Scared

It really scares me when you say that "you at your best attracts me to you most," because it makes me feel as though i always, always, always have to be at my best. blindly typing this as tears run down my eyes. i'm sorry i get so sad i just hate being alone. i feel a lot of weight in this and we all know i put in much more effort and it's slowly eating me and i'm scared. i can't be perfect, but i feel the need to be for you. of course i want to be perfect for you, but it's more than that. i feel as though i have to be. and that scares me. because i'm not. and here i am crying myself to sleep again and i try so hard to make you happy and all i want are your arms wrapped around me. the one night we had together you rolled over. your back to me. i don't remember us not sleeping entangled. it scared me. it scares me. your arms always make me feel safe and in that moment they were gone, you were gone. just like you're gone now. and i'm alone and hiding in a hole that i've dug for myself. someone is walking over my grave and maybe it's for the best, maybe it's what i deserve. i don't know if i'm blaming myself or you but in many ways i'm more than mad at you and almost ready to completely let go and be indifferent towards. you. almost ready, because at the same time i'm getting more and more emotionally attached to you and that in its self makes me hate, well, me. because i shouldn't be giving in so easily. i'm stronger than this and i will not rely on you. fuck you. fuck me. i'm crying again. i hate feeling so alone. my bones are quaking, my fingers shaking. i can't.