Good things to be happy about

Also known as: what I'm thankful for...

1. Not wearing a bra!! Those things can be so constricting.

   

   I brushed my hair for you bitches. Not wearing a bra, yo! And lovin' dat red light.

2. I've lost weight (but am not at all underweight! Yay 113 lbs!!!).
3. So far everyone has adored my Christmas presents to them (the best thing about Christmas).
4. I'm drinking hot cocoa! Seriously the best mood-lifter eva.



Plus, how cute is my mug?

5. Just as I was feeling as moody as ever, my brother invited me to watch Two Towers with him. Perfect timing, perfect movie, perfect company.
6. Watching LOTR, I've come to the conclusion that no matter how terrible my family life is... Hey, at least I don't have to be delivering the ring of power to Mount Doom. 

   

   And hey, at least I'm not Gretchen Wieners...

7. Although I miss my boyfriend very dearly, I will get to see him in two weeks! Exactly fourteen days, possibly less if I manage to get the earlier flight I want.
8. My skin has been clearing up a lot lately.
9. My booty is still sore from working out a few nights ago. Same with my abs and thighs. Glad to be getting my body in shape!
10. I got some absolutely wonderful Christmas presents! I actually had one of the best Christmas' ever. Presents included: astrology watch, fox hat, elephant shirt, AND JEFFERY CAMPBELL SNEAKER WEDGES!

    

    New Favorite top.
    

    

    I'm actually obsessed.

11. Due to a 50% coupon, I was able to buy my boyfriend some really nice gifts. (One of which is normally $55!!!) I'm in the process of personalizing them to give to him.
12. Even though it sucks that I'm not with my boyfriend right now like I could have been, not seeing him this weekend means I have more time to perfect this present..
13. I love giving gifts. Can I just give gifts forever? Can I be Santa Claus? Please!
14. I finished Slaughterhouse-Five last night! I'm devoting this break to reading, writing, and making art. 

    

    Casual fireside reading (throwback to Christmas day).

15. Monday I plan on dying my hair dark brown! I've been talking about this for months, and wanting to do it for ever longer. Maybe I'll finally get to have my indie rocker muse phase or whatnot. Pretty much I'm going to fuck shit up and love myself.
16. For getting mono during my first semester, missing classes for two weeks, and struggling through midterms, my grades are excellent! I didn't make Dean's List (yet), but I still managed to get excellent grades and I'm going to make Dean's List next semester for sure.

    

    I don't know my French grade yet, but even with an A, it's impossible to have a 3.75 GPA..

17. My new majors and minor are incredibly fantastic! I'm more than ecstatic to get to study Film and Philosophy in depth, and will forever adore my minor in Creative Writing.
18. I made $$$ last night babysitting. But even if I didn't make money, babysitting makes me incredibly happy. It's possibly my biggest confidence booster. I simply love spending time with and taking care of kids. They're so cute and lovely and ughhh I love babysitting.
19. This scholarship thing... Can't really go into detail but it's a lot to be happy and thankful for!
20. THE LOVELY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE. Wow. Even though I've been in a lot of shit moods lately, my friends have really stood by me. I'm most excited to get together with them and dye our hair (my friends want to dip-dye and I just want dark brown, yo). But really I could not express how much it means to have support during such a dark time. I've been encouraged countless times to do what makes me happy, even if that means paying all that money for an earlier flight to get home to Colorado. And not only have my friends been supportive, wow, my boyfriend has been so incredibly... Wow. I'm always scared that opening up and showing that I'm in pain will scare people away. That being human will make people realize that I'm not worth dealing with or something. Not worth their time. But here I am being human, being completely imperfect, and still being a part of something beautiful. My relationship constantly astounds me and always fills my heart with joy. I am happy.

    

    Wearing his heavenly sweatshirt. God, I miss him.
    

    

    I feel the need to protect his identity.
    

    

    My present to whomever reads this. Merry Christmas, a picture of my hot boy toy.

And now a lovely cover of Gravity by my dear friend, Alex:

I'm crying harder

I'm crying harder and I hate when you don't say good night. I hate when any conversation is left hanging in the air. Good nights are so significant because they aren't forever, they aren't for long. Good byes, farewells.... They have too much weight. So much that it worries me. Good nights are simple and sweet and meant for safe and happy dreams. They're almost a promise to speak again.

I don't even know what I'm saying but I'm crying harder and I don't know what to do with myself.

Silent crying scares me. Not being able to make the tears stop. I feel so trapped here. I'm suffocating. I wish I could run away. Never have I been more depressed in my life. It is as though I had finally escaped, as though I had finally broken free from my family and found happiness in college. Only to return and realize that no matter how hard I try, I'll always be stuck here. Sometimes I think I want to run away for good. Flee the country and cut off all ties with them. Maybe then I'd be able to get to bed without crying myself to sleep. I don't feel safe here, I'm constantly walking on broken glass. I just want to be held and told that everything is okay, that it's going to be okay. But you're not here. And it's not okay. It's not okay that being here affects me so drastically. I automatically revert back to dreams of escaping, dreams of running away.

For the first time in my life I had stopped dreaming of running, I had stopped running altogether. And it barely lasted. I'm already back where I started, running from this house and these people. I'm not okay.

All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas is an earlier flight home to Boulder. I hate it here. I want these nightmares to stop, I want to finally fall asleep in your arms again. I miss feeling safe, I miss your lips. I hate it here. I hate how depressing everything here is. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it here. I don't feel safe. I'm sad always. All I ever do I cry. This isn't home, this will never be home. I want to go home. I miss being happy. I miss being me. I hate that I'm crying myself to sleep every night. I hate it here.

I'm in I-want-to-end-this-before-you-hurt-me mode. Realizing that I care way too much and doubting you care the way I do and ultimately worrying and crying nonstop. It sucks. Especially since I don't want to cut off ties with you. I want you. I just want me too. I want to protect myself. If I stop talking to you then I'm in control, except you make me happy and the idea of trying to cut you out of my life is painful to even think about. And when I'm with my family, if you can even call them that, I'm such a mess. I'm worried you'll hurt me now, now when I'm already down. I'm so vulnerable. Please don't hurt me.

I'm actually in break up mode because I'm terrified. I'm so scared to let you in. But I like you and I don't want to lose you but I'm afraid you'll leave me. I'm scared. I'm so scared and I feel so alone.

I'm sorry for being timid. I wish you were here to hold me. I just want to exist with you.

Core

I just received a letter I wrote to myself over the summer, while on a mission trip. I don't know if this sounds incredibly selfish or whatnot, but I wrote about how I need to learn to appreciate myself. That's one of the things everyone told me that week: to appreciate myself, that I don't appreciate myself enough.
So here I am, sitting in bed, in New Jersey, trying to appreciate myself. And I can't do it. I can't fucking do it. I got back here Thursday night. I don't call this place home. Colorado is my home. My mom has already spent two days yelling at me. To an extreme amount. How can I appreciate myself? She makes it clear that I take things for granted, she says that I think I deserve better than everyone else, she tells me that I don't do enough for our family.
I try so hard, but clearly my efforts are fruitless. I don't even know what to do with myself at this point, I'm stuck here for another three weeks. I just want to go home, home to Colorado. At the end of this trip I plan on threatening to not come back. I could find a job in Colorado or go home with a friend, I don't care. Honestly, I'd do anything to not be back here. They make me feel worthless. I try so hard and they make me feel like dirt or less than that even.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the core of the earth. So much is on my shoulders, practically everything, yet everyone tends to forget about the effort I put in.
Yesterday night my mom threw a fit at me. I got home from a casual coffee evening with two friends, came in the house, and went to my room. And suddenly there was my mom, shrilling. Her rude words pierced the darkness, I had yet to even turn on a light. "You slammed the door! Veronica's sick and asleep and you woke her up!" or something along those lines. It's gotten to the point where she sounds like a siren, the words lose their weight and she's just sound, going off at me every chance she gets. I knew I hadn't slammed a door but I accepted it and moved on. This morning my sister revealed that my mom's screaming had woken up. Well great, her waking up wasn't my fault, but my mom's screaming was still my fault.
Then this morning my mom asked me when I was going to get my hair cut. I was excited and said after we eat. This was less than fifteen minutes ago. She pulled out a coupon for Supercuts and told me I was going to pay for my hair cut. It's been almost eight months since I've gotten my hair cut, and yes, I was a bit upset that I had downgraded to Supercuts. My hair is a mess and I don't know how to take care of it and I wanted a good hair cut. So maybe I acted a bit childish saying that, but hey, if I'm going to pay for my hair cut, shouldn't I have a say in where I get it done? To which my head proceeded to explode from the sound that escaped her lips. "You're not an adult! You're not better than everyone else!" Thank you, mother... I do happen to be eighteen and I never said I was. Once again the words jumble together. At moments like these, I've realized, it doesn't even matter what she says. I guess that's why I suck at writing dialogue and can't put conversations together to write a play. The words don't reach my ears, they only reach my body. They attack me and beat me till I cry. "You have no sense of money! You think you deserve everything! I spend so much money on you and you don't appreciate it at all!!" I spent $80 on my mom's Christmas present. I'm actually broke because I spent about $300 on Christmas presents, and I've been very conscious of my money since then. I promise whoever is bothering to read this whole load of depressing, I do appreciate everything my mother does. I try so hard to keep her happy. And yes, it was childish of me to "want more," or really to voice my want, but if she says I'm not an adult, why get mad when I'm being my apparently childish self? I don't know.

I just want my mom to be happy. But it's clear I don't do enough to make her so. At all. So, no, I don't appreciate myself. I doubt I ever will. But at the end of this break, if not sooner, I am threatening to never come back. I will figure out a way to pay for school (even though, hey, I'm emancipated! Paying for college all on my own, with my own money, except that I never see this money/have no control over it/it only pays housing and tuition so I have to buy everything else, even tampons and toothpaste, with my own money/my money could be gone at any minute) on my own. I got offered a scholarship and I dunno. I just can't do this anymore.
I can't take shutting myself in my room to cry. On a daily basis.
I don't even have a lock on my door, so anyone could waltz right in and laugh in my face.

Great. If I'm the core of such a beautiful planet, what happens when I'm gone. Does everything fall apart? (with my family, yes).



I want to go home.

repeating

so much shit going on in my head. i just want to escape with you.