I am happy and I believe in myself.

I love you.

More than anything, I'm in love with you. And even if I don't need you, I want you in my life. I love you.

I hate when people don't say goodbye.

I don't need you. And I cannot possibly fathom why you don't say goodbye. Why would any human being just disappear without saying goodbye? It's mean. It makes me worried and it plays with my emotions. Why do you always just disappear from my life without saying anything to me? Why is that okay? I hate when people don't say goodbye or goodnight. Would you just put down the phone and walk away from it in the middle of a phone call? Why do you always disappear? Why?

I spent the past few hours being furious at you for this, but now I really just miss you. I really just wish you were here to hold me because this whole thing has been so hard for me. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!! I get furious at myself when I show you how broken I am because I want to be perfect for you. I want to be happy and healthy for you. Most of all, I want to be myself for you... And this past few days I've been anything but myself. I'm ashamed of how I've been. I want to be better, for me and for you.

lonely

I'm really trying to start over and be positive and find me.

It's hard because I've reached a period in my life we're I'm facing all of my problems alone. All my issues with myself, with my family and friends, with school.. I'm in a new environment and I know no one. More than ever, I'm the only person who can make me happy and make this summer good. It's all in my hands - and that terrifies me.

But I know that I need this.


My freshman year of college, I didn't make very many friends. I'm embarrassed to being admitting this and even thinking about it just hurts. I got very sick at the beginning of the year when everyone was making friends. I didn't bond with the girls in my hall. I had mono and stayed in bed for a long time. I missed out on meeting new people. By then, classes had started to get serious so I spent more time staying in and studying than I did going out and having fun. I kept to myself, kept to my schoolwork, instead of making friends. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not at all. I honestly have no friends.
It sucks because the year before, my senior year of high school, I lost a lot of the friends I grew up with. We stopped seeing eye to eye, my interests changed and I matured and we all grew apart - or I grew apart from the group. I was looking forward to college because I wanted to have friends again. The end of my senior year could not come sooner because I was so lonely. And here I am, a year later, still lonely.

My goal in the fall is to make friends. I already got good grades and made Dean's list, now I have to do something for my own benefit and make friends. It's hard for me because I've been alone for so long that I'm starting to wonder if I belong alone.
I'm even spending the summer alone, somewhere I've never been before, where I don't know anyone. I'm really just trying to get a job so I can meet people and maybe find a place I feel comfortable and happy being me. So that I'm not spending every day alone, reading a book.



I miss being happy, and having someone to share that happiness with. Whenever I start to get really positive and happy and excited about life, I realize I have no one to share it with and it just completely kills me. My good mood immediately disappears and I have a dark cloud over my head.
But I'm going to change that.




This summer I want to blossom into happiness.

I feel so worthless and so alone.

Being Angry.

I don't get angry very often. In most situations, I blame myself, so I get sad or frustrated or just plain upset. What hardly happens is that I get genuinely angry at people. Yes, I am a human being and I do get annoyed and I find things aggravating, but when do I get this irate? Not often.

So fuck all of you.


Why am I mad? I'm mad because on a regular basis, I think about other people. I'm not just saying this, I'm not just trying to talk myself up as a good person. I really do care and I really do try to be considerate of others' feelings. For example, today. I went to the bathroom before class, looked in the mirror, didn't think I was ugly or anything negative (yes I'm getting better), but instead thought "maybe I'll put on some make up for the next time I see my boyfriend so I can look extra nice for him." That sounds so fake and superficial and dumb, but it's seriously what ran through my head. I remember wanting to laugh at myself for that one. Also, if you are the least bit sick or stressed... Done. I'm worried. You've got my attention and my full willingness to do just about anything for you. I've experienced a lot of this the past week with not you who's probably reading this. But with the person that constantly stresses me out the most.
I'm honestly so angry right now that I feel a complete disconnect from my usual considerate self, so I'm really struggling to think of examples. Go figure.

The reason why I'm mad is because other people just don't do this. I guess another example of me is my willingness to try and communicate and figure things out. Why doesn't anyone else just send a simple fucking text message?! This is something I cannot fathom. At all. This morning, my 11 am class got out incredibly early, at 11:30. I have friends in the classroom next to me, so instead of ditching them, I stayed in the classroom on my computer reading articles until they got out. While deeply reading something James Franco wrote, I hear familiar voices in the hallway and look up to witness my two friends walking past me completely oblivious. I saw them before class. They knew I was there. And if they wanted to leave early, they could have texted me. It's not fucking hard. Because I had all my stuff out on my desk, I texted one of them and she claimed my classroom's door had been closed. I quickly ended that lie. So then she went and blamed her forgetting me on a lack of sleep and the fact that she didn't eat breakfast. Both of those apply to me, yet I'm still able to think about your wellbeing. Did I mention that they didn't come back? Yeah too busy doing other shit. Of course. Why would anyone waste their time on me?
That was at 11:40. My boyfriend also had class from 11-11:50. Determined to have some human contact, I wait another ten minutes, leave my building to go sit in front of his.... Where I wait... And wait... And wait. My boyfriend's phone is broken and doesn't text, so that's fine and understandable and I can't be mad about it. I'm not mad about it. Maybe at this point I'm just mad at me for fucking caring about people who couldn't care less about me. When I called him, I learned that he was home because he had an exam and got out early. Well, great, I got out twenty minutes ago and have been waiting for people who obviously don't wait for me.

