in you is everything.

Y'all can be expecting an interesting post sometime soon. :D

Relevant

I will always, always love and connect to this song. It's so relevant in my life and so beautiful and so sad. I don't know how to explain it (nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore), but I struggle with loving myself. In some ways, I feel like this song is about that. The acceptance of who I am. And I really do want somebody to love me for who I am. I want to be me and feel free and happy. I want to love myself, I want to be unashamed. To embrace me and my life. I feel like this whole thing reminds me that it's okay to be human and have feelings. It's okay to have a bad day or to be scared and want someone to hug you. It's okay to want someone to love me. I want you to love me. Do you love me? I think I'm finally beginning to love myself.

I'm so scared to ask for help.

Sometimes I really hate the things you do. You make me sad and I don't want to admit it but it's true. I'm mad. And stressed and very upset and I just want company god damn it. I'm sick of spending days alone in my room reading or doing homework. I don't know what to do with myself. fuck you. I wish you just tried to show that you cared or something. I'm always thinking of you and going out of my way to try and do nice things for you. And I know you don't ask for it. I want to do it. I just wish you wanted to do the same thing for me.


 

10 things I hate/love.

Things I hate:

1. Myself. And I don't mean this in the worst way, I'm just in a bit of a negative mood. But I always feel like I haven't accomplished anything or I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm not doing enough. I get lectured a LOT on what I should or shouldn't do and it makes me very uneasy. Is being me wrong? That's how I feel sometimes. As though everyone is telling me that I, myself, am wrong. 
2. People. People suck and they get really annoying. It's weird because at the same time, I'm head over heels for people. It's just that sometimes I feel so disconnected from them, from these people. And I watch these people and I just can't fathom them or their lives, and once again, it makes me uneasy. I just feel out of place with people. Either that or I'm jealous of them, and therefore hate them.
3. My body. We're jumping back to things about me, I guess. This one's very concrete. I have always hated the way I look. I hate my nose and want a nose job. I hate my hair so I dyed it, but now I miss being blonde. Now I miss being natural and I dunno.. I want to love who I am naturally. And then I workout so much and work so hard to stay slim and in shape but then sometimes I overeat and I just get fat all over again and I hate myself.
4. Copycats. I don't think it's a form of flattery and it's honestly always bothered me. Especially when the copier doesn't just come out and admit to copying or even admit to "being inspired" or anything. Please just acknowledge it. Please.
5. Being sick or lightheaded. Feeling as though I'm not capable of doing the things I want to do.
6. I really hate being alone.
7. Broken headphones. Music has forever been my constant therapy and savior. Maybe this is why I'm making a list of things I hate. I haven't been able to listen to my iPod in weeks and I'm definitely dying.
8. Opinionless people. When people don't say what they want, I die a little inside. First of all, if I care about you, I value your opinion. I really genuinely want to know what you want. So you not telling me kind of sucks that way. And then like... Not saying what you want, and acting based on what you think will make you "good" or "bad" or whatever. Oh goodness, please. No one really has that right to judge your actions and define you and prescribe those words to you. I'm certainly not God. And I find it to be so much more meaningful if you do whatever you think the "right" thing is, not because you think it's right, but because you WANT to. What do you want?
9. Farting. Ew.
10. Milk.

Things I love:

1. Myself. Or at least I try to. I really do try to see the creativity and passion and zest that other people apparently see. I've been told that people are drawn to my positive aura, and I really do try to see and acknowledge and give myself credit for things like that. Yay self!
2. People. People are just absolutely lovely. Have you ever witnessed someone do a good deed? It's absolutely breathtaking. This whole planet is just full of beautiful specimens, doing beautiful things.
3. My body. I work out on a regular basis and I have the abs to prove it. I'm very proud of my dedication and how far I've come. I love being sore and knowing I worked my body hard. I love getting stronger and more in shape. It makes me proud of myself! And yes, I do want to show it off. I love my body! Or I'm at least starting to love it more and more. One day I'll maybe love my face.
4. Raspberries! These things are legitimately heaven on earth. But for the sake of recent events, I also love blueberries and giggling with you about how they won't spoil our marriage. A perfect moment really. Perfect.
5. Giggling. You make me giggle a lot and giggling always makes me happy. I love that giggling is absolutely contagious and fun; I love that when one giggles, one's worries always disappear. I love the crooked tooth grin of yours and the crows feet you get when you giggle. I even love how much I squint my eyes when I'm in a moment of pure joy. That's what giggling is to me.
6. Falling asleep in your arms. Always. This will always be one of my absolute favorite things ever. I love when you get all cuddly and squeeze me tight. You make me feel safe and wanted and important. 
7. Happy music. It always puts a smile on my face and cheers me up.
8. Learning new languages. I know I complain a lot because I struggle with pronunciation, but I find there to be something so magical about words and different languages. I love learning French and thinking in German and the little bit of Armenian that I know. It's enchanting and exciting and I love it. I want to become multilingual. I want to become advanced proficient in body language... Yum.
9. When we cook dinner together. Even though we've still never been on a real date, I sometimes think I prefer our cooking dates. There's just something so special and intimate about cooking with that silly fella you adore. Really. I adore you.
10. You. 

You. The gestalt you and your lips and everything attached to them. You and your soul and your magnificent body and the unique thoughts that run through your head. Your crazy drawings and the way your eyes sparkle and you always make me laugh and you. All of you. Really, all of you. I can't even go on... Just all of you.

Landing on floating island of the gods

Landing on floating island of the gods without invitation, form of deafness exemplified by reckless flying. Long lost loves caught in the tempest, as my wings clipped back in an unnatural manner. This twist of fate and foreign weather has left me without my feathers. Am I a chicken ready to be roasted? Surprise, surprise, because I glance into the ethereal waters. Surprise, surprise, because here I am staring into the silvery liquid. Too deaf to speak my own words, I open the mouth inside my head. It says: “Daaamn! Who needs feathers anyway? I look like some serious gourmet shit.” 

Something I'm working on... Feel free to give feedback! (please do..!)

What started as him stooping to kiss my face in the marigold field turned into my arms clinging to his neck under the willow tree, and then into our limbs entangling as we sunk into the welcoming ground beside Lake Grok. We never once considered taking a step forward or back, because we didn’t have to, our bodies did that for us. Running his fingers through my hair, he stretched his fingers out across the back of my neck. This allowed him to hold me in place as my body pulsated against his. We were in a gold room, we were in the lake, we were under the moon. The sky was once a cobalt blue, now painted with strokes of purple.