This happens much more often than I'd like to admit.

But I'm just gonna keep reading and making art shit.
Inspirations:

Total light envelops you, it becomes you.

In psych tests on deep space, I ran a number of sensory deprivation trials, tested in total darkness, on flotation tanks - and the point about darkness is, you float in it. You and the darkness are distinct from each other because darkness is an absence of something, it’s a vacuum. But total light envelops you. It becomes you. It’s very strange. I recommend it.
-Sunshine (2007)

I mean this in the most pure and existential and we-are-all-one, infinite, way possible.

And so begins my newfound obsession with space and mysteries and galaxies and light and the sun and I cannot wait to finally buy myself Cosmos by Carl Sagan because it's been on my reading list forever but now it's relevant. I've always been interested in space, as a child I would star gaze and look for planets with my dad, and then study the pages in the back of the dictionary about our solar system. Goodness, we live in such a big place.. I want to embrace everything in the universe and be a part of it and just hug everyone. This is something similar to what I felt reading the last book of the Golden Compass/His Dark Materials trilogy... This oneness. With nature and all people and everything.

Yesterday I finally watched the film "Sunshine," directed by Danny Boyle (28 Days Later, Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours...) and starring Cillian Murphy (Scarecrow in Batman Begins) and also featuring Rose Byrne (I always remember her in Bridesmaids) and Chris Evans (Capt. America)... Surprisingly, I didn't look any of that up to write this. I'm simply blown away by this movie. I found it utterly entrancing and beautiful in ways that are hard to put to words. The cinematography was breathtaking. And the combination of the other-wordly images with the amazing music (John Murphy) was truly a masterpiece. I highly recommend this movie to everyone, because even with the few weaknesses in the storyline (I actually don't mind them, but a lot of reviews did), I think the film still absolutely succeeded. I actually found it to be a bit of a spiritual experience.

For the record, Sunshine is about a team of astronauts sent to reignite the dying sun.

Here are some of the absolutely stunning scenes from the film...

No spoilers: (for better quality of this scene go here I couldn't embed it)

Some spoilers:

Amazing clips with spoilers that cannot be embedded: one | two


So here I am, sinking into both the Sunshine soundtrack (your heart will burst) and some Angels and Airwaves, because they've always been out there in a sort of cosmic way. And this song, A Little's Enough, illustrates a lot of what I'm feeling right now. Because I do have a lot of bad days, everyone does. But a little love is enough. And the instrumental part at the beginning tugs at my soul. Goodness, sometimes I just feel so whole. So a part of everything else. And it's truly limitless.

"A Little's Enough"

When all is said and done 

Will we still feel pain inside? 

Will the scars go away with night? 

Try to smile for the morning light

It's like the best dream to have 

Where every thing is not so bad 

Every tear is so alone 

Like God himself is coming home to say 

I, I can do anything 

If you want me here 

And I can fix any thing 

If you let me near 

Where are those secrets now

That you're too scared to tell 

I'd whisper them all aloud 

So you can hear yourself 

Green trees were the first sign 

The deepest blue, the clearest sky

The silence came with the brightest eyes 

And turned water into wine 

The children ran to see 

The parents stood in disbelief 

And those who knew braced for the ride 

The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything 

If you want me here 

And I can fix anything 

If you let me near 

Where are those secrets now 

That you're too scared to tell

I whisper them all aloud 

So you can hear yourself 

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad 

Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad 

The cure is if you let in just a little more love

I promise you this, a little's enough

[x6]

(Just a little...)

It's just weird because I've never heard you say you wanted that before. I've never heard you say that you want the same profession I want and I wish you would just come out and say that maybe I've inspired you to pursue this or something or at least point out that it blatantly seems as though you're copying me because this is the shit you always pull and it's aggravating. You're aggravating.
And I'm really incredibly fed up with you always talking about yourself. You've told me the same stories multiple times because... Well I really couldn't tell you why. You want to garner attention so badly you have to tell me everything five times? I just... It's so unnecessary and I don't care. I really don't care about every little detail. You've lost your mystery to me. I feel as though I know everything you're going to say before you say it and that's because you've already said it. It's boring. And I cannot fathom why you feel the need to try and get my attention. I don't get it. It's so unnecessary. I'm not a boy you're trying to impress or something. Why are you trying to impress me? You're trying to hard and it disgusts me.
I'm just fed up and you're like a broken record and you give me a headache.

Letter

My homework for my Fiction Writing class was to write my professor a letter introducing myself...

Rachel, 

            My name is Cassandra. Most people pronounce it a different way than I do, so I try to understand when I’m called the wrong name. Almost everyone outside of the professional world calls me Cassie, which I find to be lightweight and reflecting of my playful nature. However, as a writer, I prefer Cassandra. I even use the pen name Cassandra Fox (Fox is my grandmother’s maiden name and the fox is my spirit animal). 

            I’m hunched in the dark, losing my mind to the painstakingly mournful music that permeates my room. My purple and yellow socks usually stand full mast at my calves, but have fallen into wrinkled heaps at my ankles. This is me. This is me surrendering to my midnight illness, the plague of this young fox’s mind. Reaching down to grab my bright pink and orange flower cup, I take a long gulp of something other than water. Foxes are known for being cunning, and I have begun to believe that their ability to achieve through deceit is based upon their complete awareness of the world.  

           Sometimes I stare wide-eyed at the world and wonder if it is my awareness that makes me so vulnerable to my mind when I am alone in the inky depths of darkness. 

            The cunning fox will never allow you to know how she feels, so she will hide her vulnerabilities at all costs. However, her awareness of the world means that she is also aware of herself and, because of this, she is aware that hiding her wounds will only make them hurt more. She must first allow them to heal in the forest a breeze. As every fox knows, you can trust no one but yourself. She finds her breath of relief in writing, because she is opening up to a different world, one where open wounds in the forest are not her downfall. Once she worried who might come across the words she so carefully chewed, but the fox realized that with words, all things are possible. 

             With words, the cunning fox stands in a bipedal manner, her two long legs stretching for miles beneath her strong torso. This is her mask. The fox grows from forest floor to busy street, stopping only to run her fingers through her long hair. The red hair and green eyes are all that are left of her past life, but now the cunning fox is free to achieve her desires through deceit. Now she can be vulnerable, because she is being someone else. In the shadows she writes out her worries and pains, waiting till the morning when the sun will shine again. 

            As a fox, she is more than capable of surviving on her own in the wild, but as a human being, there is nothing that hurts her more than being alone with her thoughts at night. And so she writes. 

 Cassandra

right now.

You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.
-Richard Siken

-Richard Siken

I'm sorry. I wish you were here to hold me and I sorry. I want to tell you when I'm hurting but I'm scared I'll hurt you. I miss you and I'm so bad at everything and I'm sorry.

I just can't.

I'm trying to take deep breaths but I'm shaking and I'm shaking and I just can't (breathe?). Outstretched hands in front of me, quivering. This is why I hate my name and the price that comes with it. The curse of knowing the future and not being able to stop the cracks in the pavement. Have I ever told you about this? No, of course not. I seem crazy. Hand shaking, skittering. Crazy. My breath shudders because what else is there to do. I am stuck in a loop, taking the first bite of an apple over and over again but never the last licking of lips. Never the satisfaction. It's a sore feeling I get in my kneecaps every time, the memory of sprinting until they knock together and my whole body folding in half. I am nothing more than fabric in the wind, the catching of the sunlight in what is left of your broken glass. There is the cut from the glass from the dream I once had, and you lay among it all, sweet syruped lies dripping from your lips. How many times did you tell me it would all be okay? Could you stop time to stop the itching in my bones? Can we keep the glass from dropping? Because no one should be crying over spilled milk, but here I am ripping my guts out of my stomach to show them to an anonymous source. And I'm pretty sure this nightmare is the worst of all, shadowy hands reaching away from my body, to grab what I can only hope is mine. Something other than my intestines, a noose wrapped softly along my neck taking place of the fingerprints and kisses you once left. You're gone. I've shot up, eclipses instead of eyes, and there are the withered tears again. It's not spilled milk I'm crying over, it's not. I just can't bring myself to breathe, so instead I heave, and cough up the glass I choked down. There is a whisper wrapping around my soul, and I'm praying it crushes me before my vision becomes whole. Maybe I should have gouged my eyes out before the feeling of my heart pounding against my chest stopped me in my tracks. Here I am frozen, watching the same moment over and over again. The pure white snow covering up the pain that your tracks made. The tracks being made again, and the snowflakes falling again, and the dancing and the same moment over and over again. I don't want to watch you leave, but there are your tracks walking away from me. And there is the snow. I don't want you to go.

Wanting you.

taken and edited by the ever lovely Sarah Robinson

Unloading the words that are swimming in my mind, under my skin...
I want to go on a date with you. Sometimes I regret agreeing to date you before we went on a date because sometimes I feel as though we will never get the chance to actually go on one. And it makes me sad. I want to get dressed up for you, I have multiple date outfits planned just for you. I want to giggle and be intimate over dinner and have deep conversations and dive into your thoughts. I want to get to know you more and more, over drinks and dessert. I'm curious what you'll order and whether you'll pull out my chair or we'll both lean in to whisper sweet nothings. I want those moments with you.
It doesn't even have to be a dinner date, I'll do anything one on one with you! I'll volunteer with you or cook you dinner or serenade you into the night. I still owe you a homemade pie and I want to make pizza for you or play silly board games or even play truth or dare. I want us to go back to getting to know each other, because even though I know your presence, there' so much more I want to know about you. Let's ask each other a billion questions and really force raw truth and open up. I love when we open up.
I simply want spend more time with you, getting to know and adore you. And I feel bad saying this because you're sick right now and I feel so bad. I just feel so bad. I'm trying my hardest to take care of you, but there's only so much I can do. I just want to make you feel better. I try to rub your back even when my arms get heavy, and cradle your head when you rest on my shoulder. I try to hold your hand when you reach for me and sing to you and comfort you. Because you make me so happy and you really do deserve it. I just want to take care of you.

And I wish we could have gone out to eat for your birthday. I wish I hadn't been sick because I wanted to take you out. I just want to go places with you, I want to camp out under the stars or squeeze your hand in a scary movie theatre. I want to show you off to the world, but even more so... I want to get lost in our own little world. Just me and you.

Just me and you.
xo

 

unfair.

What you do is so unfair to me. I don't know if you realize the weight of your own pain, that you put upon my shoulders. I want to help you. I've tried so hard to make you happy and make you have hope and all these things but you continue to bash everything. And then you tell me that you're alone. I'M THERE FOR YOU EVERY TIME YOU NEED SOMEONE AND YOU COMPLAIN THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU. At this point it's just fucking mean. You live across the country and you're stressing me out and making me feel as though I hold your life. I'm so scared that if I break away, you will attempt suicide. You just texted me about killing yourself and I don't know how to help you. I try so hard, I try so hard. I've sat on the phone with you for hours trying to comfort you and be there for you and it's getting to the point where I do not know what else I can do. I want to help you, but you won't let yourself get help. I'm trying. I'm trying but this is too much. It's unfair for me to give so much to you and you to tell me you have no one. It's unfair for you to drain me. It's unfair for you to get mad at me and it's unfair. It's just unfair. You make me cry all the time. I can't hold you up forever. I'm trying so hard but you're making me weak and you're making me a mess. Every time I devote a day to trying to help you pick up the pieces, I get depressed. It's a plague, I know, and I don't blame you. You're not trying to hurt me, but you are. I was so depressed I started to sabotage myself and attacked the relationship I care about the most right now. I can't have that. I don't want that. It's unfair to me.

You make other people feel alone because you feel alone, and it's not fair. You can't force your depression and destruction on other people. Eventually you're going to have to pick yourself up. Pick yourself up.

Hey, you.

You make me so happy I don't even know how to express it. Sometimes I just sit here and smile and don't know what to do because I'm too radiant to function. Goodness, I miss you when you're gone, but seeing you anew is always all worth it. You make me believe in myself, I'm not quite sure how you do it, but you make me feel beautiful and worth it. Living life with you is my breath of fresh air and my embracing the sunshine. I often think you're the cause of all good weather because you genuinely brighten my day. Sometimes my thoughts get jumbled and I get sad and I want you to know that it's all in my head. But you're helping me to use my heart more and more each day. So thank you. I can't wait to fall asleep in your arms.

Glowing.

I was thinking a lot because that's what I always do. I was thinking about some of our recent conversations and ways I could have better explained myself. All of a sudden, in my head, I was saying "because I trust you." I really do trust you and it's scary to me because often the people I've trusted have hurt me the most. But with you it's not as scary. I trust you. And I'm laying here thinking about the fortune cookies you gave me because you know I collect fortunes and the sweet pea lotion because I always call you Sweet Tea and how you got me a copy of my favorite book and I'm actually starting to tear up as I write this. I know I sometimes get caught in my own thoughts... But my goodness, I can feel my heart glowing right now. You make me so happy. And I really do trust you. And I think I do fit into your life. You're right about so many things, and I just love existing with you. I can't wait till I can kiss you next, my Sweet Tea, because you're as lovely as ever and you make me glow.
Thank you.

and we'll go to sleep, but this time not alone, no...

Right now I want nothing more than your arms holding me and keeping me safe. The chance to look you in the eyes and pour my heart out to you and have you do the same. Right now I want nothing more than your presence, your company, your existence. But right now I don't want to interrupt your life, which is what I always feel like I'm doing. I still feel out of place. I feel as though you deserve better because you deserve the best. And I don't want you to see me like this because you say it makes you hurt and I don't want that. I've never wanted that and I probably never will. But I want you right now, in every way. I'm just scared to ask for your help. I'm scared you'll walk away from me. I'm scared you'll push me away. I get so scared sometimes, and I don't know what to do. What do I do?

Why do I do this?

I push people away because I would rather be lonely by personal choice and action than be alone because no one cares enough to be in my life.

Becoming Positive.

Something I tend to struggle with is staying positive. It's not that I'm an unhappy person necessarily, but I so easily get trapped in my head - in the worst way possible. As in, I just recently read The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, which is a first person narrative, and I so deeply connected to the thoughts of the main character that it scared me a bit... It honestly continues to scare me. But the difference between Sylvia Plath's writings and me is that I continue to have hope and search for the little amazing things in life. Hence my post a little while ago about things to be happy about. My blog so often gets moody because it is a place for me to unwind when my thoughts are plaguing me, but I want to continue to remind myself that there are wondrous things in the world to embrace and be happy about.

I wrote a relatively long list of New Year's resolutions, not because I feel the need to resolve every aspect of my life, but because in general, there are a lot of things I want to be constantly working towards. For example, my body. I'm always trying to be healthier, but on my resolution list I wrote out how I plan on doing just that. This includes drinking more water (I don't drink soda ever, I almost always drink water, I simply want to drink about 2 liters of water a day), going to bed on time, stretching and meditating daily, working out on a regular basis, eating healthier, etc... The reason why I like to write things out, multiple times, is because it acts as a reminder to myself. When I write these positive thoughts and goals down, or simply say them out loud, I am confirming their importance in my life.

So here is my insanely long list of resolutions, by putting them on my blog, I'm telling the world that I am going to make these important changes in my life. And honestly, to me they are changes for life, these resolutions are the growth I crave as a person. I want to always, always be taking more steps toward these goals, not just for 2013, but for my life. My scanner is misbehaving because my printer is out of black ink, which is silly since the two actions aren't quite connected. But whatevs, maybe one day y'all will get a better picture. Until then, here ya go... (Also, there is no concrete reason why be more flexible is written in purple - it just happened... Awk).

27. WORRY LESS - LOVE MORE.

So now, I'm going to do something that I don't do enough, and I'm sure plenty of other people in the world don't do enough - I'm going to give myself credit. I've already actively been making changes to my lifestyle, and I deserve to be proud of how far I'm coming. On my list I have...

00. sleep

Although I have no doubt this has been affected by the time difference between New Jersey and Boulder, I have been actively going to bed earlier than 1 am, sometimes even earlier than 11 pm! This also means that I've been waking up much earlier, which is lovely. I really want to get into a good sleep schedule with classes starting (tomorrow!!!!) (And yes, I am excited for my classes to start).
3. Drink more water
I'm drinking a glass of water right now. I really am trying to always, always have water. I plan on getting a Brita filter so my roommate and I can always have fresh water in our fridge. I also plan on buying a new, really nice, water bottle when I go buy some of my books from the bookstore. This way, I can always have water with me and can drink it throughout the day. (I plan on buying some books tomorrow and Tuesday; water bottle, here I come!)
4. Be more organized
I got back to Boulder quite early, in fact, I got back before the dorms opened and stayed a night at my boyfriend's house (which I probably would have done any way). He went on a two day skiing trip while I moved back into my dorm. And although I hate being alone more than almost anything else on the planet (new resolution to add to my list: learn to appreciate the beauty in being alone), I got shit done. I unpacked everything from break (usually this takes me a few weeks), color coded my closet, and really started to figure out the important stuff in my life. I got organized not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. I went to the doctor while my boyfriend was away, worked on his birthday presents, and really devoted time to focusing on the things that I value. Plus, before I left to come back to Boulder, I bought myself a very nifty finance book. It has a bunch of folders for receipts and all this awesome organizationy stuff. I am going to use the shit out of this finance book for a variety of reasons and it is kind of empowering. Not only that, but I also have the coolest planner ever, called the "Disappointments Diary." I ordered it all the way from the UK 'cause I'm crazy like that. But it's hilarious and perfect and I love British homour. (Spelled humor with a "u," 'cause duh, British)
Anyway, here's an awesome picture of my color coordinated closet 'cause it's perf and perf. (Sorry about the terrible lighting, roomie and I are planning on installing lights asap)

5. Read more books!

I am no longer an English major, officially a double major in Philosophy and Film with a minor in Creative Writing. Although this is technically much more work, it allows me to devote my time to personal reading! Since the beginning break I've read 2.5 books, which isn't much, but I'm getting back into the reading world! I read Slaughterhouse-Five, The Bell Jar, and am halfway through rereading Skellig! I love diving into my books, it's one of those things that makes me genuinely happy!

6. Do more things for Jack

Recently my lovely boyfriend and I exchanged Christmas presents, and even more recently was his birthday (so pretty much I gave him more presents). To me, this wasn't just about buying things for him, a lot of the effort I put into his presents was personal because I also made him stuff. I don't think I've ever felt so good about the things I've gotten someone. From new art supplies and a sketchbook that I wrote in and personalized (Christmas presents), to an awesome shirt, a book I knew he'd love, and mix CDs that I poured myself into (birthday presents), not only was he a happy camper, but I was over the moon to do these things for my fantastic boyfriend! I can possibly credit the act of giving as the thing that makes me happiest. Period. I love to give, and I especially love to give to the people I care about because it allows me to illustrate the fact that I do care. 

And I've been listening to the CDs/playlists. I'm so proud of them, I even edited some songs in garage band and included a hidden track. Yessssssssss!

I could continue to go on about all the steps I'm taking to making both myself and my life better, but I'm going to stop here. The fact that I could keep listing things, however, says a lot and makes me even more proud of myself. Sometimes I forget to give myself credit for the things I do and the effort I'm constantly putting in, but writing these lists always helps me to smile.

I'm going to end this with some empowering quotes that I plan on also adorning my room with.

And this... I'm sure someone will take what I'm about to say the wrong way, but part of me feels this applies to me. I have no idea what I am and I'm still trying to learn how to appreciate myself, it's the thing I struggle with the most in the world and one of the things I've heard the most from other people. Unprecedented means "without previous incidence; never before known or experienced; unexampled or unparalleled," with synonyms being "unique, extraordinary, exceptional, novel..." I'm not saying that I'm this special pearl or hidden gem, in all honesty, everyone is unique in their own way. I just mean that... I struggle to appreciate my unique differences. I really do have no idea what I am. Whenever someone tells me, I try so hard to grasp it but I cannot yet fathom it. Maybe I never will be able to, but hopefully one day I'll be able to see the beauty in myself. You know?

And my current favorite song EVER you have to listen to it, it's heaven and makes me so giggly-happy. Really just the first line... Perf.

"Well, he feels like an elephant,
shaking his big grey trunk for the hell of it"

I just imagine an elephant shaking his trunk for no concrete reason and it makes me giggle and smile and want to kiss the sky

Not Waving but Drowning

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning. 

-Stevie Smith

Thoughts about you.

This morning after my terrible sickness and you comforting me, you were dozing slightly, your blue eyes opening and shutting every once and a while. I loved your groggy face and rubbing your back and making you feel better because, let's face it, we both felt like shit. When you were just beginning to stir, thoughts were running through my mind and their were so many things I wanted to say to you. I just... I get scared sometimes because the act of saying them out loud.... Is me admitting how true they are.
But I planned it all out in my head, this is what I wanted to tell you:
I love you in the least infinite, romanticized, idealized way possible. I simply love you in this moment, I love the essence of you and your existence. I love your tired eyes and crooked smile. The way you laugh with your whole being and your unique way of viewing the word. In this moment, I want nothing more than to crawl into your arms and feel you squeeze me. I love when you wrap your whole body around me and nuzzle my neck and tell me I'm yours. I miss your lips, Jack. I miss cupping your face in my hands and pulling you towards me. I love the way our bodies dance and our words entangle as we taunt each other. You fill my heart with joy and you bring out the best of me. I'm not saying I love you forever, or that I love you the same way a couple getting married does, but that I love you right now, right here, in this exact moment. You're perfect to me as you are and I love existing with you.

But something else has been plaguing my mind a lot recently. Not from the morning, but... In general, and... I'm so scared to say it out loud to you. I don't fit into your life, Sweet Tea. That's what I've realized. I feel so out of place when I'm with your friends. I don't know I just don't fit. I can't even go into in detail here, because I'm terrified. I wish you'd come over right now and get this out of me because I want to pour my heart out to you. I want to tell you this so we can fix it, I'm just so scared. And I feel so insignificant to you. I guess I want you to make an effort to fit me into your life or something. I don't know. I love losing time with you in your room. I love kissing your skin and making you smile. I love cuddling and talking with our bodies. But in some ways I want more. I want to go on a date with you and I want you to show me off to your friends, instead of me just sitting on the couch while you socialize. I get shy. And you always just introduce me by my name, never really bothering to tell people I'm your girlfriend. Which I completely understand. You shouldn't have to tell people we're dating, but... I want to be the girlfriend you adore not just in private. And yes, we cuddle on the couch in front of everyone. There's that, among other things. But I've started to feel disconnected from others. That's exactly it - I feel out of place with your friends and as though I just don't fit into your life. I want to be a part of your whole life.

To state it more positively: I want to be a part of your whole life. I want to get to know you more and more every day, I want to mean something to you. You know? Because you're a part of my life and you mean something to me and I adore you.




And ps - I feel bad saying this stuff because sometimes (most of the time) I feel as though I have no friends. You have your friends and I don't want to take that away from you. You deserve guy time and stuff, I just wish I had friends to spend time with while you hang out with your friends. You know? Fuck. I'm sorry for being so bad at this.

Lights on

I'm sleeping with the lights on in hope of avoiding bad dreams. And if you ever read these posts, please don't take them personally. Sometimes I really just need to vent and let it all out because it genuinely helps me handle situations. I really do manage and I really just want you to be happy. No worries. Everything will get better and I'm much less upset than you probably think. Trust me. Happy birthday, love.

Scream

I'm furious and upset and very hurt and I want to scream in your face. You've made me cry a lot more than I'd like to admit. And I hate this. And I simply want you to care and put effort in and I'm always so happy when I'm with you. So why is it that I'm with you so little and that you really don't go out of your way for anything and that you say you'll be here tomorrow, but then you're gone? You make me uncomfortably sad and alone because you're constantly pulling the rug out from under my feet. Next time give me notice so I can prepare myself to be falling asleep alone. (Not necessarily falling asleep alone, but laying in my bed, crying, alone; because I hardly sleep, simply cry until I doze off and have nightmares and wake up crying all over again).

The Atlantic was born today, and I'll tell you how
The clouds above opened up and let it out

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean
Making islands where no island should go
Oh no

Most people were overjoyed; they took to their boats
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door
Have been silenced forever more
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no

I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 

I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 
I need you so much closer 

So come on, come on 
So come on, come on 
So come on, come on 
So come on, come on

I need you so much closer. So please, tell me you need me too. Please make an effort. I just want to be with you. I just want to see your blue eyes and feel your arms around me. Your smile, once a day, could keep me happy longer than I can explain. You're absolutely lovely and far out in all the best ways. I adore all the little things that add up to the beautiful gestalt you. I just wish I could see the gestalt you more often. I just want your presence, your strong aura. The aura that always makes me smile. You make me... Happy to be me. When you're here. God, I miss you so much. I feel like I didn't even get to see you and that's why this sucks. And I don't want us to be just sex. I want to go on a real date. I want you to care. and I hate when we use the word "fuck," I'd rather we "make love." Am I asking too much? You don't owe me anything. I don't want you doing things for me because you feel obligated. I want you to want me too, to want to do things for me, just as I'm always going out of my way to do things for you. I can't even stay mad at you or upset at you because you're honestly so fantastic to me. I want no one else.

I just get lonely sometimes. I miss your lips, and everything attached to them.

Scared

It really scares me when you say that "you at your best attracts me to you most," because it makes me feel as though i always, always, always have to be at my best. blindly typing this as tears run down my eyes. i'm sorry i get so sad i just hate being alone. i feel a lot of weight in this and we all know i put in much more effort and it's slowly eating me and i'm scared. i can't be perfect, but i feel the need to be for you. of course i want to be perfect for you, but it's more than that. i feel as though i have to be. and that scares me. because i'm not. and here i am crying myself to sleep again and i try so hard to make you happy and all i want are your arms wrapped around me. the one night we had together you rolled over. your back to me. i don't remember us not sleeping entangled. it scared me. it scares me. your arms always make me feel safe and in that moment they were gone, you were gone. just like you're gone now. and i'm alone and hiding in a hole that i've dug for myself. someone is walking over my grave and maybe it's for the best, maybe it's what i deserve. i don't know if i'm blaming myself or you but in many ways i'm more than mad at you and almost ready to completely let go and be indifferent towards. you. almost ready, because at the same time i'm getting more and more emotionally attached to you and that in its self makes me hate, well, me. because i shouldn't be giving in so easily. i'm stronger than this and i will not rely on you. fuck you. fuck me. i'm crying again. i hate feeling so alone. my bones are quaking, my fingers shaking. i can't.

Pssst... New hair color!

I'm saying "Psssst" because I haven't really told anyone yet! I got my hair dyed yesterday and the only people who know are the people who have seen me (my boyfriend and his roommates), my mommy, and my friends Carla and Sarah because I won't be seeing them for a long time. We're all in separate states and they both supported me dying my hair. I kept asking people if I should dye it red or dark brown, and I think I made a lot of people think I was leaning towards dark brown (because I was).... So now everyone will be surprised!

I really love it. It makes my green eyes pop and it has beautiful depth and I got it done at an organic hair salon in Boulder! More pictures to come when I have better lighting, little ones!

bisous,

THE FOXIEST RED HEAD EVER

Please don't leave me alone.

Most of my life I've felt utterly alone. And every time my hopes get up... I'm let down. Because I am alone and it's silly to be disappointed about a constant. Like everyone else, you will walk away from me. You will leave me alone.. Even though all I want is to fall asleep in the safety of your arms.



Jumping back and forth between letting you go without a word (because you deserve that happiness and you deserve to treat yourself) and begging you stay (because I'm pathetic).

I'm upset, yes. Yes, I am upset. How do I explain that I'm upset and that I want you to stay while still supporting you to do what you want to do and not forcing you to stay ever? How do I do this without making you feel bad or obligated to spend time with me? Because I want you to choose me. I wish you chose me over going but I could never force it. It really only means anything if you choose without my influence. And I don't want to lie to you.
How do I do all this and still feel like a human being? How do I feel deserving of love and deserving of your presence? (I don't.) (Maybe I should just forget me.) (Forget deserving of love.) (Fuck deserving.) (Undeserving.) (Me.)

Fuck me.

I'm sad. And disappointed. Upset? Yes. Maybe it's that all of break I've been putting this effort in to see you and I often wondered if I was trying harder than you. Yes. Yes, of course. But at this point I can't even be upset with you. I want you to be happy and I couldn't care less about me. And I really, truly get it. I honestly don't think I deserve it either. I really cannot fathom why anyone would do anything for me and I don't want you doing anything for me. I really am not worth it. It's probably best that you realize that sooner rather than later and focus on making you happy because that's what matters. Life goes on and I'll manage and


And I just I dunno maybe I really thought you cared and this just fucking sucks. Maybe I finally felt special and now I'm realizing that it was... All an illusion. And it's a shitstorm here. I hate it here. I hate it so much. Coming home to you was one of the few things I was looking forward to and now what? Now what!? Now I'm meaningless. Insignificant. I'm a ghost in this waking world and I want nothing more than to slip beneath the floor.