I guess that's just it. I was openly willing to wait for multiple people. When they assumed I was busy, they didn't bother to wait for me. They never even considered it. Great. I'm glad that my feelings don't matter. I really just hate everyone right now and I mean that to an extreme. I'm just pissed that no one fucking cares.


Fuck everyone. I just want to be alone. Fuck you.

I love you! I love you! I love you! And I cannot wait to see your shining face!! :)

Worries

I worry about you sometimes. Sometimes, I worry about you. I've noticed that you tend to keep things in when you're stressed. You deny being stressed, but the look on your face says otherwise. This morning was a bit of proof that you can't hide it, everyone knew something was wrong but no one knew what. I wish you would open up to me and tell me, because I want to help you through these things. I want to help you. I'm here for you no matter what. Having struggled letting people in in the past, I know how scary it is to tell someone how you feel. But I promise I won't judge you. I promise I will keep an open mind and just listen, only replying if you want to hear my voice or words of advice. I'm always here as a hug or a shoulder or a cuddle. I'll even serenade you to sleep. I just want you to be happy, and I want to be a part of making you happy. Please let me be there for you. I love you.

The Competitive Side in Me

mine.

This is one of my favorite photographs I've ever taken. I love the grittiness and the rawness of it, I guess it's similar to my love of Brand New.


Soco Amaretto Lime - Brand New

In high school, I really struggled with art class. Not necessarily because I was "bad" at art, if that's even possible, but because my art teacher kind of bullied me. She made me feel absolutely terrible about my art, and I think my work started to reflect it. It's so sad when people allow their personal aesthetic to prevent them from being supportive. I'm just now realizing how I crave to turn my frustration of people not liking my work into art. I want to shove it in their faces that I can in fact create things worth looking at. It really sucks that I feel I have to prove myself and my abilities. I guess thinking about it, the only medium I've really had support for is writing, but even that is iffy. For the longest time, my parents would ridicule my love of art, music, and literature, claiming that none were suitable careers and that I would be a starving artist. Only recently have I begun to receive their support in writing, and it's only because they think I have some "talent." What is talent even? I can tell you right now, I am a person of passion. All "talent" is simply a result of hard work and dedication.

I don't know what I'm getting at... I think it's that the next step on my journey to self-acception and appreciation is my own appreciation of my art. I shouldn't need validation about what I'm putting out, and it shouldn't matter whether you like my work or not. I won't allow it to matter, I won't allow your personal opinion to affect me. I will teach myself how to be the confident person I want to be. Which means it shouldn't matter whether my viewers want to see words or images or what. I need to start creating for me again, whatever that means. The competitive side of me wants to show you that I am capable of creating something beautiful, and the most awe-inspiring things I create are created with myself in mind. I have to make art for me, I have to write for me, I have to exist for me, not for you. It's only when I truly love my work that maybe you will to. And if you don't love it or if you look down upon me as an artist, then fuck you. Every individual is different. What makes me an artist may not apply to you or any one else.

God damn, I just want to create something. Right now. I wish I had my watercolors.


The competitive side of me wants to make something so I can shove it in your face and say "APPRECIATE ME, DAMNIT! I'M AN ARTIST TOO! I CAN CREATE TOO! I CAN MAKE BEAUTIFUL THINGS, I CAN INSPIRE BIRDS TO SING! YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH PASSION."
The realistic side of me says "make things for you, make things for no one but you." So that is exactly what I will do.

mine. (a doodle)

torn.

by sarah.

I think way too much. I worry way too much. Those are two of the most significant and most true things that sadly tend to take over my life. But sometimes I also hold back from explaining just what I'm thinking and I don't want to anymore. I don't want to hold back from how I feel. Yes, my feelings are often torn. They often mismatch and contradict each other but I still feel all of them.

Right now I'm bouncing back and forth between a few things. Feeling lonely versus feeling in love. And also very much torn over where I should be spending this summer. I guess we should start with how I feel and then move on to how I plan on acting based on my newly admitted feelings.

1. I love you. If there is anything I know on a regular basis it's that I'm constantly falling deeper in love with you. I guess that's one thing I've figured out and it's not necessarily something new that I'm admitting. Our relationship has progressed dramatically recently and I mean that in only the best ways. Things really are always getting better between us. I do in fact find myself happier to see you every chance I get. I love kissing your lips and often daydream about the next time I'll get to cuddle up with you. However, I do sometimes feel lonely. I know you know this. I do sometimes feel forgotten. You know this too. But I hate that you blame yourself. It breaks my heart that you blame yourself. All I want is to spend time in your arms or eating dinner with you or hiking or something. The loneliness I feel is hardly your fault. I believe it's much more reminiscent of my lack of friends. Seeing as you're more than a friend and my life doesn't lack you, I highly doubt it's your fault. Still, we both know I do sometimes feel like I'm putting more into the relationship or whatnot. I guess what I'm trying to get at is the fact that it doesn't necessarily matter. Let's start by asking ourselves why I'm able to wholeheartedly devote my time and effort to you... The obvious answer is again my lack of friends. It's not like I have other people to distract me with. Yes, I have books and films and television shows. But sometimes I crave human contact. Which leads me to missing my main source of human contact: you. But it's not your fault I feel lonely. And if I had a steady group of friends, who's to say that I wouldn't be leaving you alone on a Monday night to go play in the snow with them? As for the amount of effort you put in... Sometimes I forget just how hard you work in every aspect of your life. You go to school, go to your job, go to your fraternity; I'm impressed that you still have time for me. And appreciative that you go out of your way to try and make time for me. Thank you. I don't need you to be over exerting yourself for me and I hope you know that. If you want to put in more effort, a few more kisses here and there is all I need. I just like being kissed goodnight, or being kissed hello when I first walk into a room and see you. I find solace in waking up to your lips against my skin or your fingers tracing along the arch of my back. And I love falling asleep next to you, waking up in  your arms, or waking up to you in mine. The effort I crave from you is nothing grandeur, rather, I love when you put effort into the little things for me. Such as surprising me by ordering a pizza with toppings you know I love or setting aside an hour or two to watch Lost. I know I can get moody, but I just love tickling you and laughing with you. And yes, I want you to take me out on a date every once and a while, but it's not as though you don't do that. You do take me out. You do make me feel special. And I love you. If you want to make me feel more special just kiss me more often or tell me you want to see me. And don't be afraid to lean on me or open up to me. Being able to help you out with your ski pass really meant a lot to me. It was you trusting me and relying on me the way couples should do. We're give and take and it works. We work perfectly together. I've never been happier than I am with you. Sometimes I do get torn between loneliness and my over the moon joy for you, but in the end everything works out. I guess it's the perfect little gestalt you that I love. I love how passionate you get about things, even if it means you forget about me for a little bit. I love you. It's a part of you and I love it because I love you. Please smile and stop blaming yourself. Or instead of wasting time blaming yourself, go do something to change what you're upset about. But seriously don't blame yourself. If anything, blame yourself for being TOO PERFECT, UGH. <3

2. Then there's the summer. I'm most torn about the summer because of you, although you're not the center of my universe. Not quite anyway. I'm torn because I don't want to spend months away from you. Ever. The few weeks  during Winter Break was hard enough, but every time I think about the summer... That's when I get genuinely upset. It's upsetting that I will (possibly) be so close to your home, but you will be so far from it. It's upsetting that there's a significant chance I won't get to see you on my birthday. I have never been one for birthdays because I have never really had anyone to celebrate my birthday with. Everyone's always on vacation during the first two weeks of August, so I've come to accept my quiet birthday at home. But then I met you... I guess it's only beginning to dawn on me just how amazing it would be to have someone to spend my birthday with. And not just any someone, but to have the someone that I am head over heels in love with. We've been dating almost five months now, and the summer is almost four months long. I don't want to spend almost the same amount of time we've been dating, being across the country. And I know you'll come home at some point, but for how long? A week? And what are the chances of that week being the week of my birthday? Incredibly slim. So slim that I'm only just know realizing the reality of our situation. We won't be seeing each other, really at all this summer. I've been putting these thoughts off as long as possible because they just plain suck. I'm so much less stressed during the summer and I'd love to spend my care free days with you. I want to go on hikes and go swimming and wrestle and play frisbee and go bike riding and go on picnics and eat outdoors at nice restaurants... All with you! I also want you to want to do them with me. I love when you become decisive and say you want to go do something with me! It sweeps me off my feet!! But that's not what I'm getting at.. What I'm getting at is the fact that I don't want to leave Colorado. I don't want to leave you. I've been racking my brain for months trying to come up with a good excuse to stay in Colorado other than for you, to the point where my father now genuinely believes that I am in fact staying here in Colorado this summer. At one point I really did plan on subleasing a room in Brooke's house, taking more classes, and getting a job. Using the excuse that as a double major and minor, it's impossible for me to graduate in time unless I take summer classes. The only problem with that is that it is incredibly expensive... and the fact that my mother is very adamant about me coming home. I've considered asking you if I could move into your room and split your rent with you. It'd save both of us money, but I honestly don't know if I'm ready to live with you. I know I spend every night in your room, but the idea scares me. I'm torn over this idea because at the same time I want to spend more time with you and I don't want to have to say goodbye to you this summer. I'm also torn because I (apparently) have the option of living with my Aunt in Maryland this summer. If I did that, I would have free housing and food, would work somewhere near her house, and would get to see you during the short time you visit home. Other positives include my absolute adoration for my Armenian family, the likeliness in my Armenian improving, the fact that my Aunt loves to buy me clothes, and the fact that it keeps me from having to return home. There's also the fact that it forces me to not rely on you. The fact that you might miss being away from me. The fact that I may finally figure my shit out (although I believe I'm getting increasingly closer to doing that right now, so I don't think being away from you is necessary). However, today my mom called me encouraging me to book a flight home to New Jersey after school ends and even mentioned the possibility of me staying there. I'm wondering if something has fallen through with my Aunt and whether or not I will actually get to live with her. I don't even know at this point. I have no idea whether to go along with what my mom wants and come home, to call my aunt and figure things out with her, or simply declare that I'm an adult who needs to stay in Boulder for the summer. To be honest, I genuinely think the best place for me to be is Maryland. However, I don't know if being without you would be enjoyable at all. I don't want to lose you. But at the same time, I may not be ready to live here this summer. I do miss my family, and I do need some reinforcement before returning to school. But you're such a significant part of my life that I cannot fathom being away from you for so long.

My secret wish is that you'd return home this summer so that I could live with my aunt and be far enough away from you that I can't see you every day, but close enough that I could see you on weekends, that we could catch a train to my hometown so I can show you around Jersey, drive out to your house so I can meet your puppy and we go dirt biking. I know this is no longer a possibility, but I can't help hoping my dream somehow comes true. I guess the next best thing would be you going home while I'm in Maryland. I hope it's still a possibility.

This did help me figure out a bit of what I want and need. Hopefully this will all resolve its self soon.

I'm worried that I don't make you happy and it's killing me. I'm afraid I'll never be good enough for you. I wish I didn't feel so wrong. Sometimes I hate everything about myself. And I love everything about you. I just feel so stupid. Why did I ever think you'd like me? I feel like I can't even make you happy.
I don't like sleeping alone and I wish I had gotten the courage to ask you to walk me home. I really am trying, I promise. Right now I just hate me... So being alone is pretty fucking terrible. I wish that you hadn't changed your mind. I would have gladly stayed over. I miss you.

And I feel so stupid. I dunno. I think I'll be glad to be gone this summer. The thing that's hardest to grasp is the idea of you missing me. It just never seems to be the case. Maybe now it finally will be. Or maybe something even better will happen and I'll finally find me.

Why am I so lost always?

I love you.

nothing new

I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this. Go on being insignificant and having no friends and always ending up alone. I wish we could just do something together. I don't feel special to you, I don't feel special to anyone. And I'm sick of not mattering. I just wish someone would care about me. All I want is a friend. I've said this a thousand times and it feels like my wish will never come true. Whenever I'm with people I can feel myself disappear. I just don't feel comfortable with anyone anymore. I don't know if I even feel comfortable with you anymore. Or me for that matter. I don't even know who I am or what I want. I guess I want to feel special and important to someone for once.

Today I was going to ask you to go to my favorite place ever with me. I had it all planned out. And I couldn't even bring myself to ask you. I can't ask you for anything it seems. It also seems as though you always want to be with other people and not me.

Maybe I'm imagining all of this. I really hope I am and that this is just pms or something. I don't want to go to bed crying again but I know I will.

I guess I just feel forgotten. Or insignificant. Or something terrible. Terrible. I feel terrible. Why is it that you never ask about my day? Am I not important to you? I know you don't even bother to read my blog any more so I guess there's no point to me even writing this. I'm a ghost slipping through your fingers. I wish I could haunt you but I can't bring myself to do it.

How to Love Oneself

I get really scared sometimes. I get lonely and sad. I hate looking in a mirror. Even when I'm not having a bad day, even when I don't feel forgotten, I hate looking at myself. I hate the way I look and I cannot fathom how anyone could ever think otherwise. And my inability to see myself as you see me truly upsets me. I wish I could see the beauty in myself. I try so hard to, it's just a bit too hard sometimes. I feel like a burden sometimes and then I look in the mirror and I don't want to be around me. So why would you? Sometimes I wish you'd be a bit more vocal about these kinds of things because as much as I hate to admit it, part of me still needs to hear that you like the way I look or my company or my giggle. I'm really trying to get better, to see myself in a new light. One day I will be fully confident and assured of myself. But right now... I get a little lost. And I'm not entirely sure who I am. I've found myself wishing that I could have seen you last year, when you were a little less developed and a little unsure of yourself. I guess I feel as though everyone knows who they are except me. I'm still trying to feel out the waters. I'm still trying new things and experimenting, and everyone else seems to have already tried everything without me. So yes, I guess I do feel alone. Out of place, always. I feel that I'm behind on these experiences that everyone else has already had. Everyone else has grown up without me. Will I always be a lost boy? I wish I knew who I really was.
Sometimes I wish someone could write a paragraph describing me, faults included. I wish they'd write at the end "you're perfect and I love everything about you." Maybe I need to do that. Because I need to learn how to love me. I need to learn how to not be afraid anymore. I need to learn how to cast away my fears.
I guess it's worth a shot...


My name is Cassandra and I have tears in my eyes as I write this. I've been told that allowing yourself to cry just proves that you're strong. Maybe my tears are something to be proud of. I'm a dreamer. It's funny because... Previously, I always knew I was a dreamer. But somewhere along the past few years, I lost my ability to dream. This is the first time I've admitted that I still can. This is the first time I've admitted that I will always be a wide-eyed little dreamer. And despite however large and rash my dreams may seem, I will reach every single one. I don't give up. No matter how many nights I spend falling apart in my bed, I always manage to get up in the morning. Because I am a dreamer and each day is waking into a bright new dream. These dreams are my lighthearted sighs stolen beneath the moon and the way I tend to find myself captivated by you. I wear my heart on my sleeve. My emotions seem to be much more extreme than my peers. I'm not simply happy or sad, I'm exuberant or depressed. However, this allows me to grasp at life and throw my hands in the air - whether from joy or surrender. I'm a human being and I embrace every emotion. I take deep breaths to clear my head and cry happy tears when I witness other people receiving the things they deserve. I love noticing the breathtaking colors that the universe has given us, or when my gaze falls upward and I take in enormity of this magnificent universe. I get scared, yes. But I face my fears. I face my fears and often in doing so, I find myself. I remember my love of books and words. The fact that I'm always looking a word up in the dictionary or for a story to hear. I find myself in the songs I find escaping my lips on a daily basis. My devotion to celebrating the world through art and words. Sometimes I almost forget my love of children and the way caring for them makes me glow. I always find myself in their bubbly little faces. I find myself in the way time stops with you. The way I want nothing more than to lay with you and feel your essence. The way I all too often pour my soul out to you. Sometimes it's a series of too many text messages, or crying over the tiny things, or asking you to come give me a hug. But at least I'm (apparently) good at communication. And even with tears running down my cheeks, I am beautiful. I have a love of all things in the world, an ability to genuinely try and succeed in finding the magnificence in every situation. I am a fighter and a lover. A protector of everyone I love. A protector of the people that I may not know. Some people have called me selfless, but it's not even that. I'm just being me. I'm being Cassie and trying my hardest to do anything I can to make any other living thing just a little bit happier. Even if it is just for a few moments. And that is truly rare, to make such an effort for such a small feat. I am unique. Maybe even my own work of art, "The dreamer who cries of happiness at other's fortunes," "the green-eyed soul who will do anything to make you smile," "the tiny giant who will create something worth remembering," One day I will change the world. One day, I will inspire another girl, similar to me, to do the same. One day I'll inspire her to not be afraid to dream. I am crying much harder now, but... There's something beautiful about my mind. I'm so scared to like myself. Why?  I am a human being and there is something about the way my eyes light up when I'm happy and my cheeks get sore from smiling and I could float away on a single moment. There's something so special about existence, about my existence. I am unique and unprecedented. And I am beautiful. The gestalt me is beautiful, even on the outside. There's no one else in this world like me. I am perfect as I am. Perfect as Cassandra or Cassie or Cassafrass. Perfect as my being and soul. I am finding myself... And I love myself. I love who I am.


I am trying to learn how to love myself.

save some time for me

I tend to miss you a lot when you go, especially since you go a lot. Why are you always the one leaving me? I guess sometimes I wish you'd run to me instead. But it'll happen, or I at least hope it will. I hope that one day you'll act on how you feel. That one day you'll grab me and kiss me. That one day you'll admit to never wanting to let me go. That you'll admit to wanting me, to wanting me to keep you company, to wanting to kiss me. I pray that one day you find yourself able to put in the effort you want to put in. I'm not sure if you're scared or just busy. But I hope one day you have time for me. Maybe one day you'll be throwing rocks at my window again, asking to see me. I miss the days when you would come to me. I only wish they'd come back. I know you feel the same way I do. Please show it. Please prove me right. Please love me the way I love you. Don't let me go.

Requited love.

All I want is for you to care. I wish you were here to kiss me goodnight (in general, I wish you would kiss me goodnight). I love you. Sweet dreams.

don't you let me go, let me go tonight

If only you were here holding me, so that you could not let me go. 

“We are all future butterflies who think, wrongly, that we are just slugs. And we are evolving, whether we admit it or not, into something else. Something with wings.” — Jeffrey J. Kripal

Have I told you how magnificent the world we live in is? I've been having an incredibly rough few weeks, but I just made a decision that has lifted a load off of my shoulders. I've decided not to go on the service trip. After a very grueling day filled with crying over stress, and eventually starting to get sick, I realized that it'd be stupid of me to go. I'm starting to get sick because I am stressing over studying, which means that by the end of the week, I doubt I'll be peachy keen and ready to hop into a car and go play with children. I'll probably want to sleep for 48 hours straight. In which case, I'd miss the whole trip I paid for. Not only would I be going on the trip most likely ill, but I'd be ignoring my own psychological well-being. Honestly, this is what I've learned from these terrible few weeks: I have to allow myself to breathe. I have to allow myself to be happy. I can't lock myself in my room studying. I have to allow myself to want things and to get the things that I want. Sometimes, it's necessary to be selfish.
So starting tomorrow I'm going to allow myself to enjoy life. I kept bawling my eyes out over the fact that I wasn't living, that I was simply existing, instead of going out and embracing this beautiful town that I live in! Tomorrow I'm going to go on a run after which I will treat myself to reading and Starbucks. Then I'll get back to studying. Once I've relaxed a little, I'll allow myself to study - outside! I'll sit in this magnificent weather and study. Maybe I'll even work on my short story because I know I'll be feeling inspired. I think I'll break out my watercolors and paint or maybe get the balls to visit Jack at work because who knows? There are so many things I can do, there are so many possibilities! I can do it all. I'm going to have a fantastic day. I'm glowing as I write this.

And then during spring break, I am going to allow myself to relax. But not only that... I am going to allow myself to do all the things I've been wanting to do. Like go on hikes with Jack or tan on Farrand or finally read a book from my growing list. I'm going to let myself breathe. And I'm going to be happy.
I am happy.

And if it wasn't for Jack supporting me through everything, I don't know where I'd be. So here's a picture of us lovebirds last weekend. I actually have a handful more that I'll show y'all in a later blogpost.

I actually think it's my favorite picture of us so far, but Jackalope already beat me and made it his profile picture!

And please! Please! Comment on this blogpost! Tell me what makes you happy! What do you do when your down? How to you manage to stay positive when things around you seem to be terrible. I've had so many page visits and readers lately and I want to get to know each and every one of you. And if your sad, tell me, let me help you. I know from experience that you can always find something to be thankful for or generally happy about. There is always a silver lining. Life is worth living. This world is absolutely fantastic. Always. You are not a slug, rather, you are emerging into the most beautiful of butterflies.

xoxo, foxy

Today my mom told me that she wished she could somehow be here to bring me raspberries and I wish so too. I just want to be near someone. I just want a hug. I just want to do something for me but I can't. It's a curse. I wish I could just walk right up to you and kiss you because I miss you so much but I'm always scared you'll get mad at me or something. I wish I could call you up and have you come over but I'm scared you'll tell me I'm feeling sorry for myself. I just want to be near another human being. I hate being alone.
I miss my mom a lot.

Last week I found something I had previously written, in which I begged whatever all mighty power, to please let me pass in my sleep. It breaks my heart to say this, but right now I wish it had happened. I feel so worthless always. So alone. I feel like I'm going to get no where in life. And the worst... I feel like I'm not really living. I feel like I'm wasting away, I feel like I'm wasted potential. Someone else could be living my life and they could be happy. Someone else deserves to be alive and well and I'm honestly not sure I deserve anything. I mean, if I'm not really living, if I'm just wasting away in my dorm room always studying, then what's the point?
Why am I still here?
I could never kill myself. I could never hurt the people I love. But I feel like such a waste of breath. I can't do anything right.

In response to being considerate, why I hate being "good"

Because I always end up alone. I don't know if being nice or caring somehow makes me less interesting or makes people want to be with me less, but I always end up alone. I hate being nice because I always become a second thought, no one ever puts me first. It's as though people get so used to me putting them first and doing nice things for them, that they forget to do the same for me. Like that movie we made plans weeks in advance to go to the screening of (actually it was months in advance because I've been talking about it since January).
And I hate that I'm nice because it makes me scared to have feelings. I'm scared to be upset. So I couldn't even tell you how sad it made me, especially since that's not the first time our plans from forever ago have been pushed aside for something else. I hate that if I'm upset about something, I'm apparently feeling sorry for myself. Why can't I just be mad or sad? Why can't I be stressed when I have so many tests or exams that I become a hermit? Why can't I be lonely?
I will never forget the day you told me you thought I was feeling sorry for myself when I tried to open up to you. Do you realize how terrified I now am to tell you how I feel? I'd rather just cry in front of you then tell you that I'm upset because I can't tell you how I feel. And I am upset! I'm sick of trying to see you always and you having a significantly less interest in seeing me. I won't say you don't want to see me. Maybe you still want to see me just as much as I see you, but you don't do anything about it. I've been trying so hard to make friends and every time I make plans with someone they let me down.
And yes, I do sometimes regret agreeing to be official because you stopped doing things for me. You stopped coming to my room to kiss me without me having to beg you to come see me. You stopped even agreeing to try and see movies with me or take me out on hikes or do couple things. We don't even talk about that stuff anymore. I try not to suggest it any more because I know it's not going to happen. What's the point? You're always busy. Unless it's me coming over your house. Unless it's sex. Unless it's you proving yourself to your frat and needing to walk in with a girl.

I'll admit, I'm exaggerating a bit. Or not necessarily exaggerating, but specifically pointing out all the negatives. I truly am sorry for that because you really aren't any of this to me. You're unbelievably fantastic to me. But I'm upset. I'm upset and I don't feel comfortable saying so or asking you to take me on a date or go to a screening with me or anything. I feel bad when I do. I feel so conceited or greedy when I ask you for things. I just want to be with you. But now even that's slipping away.


It's not about the non existent dates or missing the screening. It's not about you coming to my room or me going to your house. It's that I miss you and I feel like I'm losing you. It's that I miss you and I feel like you've forgotten me. I don't think you're ignoring me. I think you've forgotten me. You've forgotten me.



Maybe I should just go on the trip. Maybe then I'll forget you too.

I will not be delicate.

I miss having friends. I miss being loved platonically. I miss not having a care in the world. Why am I stressed and alone so often? Is some great power trying to break me? I will not be delicate.


(I still miss having friends though... I'm really trying to make some. I've been reaching out to people and trying to make plans with them. Maybe some day soon it will actually work.)

How to be a Considerate Human Being

The world can be such a bizarre place. It's humourous to me because people are always complimenting me and saying that I'm a phenomenal person, yet I just feel as though I'm being a considerate human being.
For example, as a college student, I have witnessed many a black-out drunk or beyond high person. Although I, myself, have never been there, I realize that if I were in the situation, I would want another person to take care of me so that I don't fall out of a window or something.
Two nights in a row now, I have offered a helping hand to those under the collegiate weekend ailment.
Last night, I fed a black-out drunk girl (who was a total stranger to me) thin mints, water, and kept her consciously thinking and talking to me. I asked her questions about her major and tried to find her friends to take her home. Once her stomach settled and her friends were still nowhere to be found, I helped put her to bed in a safe way, making sure she was on her side and such.
And then tonight, while staying in studying (yes, I'm studying on a Friday night), I made two trips to the bathroom. On the first, I noticed a seemingly drunk girl guzzling from the sink, washed my hands, and went on my merry way, making a mental note to check on her in fifteen minutes or so. Well I did check on her, I had drank a lot of water myself and my bladder couldn't handle it. So I went back to the bathroom, this time finding the girl on the floor, under the sink. I was immediately worried. Although the girl lives in the same hallway as me, I am not close to anyone other than my roommate. We find the girls in our hall a tad bit too superficial for our liking and thus try to keep our distance. Still, I could not leave someone stranded on the floor in a state of mind I could only describe is "goop." I started talking to the girl, offering her the little food I have in my room (celery - but hey, it's water based, so it'd be good for her!), asking if she was okay and if there was anything I could do for her. Although she turned down my celery, she thanked me more times than I can count and even said I love you. After I peed, I talked to her again to make sure she was okay. She wished me luck on my studying, and I'm back in bed. Clearly a superhero (sarcasm). To be honest, I'll probably check on her again in a bit. I need to brush my teeth and wash my face anyway, so it's not a hassle to me.
In my opinion, any person should do this. It takes two seconds to ask someone "Are you okay?" and it's more than worth it, it's just being considerate. I'm not saying you have to do what I do and feed them or put them to bed, but you should at least try to reach out to someone.

So how do you be a considerate human being? By doing something nice for someone else, especially when it only takes a few minutes of your time. Such as holding a door open or asking them if they're okay.


I don't really know what I'm getting at. My Spring Break starts in a week (after a week of three exams, four tests, a giant final project, etc, etc...) and I'm supposed to be going on a service trip to volunteer as a camp counselor. I've been spending so much time studying (and helping people who are under the influence) that I haven't had any time for me. I guess I realized that the service trip is an added stress, when I really need to take a break. On top of that, there's a lot of studying that I would probably benefit from doing that week. My father has made it clear to me that he wants me to back out of the trip and focus on my school work... But does that make me a terrible person? The more I think about it, the more I think I should go on the trip. I feel obligated, yes, but I also feel like maybe spending a week helping little kids may brighten my day and relieve a bit of my stress. Maybe. I emailed the people in charge explaining my predicament and asking for advice or information that might help me to make my decision, but have yet to get a response. I also have yet to pay the second deposit because no one has given me any information on it, which is honestly stressing me out even more. I have so much that I feel as though I have to do, and all I want is to fall asleep in my boyfriend's arms.

To be a considerate human being, do I also have to be considerate to my own personal well-being? But if I drop out of a service trip, am I a bad person? Am I letting my peers down? To be a considerate human being, do I have to be considerate of them or me first?
And what really is best for me? I miss my friends. I miss relaxing. I feel so cooped up spending hours in my room studying. What did I do for myself today? I ordered my mom a book as a present. That's the kind of thing that makes me happy, making others happy. So maybe I should go on the trip and make others happy. Wouldn't that just make me happy and relieve my stress?
Maybe.
I hope so.

jesus christ

"Well, Jesus Christ, I'm alone again, so what did you do those three days you were dead?"

Crying

I don't care if you're "not going to be fun to be around," I don't care if you're going to be asleep while I do homework, or playing video games while I curl up and nap. That's all so insignificant to me. What matters to me is spending time with you. Especially since I'm realizing more and more just how little time we have together because I won't be seeing you this summer. I so badly want to talk to you about it because it's weighing on my shoulders but it makes me upset so I don't want to bring it up. Sometimes I feel like I never see you. I know that if I wasn't always the person reaching out and wanting to see you, I wouldn't. You never reach out to me. You never call me or text me first. I'm always the person asking if we'll be sleeping together at night. Sometimes I feel as though my presence is so insignificant to you.
Why don't you care about me?

All I want is your presence. Being with you makes me happy always. You make me feel safe. But sometimes I feel as though you don't want to be around me. Not even. At least if you didn't want me to be around, you'd care to some extent. But I feel insignificant to you. And your indifference breaks my heart. I hate how worthless you sometimes make me feel.

I wish you'd just initiate something. I wish you'd reach out and ask me to come over or something. I miss you. And it sometimes feels as though you don't miss me. You say you do, but none of your actions prove it. Will you ever follow through and prove to me that you're thinking of me when I'm not around? I dunno.

You often do. Not often, but sometimes. You sometimes prove it to me. And that's what makes it so hard. I put so much trust in you and you only reinforce it when it's starting to waver. I don't know if this makes sense but I'm so sick of always being alone.


