivering the ring of power to Mount Doom.
And hey, at least I'm not Gretchen Wieners...
Although I miss my boyfriend very dearly, I will get to see him in two weeks! Exactly fourteen days, possibly less if I manage to get the earlier flight I want.
My skin has been clearing up a lot lately.
My booty is still sore from working out a few nights ago. Same with my abs and thighs. Glad to be getting my body in shape!
I got some absolutely wonderful Christmas presents! I actually had one of the best Christmas' ever. Presents included: astrology watch, fox hat, elephant shirt, AND JEFFERY CAMPBELL SNEAKER WEDGES!
New Favorite top.
I'm actually obsessed.
Due to a 50% coupon, I was able to buy my boyfriend some really nice gifts. (One of which is normally $55!!!) I'm in the process of personalizing them to give to him.
Even though it sucks that I'm not with my boyfriend right now like I could have been, not seeing him this weekend means I have more time to perfect this present..
I love giving gifts. Can I just give gifts forever? Can I be Santa Claus? Please!
I finished Slaughterhouse-Five last night! I'm devoting this break to reading, writing, and making art.
Casual fireside reading (throwback to Christmas day).
Monday I plan on dying my hair dark brown! I've been talking about this for months, and wanting to do it for ever longer. Maybe I'll finally get to have my indie rocker muse phase or whatnot. Pretty much I'm going to fuck shit up and love myself.
For getting mono during my first semester, missing classes for two weeks, and struggling through midterms, my grades are excellent! I didn't make Dean's List (yet), but I still managed to get excellent grades and I'm going to make Dean's List next semester for sure.
I don't know my French grade yet, but even with an A, it's impossible to have a 3.75 GPA..
My new majors and minor are incredibly fantastic! I'm more than ecstatic to get to study Film and Philosophy in depth, and will forever adore my minor in Creative Writing.
I made $$$ last night babysitting. But even if I didn't make money, babysitting makes me incredibly happy. It's possibly my biggest confidence booster. I simply love spending time with and taking care of kids. They're so cute and lovely and ughhh I love babysitting.
This scholarship thing... Can't really go into detail but it's a lot to be happy and thankful for!
THE LOVELY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. Wow. Even though I've been in a lot of shit moods lately, my friends have really stood by me. I'm most excited to get together with them and dye our hair (my friends want to dip-dye and I just want dark brown, yo). But really I could not express how much it means to have support during such a dark time. I've been encouraged countless times to do what makes me happy, even if that means paying all that money for an earlier flight to get home to Colorado. And not only have my friends been supportive, wow, my boyfriend has been so incredibly... Wow. I'm always scared that opening up and showing that I'm in pain will scare people away. That being human will make people realize that I'm not worth dealing with or something. Not worth their time. But here I am being human, being completely imperfect, and still being a part of something beautiful. My relationship constantly astounds me and always fills my heart with joy. I am happy.
Wearing his heavenly sweatshirt. God, I miss him.
I feel the need to protect his identity.
My present to whomever reads this. Merry Christmas, a picture of my hot boy toy.
And now a lovely cover of Gravity by my dear friend, Alex:
