nothing new

I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this. Go on being insignificant and having no friends and always ending up alone. I wish we could just do something together. I don't feel special to you, I don't feel special to anyone. And I'm sick of not mattering. I just wish someone would care about me. All I want is a friend. I've said this a thousand times and it feels like my wish will never come true. Whenever I'm with people I can feel myself disappear. I just don't feel comfortable with anyone anymore. I don't know if I even feel comfortable with you anymore. Or me for that matter. I don't even know who I am or what I want. I guess I want to feel special and important to someone for once.

Today I was going to ask you to go to my favorite place ever with me. I had it all planned out. And I couldn't even bring myself to ask you. I can't ask you for anything it seems. It also seems as though you always want to be with other people and not me.

Maybe I'm imagining all of this. I really hope I am and that this is just pms or something. I don't want to go to bed crying again but I know I will.

I guess I just feel forgotten. Or insignificant. Or something terrible. Terrible. I feel terrible. Why is it that you never ask about my day? Am I not important to you? I know you don't even bother to read my blog any more so I guess there's no point to me even writing this. I'm a ghost slipping through your fingers. I wish I could haunt you but I can't bring myself to do it.

How to Love Oneself

I get really scared sometimes. I get lonely and sad. I hate looking in a mirror. Even when I'm not having a bad day, even when I don't feel forgotten, I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I look and I cannot fathom how anyone could ever think otherwise. And my inability to see myself as you see me truly upsets me. I wish I could see the beauty in myself. I try so hard to, it's just a bit too hard sometimes. I feel like a burden sometimes and then I look in the mirror and I don't want to be around me. So why would you? Sometimes I wish you'd be a bit more vocal about these kinds of things because as much as I hate to admit it, part of me still needs to hear that you like the way I look or my company or my giggle. I'm really trying to get better, to see myself in a new light. One day I will be fully confident and assured of myself. But right now... I get a little lost. And I'm not entirely sure who I am. I've found myself wishing that I could have seen you last year, when you were a little less developed and a little unsure of yourself. I guess I feel as though everyone knows who they are except me. I'm still trying to feel out the waters. I'm still trying new things and experimenting, and everyone else seems to have already tried everything without me. So yes, I guess I do feel alone. Out of place, always. I feel that I'm behind on these experiences that everyone else has already had. Everyone else has grown up without me. Will I always be a lost boy? I wish I knew who I really was.
Sometimes I wish someone could write a paragraph describing me, faults included. I wish they'd write at the end "you're perfect and I love everything about you." Maybe I need to do that. Because I need to learn how to love me. I need to learn how to not be afraid anymore. I need to learn how to cast away my fears.
I guess it's worth a shot...


My name is Cassandra and I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I've been told that allowing yourself to cry just proves that you're strong. Maybe my tears are something to be proud of. I'm a dreamer. It's funny because... Previously, I always knew I was a dreamer. But somewhere along the past few years, I lost my ability to dream. This is the first time I've admitted that I still can. This is the first time I've admitted that I will always be a wide-eyed little dreamer. And despite however large and rash my dreams may seem, I will reach every single one. I don't give up. No matter how many nights I spend falling apart in my bed, I always manage to get up in the morning. Because I am a dreamer and each day is waking into a bright new dream. These dreams are my lighthearted sighs stolen beneath the moon and the way I tend to find myself captivated by you. I wear my heart on my sleeve. My emotions seem to be much more extreme than my peers. I'm not simply happy or sad, I'm exuberant or depressed. However, this allows me to grasp at life and throw my hands in the air - whether from joy or surrender. I'm a human being and I embrace every emotion. I take deep breaths to clear my head and cry happy tears when I witness other people receiving the things they deserve. I love noticing the breathtaking colors that the universe has given us, or when my gaze falls upward and I take in enormity of this magnificent universe. I get scared, yes. But I face my fears. I face my fears and often in doing so, I find myself. I remember my love of books and words. The fact that I'm always looking a word up in the dictionary or for a story to hear. I find myself in the songs I find escaping my lips on a daily basis. My devotion to celebrating the world through art and words. Sometimes I almost forget my love of children and the way caring for them makes me glow. I always find myself in their bubbly little faces. I find myself in the way time stops with you. The way I want nothing more than to lay with you and feel your essence. The way I all too often pour my soul out to you. Sometimes it's a series of too many text messages, or crying over the tiny things, or asking you to come give me a hug. But at least I'm (apparently) good at communication. And even with tears running down my cheeks, I am beautiful. I have a love of all things in the world, an ability to genuinely try and succeed in finding the magnificence in every situation. I am a fighter and a lover. A protector of everyone I love. A protector of the people that I may not know. Some people have called me selfless, but it's not even that. I'm just being me. I'm being Cassie and trying my hardest to do anything I can to make any other living thing just a little bit happier. Even if it is just for a few moments. And that is truly rare, to make such an effort for such a small feat. I am unique. Maybe even my own work of art, "The dreamer who cries of happiness at other's fortunes," "the green-eyed soul who will do anything to make you smile," "the tiny giant who will create something worth remembering," One day I will change the world. One day, I will inspire another girl, similar to me, to do the same. One day I'll inspire her to not be afraid to dream. I am crying much harder now, but... There's something beautiful about my mind. I'm so scared to like myself. Why?  I am a human being and there is something about the way my eyes light up when I'm happy and my cheeks get sore from smiling and I could float away on a single moment. There's something so special about existence, about my existence. I am unique and unprecedented. And I am beautiful. The gestalt me is beautiful, even on the outside. There's no one else in this world like me. I am perfect as I am. Perfect as Cassandra or Cassie or Cassafrass. Perfect as my being and soul. I am finding myself... And I love myself. I love who I am.


I am trying to learn how to love myself.

save some time for me

I tend to miss you a lot when you go, especially since you go a lot. Why are you always the one leaving me? I guess sometimes I wish you'd run to me instead. But it'll happen, or I at least hope it will. I hope that one day you'll act on how you feel. That one day you'll grab me and kiss me. That one day you'll admit to never wanting to let me go. That you'll admit to wanting me, to wanting me to keep you company, to wanting to kiss me. I pray that one day you find yourself able to put in the effort you want to put in. I'm not sure if you're scared or just busy. But I hope one day you have time for me. Maybe one day you'll be throwing rocks at my window again, asking to see me. I miss the days when you would come to me. I only wish they'd come back. I know you feel the same way I do. Please show it. Please prove me right. Please love me the way I love you. Don't let me go.

Requited love.

All I want is for you to care. I wish you were here to kiss me goodnight (in general, I wish you would kiss me goodnight). I love you. Sweet dreams.

don't you let me go, let me go tonight

If only you were here holding me, so that you could not let me go. 

“We are all future butterflies who think, wrongly, that we are just slugs. And we are evolving, whether we admit it or not, into something else. Something with wings.” — Jeffrey J. Kripal

Have I told you how magnificent the world we live in is? I've been having an incredibly rough few weeks, but I just made a decision that has lifted a load off of my shoulders. I've decided not to go on the service trip. After a very grueling day filled with crying over stress, and eventually starting to get sick, I realized that it'd be stupid of me to go. I'm starting to get sick because I am stressing over studying, which means that by the end of the week, I doubt I'll be peachy keen and ready to hop into a car and go play with children. I'll probably want to sleep for 48 hours straight. In which case, I'd miss the whole trip I paid for. Not only would I be going on the trip most likely ill, but I'd be ignoring my own psychological well-being. Honestly, this is what I've learned from these terrible few weeks: I have to allow myself to breathe. I have to allow myself to be happy. I can't lock myself in my room studying. I have to allow myself to want things and to get the things that I want. Sometimes, it's necessary to be selfish.
So starting tomorrow I'm going to allow myself to enjoy life. I kept bawling my eyes out over the fact that I wasn't living, that I was simply existing, instead of going out and embracing this beautiful town that I live in! Tomorrow I'm going to go on a run after which I will treat myself to reading and Starbucks. Then I'll get back to studying. Once I've relaxed a little, I'll allow myself to study - outside! I'll sit in this magnificent weather and study. Maybe I'll even work on my short story because I know I'll be feeling inspired. I think I'll break out my watercolors and paint or maybe get the balls to visit Jack at work because who knows? There are so many things I can do, there are so many possibilities! I can do it all. I'm going to have a fantastic day. I'm glowing as I write this.

And then during spring break, I am going to allow myself to relax. But not only that... I am going to allow myself to do all the things I've been wanting to do. Like go on hikes with Jack or tan on Farrand or finally read a book from my growing list. I'm going to let myself breathe. And I'm going to be happy.
I am happy.

And if it wasn't for Jack supporting me through everything, I don't know where I'd be. So here's a picture of us lovebirds last weekend. I actually have a handful more that I'll show y'all in a later blogpost.

I actually think it's my favorite picture of us so far, but Jackalope already beat me and made it his profile picture!

And please! Please! Comment on this blogpost! Tell me what makes you happy! What do you do when your down? How to you manage to stay positive when things around you seem to be terrible. I've had so many page visits and readers lately and I want to get to know each and every one of you. And if your sad, tell me, let me help you. I know from experience that you can always find something to be thankful for or generally happy about. There is always a silver lining. Life is worth living. This world is absolutely fantastic. Always. You are not a slug, rather, you are emerging into the most beautiful of butterflies.

xoxo, foxy

Today my mom told me that she wished she could somehow be here to bring me raspberries and I wish so too. I just want to be near someone. I just want a hug. I just want to do something for me but I can't. It's a curse. I wish I could just walk right up to you and kiss you because I miss you so much but I'm always scared you'll get mad at me or something. I wish I could call you up and have you come over but I'm scared you'll tell me I'm feeling sorry for myself. I just want to be near another human being. I hate being alone.
I miss my mom a lot.

Last week I found something I had previously written, in which I begged whatever all mighty power, to please let me pass in my sleep. It breaks my heart to say this, but right now I wish it had happened. I feel so worthless always. So alone. I feel like I'm going to get no where in life. And the worst... I feel like I'm not really living. I feel like I'm wasting away, I feel like I'm wasted potential. Someone else could be living my life and they could be happy. Someone else deserves to be alive and well and I'm honestly not sure I deserve anything. I mean, if I'm not really living, if I'm just wasting away in my dorm room always studying, then what's the point?
Why am I still here?
I could never kill myself. I could never hurt the people I love. But I feel like such a waste of breath. I can't do anything right.

In response to being considerate, why I hate being "good"

Because I always end up alone. I don't know if being nice or caring somehow makes me less interesting or makes people want to be with me less, but I always end up alone. I hate being nice because I always become a second thought, no one ever puts me first. It's as though people get so used to me putting them first and doing nice things for them, that they forget to do the same for me. Like that movie we made plans weeks in advance to go to the screening of (actually it was months in advance because I've been talking about it since January).
And I hate that I'm nice because it makes me scared to have feelings. I'm scared to be upset. So I couldn't even tell you how sad it made me, especially since that's not the first time our plans from forever ago have been pushed aside for something else. I hate that if I'm upset about something, I'm apparently feeling sorry for myself. Why can't I just be mad or sad? Why can't I be stressed when I have so many tests or exams that I become a hermit? Why can't I be lonely?
I will never forget the day you told me you thought I was feeling sorry for myself when I tried to open up to you. Do you realize how terrified I now am to tell you how I feel? I'd rather just cry in front of you then tell you that I'm upset because I can't tell you how I feel. And I am upset! I'm sick of trying to see you always and you having a significantly less interest in seeing me. I won't say you don't want to see me. Maybe you still want to see me just as much as I see you, but you don't do anything about it. I've been trying so hard to make friends and every time I make plans with someone they let me down.
And yes, I do sometimes regret agreeing to be official because you stopped doing things for me. You stopped coming to my room to kiss me without me having to beg you to come see me. You stopped even agreeing to try and see movies with me or take me out on hikes or do couple things. We don't even talk about that stuff anymore. I try not to suggest it any more because I know it's not going to happen. What's the point? You're always busy. Unless it's me coming over your house. Unless it's sex. Unless it's you proving yourself to your frat and needing to walk in with a girl.

I'll admit, I'm exaggerating a bit. Or not necessarily exaggerating, but specifically pointing out all the negatives. I truly am sorry for that because you really aren't any of this to me. You're unbelievably fantastic to me. But I'm upset. I'm upset and I don't feel comfortable saying so or asking you to take me on a date or go to a screening with me or anything. I feel bad when I do. I feel so conceited or greedy when I ask you for things. I just want to be with you. But now even that's slipping away.


It's not about the non existent dates or missing the screening. It's not about you coming to my room or me going to your house. It's that I miss you and I feel like I'm losing you. It's that I miss you and I feel like you've forgotten me. I don't think you're ignoring me. I think you've forgotten me. You've forgotten me.



Maybe I should just go on the trip. Maybe then I'll forget you too.

I will not be delicate.

I miss having friends. I miss being loved platonically. I miss not having a care in the world. Why am I stressed and alone so often? Is some great power trying to break me? I will not be delicate.


(I still miss having friends though... I'm really trying to make some. I've been reaching out to people and trying to make plans with them. Maybe some day soon it will actually work.)

How to be a Considerate Human Being

The world can be such a bizarre place. It's humourous to me because people are always complimenting me and saying that I'm a phenomenal person, yet I just feel as though I'm being a considerate human being.
For example, as a college student, I have witnessed many a black-out drunk or beyond high person. Although I, myself, have never been there, I realize that if I were in the situation, I would want another person to take care of me so that I don't fall out of a window or something.
Two nights in a row now, I have offered a helping hand to those under the collegiate weekend ailment.
Last night, I fed a black-out drunk girl (who was a total stranger to me) thin mints, water, and kept her consciously thinking and talking to me. I asked her questions about her major and tried to find her friends to take her home. Once her stomach settled and her friends were still nowhere to be found, I helped put her to bed in a safe way, making sure she was on her side and such.
And then tonight, while staying in studying (yes, I'm studying on a Friday night), I made two trips to the bathroom. On the first, I noticed a seemingly drunk girl guzzling from the sink, washed my hands, and went on my merry way, making a mental note to check on her in fifteen minutes or so. Well I did check on her, I had drank a lot of water myself and my bladder couldn't handle it. So I went back to the bathroom, this time finding the girl on the floor, under the sink. I was immediately worried. Although the girl lives in the same hallway as me, I am not close to anyone other than my roommate. We find the girls in our hall a tad bit too superficial for our liking and thus try to keep our distance. Still, I could not leave someone stranded on the floor in a state of mind I could only describe is "goop." I started talking to the girl, offering her the little food I have in my room (celery - but hey, it's water based, so it'd be good for her!), asking if she was okay and if there was anything I could do for her. Although she turned down my celery, she thanked me more times than I can count and even said I love you. After I peed, I talked to her again to make sure she was okay. She wished me luck on my studying, and I'm back in bed. Clearly a superhero (sarcasm). To be honest, I'll probably check on her again in a bit. I need to brush my teeth and wash my face anyway, so it's not a hassle to me.
In my opinion, any person should do this. It takes two seconds to ask someone "Are you okay?" and it's more than worth it, it's just being considerate. I'm not saying you have to do what I do and feed them or put them to bed, but you should at least try to reach out to someone.

So how do you be a considerate human being? By doing something nice for someone else, especially when it only takes a few minutes of your time. Such as holding a door open or asking them if they're okay.


I don't really know what I'm getting at. My Spring Break starts in a week (after a week of three exams, four tests, a giant final project, etc, etc...) and I'm supposed to be going on a service trip to volunteer as a camp counselor. I've been spending so much time studying (and helping people who are under the influence) that I haven't had any time for me. I guess I realized that the service trip is an added stress, when I really need to take a break. On top of that, there's a lot of studying that I would probably benefit from doing that week. My father has made it clear to me that he wants me to back out of the trip and focus on my school work... But does that make me a terrible person? The more I think about it, the more I think I should go on the trip. I feel obligated, yes, but I also feel like maybe spending a week helping little kids may brighten my day and relieve a bit of my stress. Maybe. I emailed the people in charge explaining my predicament and asking for advice or information that might help me to make my decision, but have yet to get a response. I also have yet to pay the second deposit because no one has given me any information on it, which is honestly stressing me out even more. I have so much that I feel as though I have to do, and all I want is to fall asleep in my boyfriend's arms.

To be a considerate human being, do I also have to be considerate to my own personal well-being? But if I drop out of a service trip, am I a bad person? Am I letting my peers down? To be a considerate human being, do I have to be considerate of them or me first?
And what really is best for me? I miss my friends. I miss relaxing. I feel so cooped up spending hours in my room studying. What did I do for myself today? I ordered my mom a book as a present. That's the kind of thing that makes me happy, making others happy. So maybe I should go on the trip and make others happy. Wouldn't that just make me happy and relieve my stress?
Maybe.
I hope so.

jesus christ

"Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead?"

Crying

I don't care if you're "not going to be fun to be around," I don't care if you're going to be asleep while I do homework, or playing video games while I curl up and nap. That's all so insignificant to me. What matters to me is spending time with you. Especially since I'm realizing more and more just how little time we have together because I won't be seeing you this summer. I so badly want to talk to you about it because it's weighing on my shoulders but it makes me upset so I don't want to bring it up. Sometimes I feel like I never see you. I know that if I wasn't always the person reaching out and wanting to see you, I wouldn't. You never reach out to me. You never call me or text me first. I'm always the person asking if we'll be sleeping together at night. Sometimes I feel as though my presence is so insignificant to you.
Why don't you care about me?

All I want is your presence. Being with you makes me happy always. You make me feel safe. But sometimes I feel as though you don't want to be around me. Not even. At least if you didn't want me to be around, you'd care to some extent. But I feel insignificant to you. And your indifference breaks my heart. I hate how worthless you sometimes make me feel.

I wish you'd just initiate something. I wish you'd reach out and ask me to come over or something. I miss you. And it sometimes feels as though you don't miss me. You say you do, but none of your actions prove it. Will you ever follow through and prove to me that you're thinking of me when I'm not around? I dunno.

You often do. Not often, but sometimes. You sometimes prove it to me. And that's what makes it so hard. I put so much trust in you and you only reinforce it when it's starting to waver. I don't know if this makes sense but I'm so sick of always being alone.


That's why I was crying last night. Because all I can think about is how alone I'll be this summer. I'll be somewhere I've never lived before with no one but my Aunt. And I love her, but I'm going to have no friends. Most of the time I don't even feel like I have friends now. I just want some friends. I just want some place to call home. Why do you think I have to go to a whole new state this summer? I honestly don't have any idea where my home is. That's why I cry. Because I am so lost and so alone. Because I am so close to finding somewhere that I feel safe and happy and it already has a possible end date. Is there nothing to look forward to in the future? You say you see our future together but what future. A future till the end of the school year? Will we even make it through the summer? I'm so scared. I'm so terrified.
I don't want to be alone.

Sometimes, I do.

I know I told you that I don't mind, but sometimes I do. And I'm not saying that I want or need you to change... Just that I do sometimes mind what you're doing. And I do sometimes wish you'd stop. But I don't want you stopping for me. I want you stopping for you. There are so many better things you could be doing. Maybe for once we could actually do things regularly together. Special things, I dunno. I'm not asking you to take me to expensive dinners or buy me flowers or any of that. But I want to go places with you. I want to explore and discover with you. I want to exist with you.
And sometimes, I feel as though the things you do keep us from reaching that phenomenal moment of existence.

Love.

I've cried far too many times this week and I hate being alone. I hate how often I feel alone. I hate sleeping alone and spending nights alone. I always try to be there for the people I care about, but they hardly seem to be there to me. All I want is to be chosen. I don't want to have to ask for you to pick me. I don't want to have to ask you to like me or want to hang out with me. I don't feel comfortable inviting myself places that I'm not asked. I wish you'd just tell me you like me and you want to hang out. How come you never call me first? Why is it that I always find myself alone while everyone else is out. No one ever invites me anywhere. The people who call me their best friend only say it because I treat them well. Because I would do anything to make someone else happy. I would do more than anyone could imagine to make a person I love just a little bit happier for a few seconds. It honestly matters to me that much. Your happiness matters to me that much. I only wish my happiness mattered too. I only wish I wasn't crying every time I ended up alone in a room. I only wish I wasn't waiting for someone to show up and kiss me.

Do you ever just look at someone and think "wow, I really love you"? They're just talking or watching a movie, maybe laughing or sleeping or something, and there's a special little spark in them. Their body is alive and there's light in there eyes and something causes the world to stop because you realize you love them. I just really love you.

And happiness always seems so close but so far away. But I keep managing to make myself smile. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe happiness really is that close. Because even though I cried after you left me last night, I fell asleep with a smile on my face. And even though I was just crying a half hour ago, I'm smiling right now. Because this world is such a beautiful place to get lost in. Everything about it is so unique and magnificent and I love you.

Sometimes I recall all the little things. Our first kiss. The purple Christmas lights and you offering me your plaid shirt. Meeting you when you had a mustache. Those first few text messages, joking about what our porn names would be. Giggling over shared blueberries. You always coming immediately to my room to hang out. The first time you did I fell asleep and you slept over and I wanted so badly for you to reach over and wrap your arms around me. The way you kissed my shoulder blades in the morning. You buying me a new copy of my favorite book because someone stole it. And holding me when I finally cried about my parents' divorce. You longboarded to come see me at 3 am because you knew I was upset. And then you held me till it was past 5 and the sun was beginning to come up. Yes, I miss you when you're gone but you still always make me happy.
I'm still going to bed with a smile on my face. And maybe it's not you making me happy, maybe it's me. Maybe I need to give myself more credit... One day. Until then, I'll be dreaming of your lips, always.

You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn’t get any better than this.

-Anonymous

I miss your lips, and everything attached to them. xo.

Annoyed?

I feel as though you're annoyed that I'm nervous. It seems as though you are sick of me, and I really hope that isn't the case. I really hope it isn't. Fuck.