That's why I was crying last night. Because all I can think about is how alone I'll be this summer. I'll be somewhere I've never lived before with no one but my Aunt. And I love her, but I'm going to have no friends. Most of the time I don't even feel like I have friends now. I just want some friends. I just want some place to call home. Why do you think I have to go to a whole new state this summer? I honestly don't have any idea where my home is. That's why I cry. Because I am so lost and so alone. Because I am so close to finding somewhere that I feel safe and happy and it already has a possible end date. Is there nothing to look forward to in the future? You say you see our future together but what future. A future till the end of the school year? Will we even make it through the summer? I'm so scared. I'm so terrified.
I don't want to be alone.

Sometimes, I do.

I know I told you that I don't mind, but sometimes I do. And I'm not saying that I want or need you to change... Just that I do sometimes mind what you're doing. And I do sometimes wish you'd stop. But I don't want you stopping for me. I want you stopping for you. There are so many better things you could be doing. Maybe for once we could actually do things regularly together. Special things, I dunno. I'm not asking you to take me to expensive dinners or buy me flowers or any of that. But I want to go places with you. I want to explore and discover with you. I want to exist with you.
And sometimes, I feel as though the things you do keep us from reaching that phenomenal moment of existence.

Love.

I've cried far too many times this week and I hate being alone. I hate how often I feel alone. I hate sleeping alone and spending nights alone. I always try to be there for the people I care about, but they hardly seem to be there to me. All I want is to be chosen. I don't want to have to ask for you to pick me. I don't want to have to ask you to like me or want to hang out with me. I don't feel comfortable inviting myself places that I'm not asked. I wish you'd just tell me you like me and you want to hang out. How come you never call me first? Why is it that I always find myself alone while everyone else is out. No one ever invites me anywhere. The people who call me their best friend only say it because I treat them well. Because I would do anything to make someone else happy. I would do more than anyone could imagine to make a person I love just a little bit happier for a few seconds. It honestly matters to me that much. Your happiness matters to me that much. I only wish my happiness mattered too. I only wish I wasn't crying every time I ended up alone in a room. I only wish I wasn't waiting for someone to show up and kiss me.

Do you ever just look at someone and think "wow, I really love you"? They're just talking or watching a movie, maybe laughing or sleeping or something, and there's a special little spark in them. Their body is alive and there's light in there eyes and something causes the world to stop because you realize you love them. I just really love you.

And happiness always seems so close but so far away. But I keep managing to make myself smile. Maybe I am getting better. Maybe happiness really is that close. Because even though I cried after you left me last night, I fell asleep with a smile on my face. And even though I was just crying a half hour ago, I'm smiling right now. Because this world is such a beautiful place to get lost in. Everything about it is so unique and magnificent and I love you.

Sometimes I recall all the little things. Our first kiss. The purple Christmas lights and you offering me your plaid shirt. Meeting you when you had a mustache. Those first few text messages, joking about what our porn names would be. Giggling over shared blueberries. You always coming immediately to my room to hang out. The first time you did I fell asleep and you slept over and I wanted so badly for you to reach over and wrap your arms around me. The way you kissed my shoulder blades in the morning. You buying me a new copy of my favorite book because someone stole it. And holding me when I finally cried about my parents' divorce. You longboarded to come see me at 3 am because you knew I was upset. And then you held me till it was past 5 and the sun was beginning to come up. Yes, I miss you when you're gone but you still always make me happy.
I'm still going to bed with a smile on my face. And maybe it's not you making me happy, maybe it's me. Maybe I need to give myself more credit... One day. Until then, I'll be dreaming of your lips, always.

You want to know what happiness is? It’s waking up in the middle of the night for no reason, shifting under the blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and see them in their most peaceful, innocent, and vulnerable state. They breathe as though the weight of the world lays on anyone’s shoulder but their own. You smile, kiss their face in the most gentle manner so as not to wake them. You turn back around and an involuntary grin forms on your own face. You feel an arm wrap around your waist, and you know it doesn’t get any better than this.

-Anonymous

I miss your lips, and everything attached to them. xo.

Annoyed?

I feel as though you're annoyed that I'm nervous. It seems as though you are sick of me, and I really hope that isn't the case. I really hope it isn't. Fuck.

in you is everything.

Y'all can be expecting an interesting post sometime soon. :D

Relevant

I will always, always love and connect to this song. It's so relevant in my life and so beautiful and so sad. I don't know how to explain it (nothing makes sense, nothing makes sense anymore), but I struggle with loving myself. In some ways, I feel like this song is about that. The acceptance of who I am. And I really do want somebody to love me for who I am. I want to be me and feel free and happy. I want to love myself, I want to be unashamed. To embrace me and my life. I feel like this whole thing reminds me that it's okay to be human and have feelings. It's okay to have a bad day or to be scared and want someone to hug you. It's okay to want someone to love me. I want you to love me. Do you love me? I think I'm finally beginning to love myself.

I'm so scared to ask for help.

Sometimes I really hate the things you do. You make me sad and I don't want to admit it but it's true. I'm mad. And stressed and very upset and I just want company god damn it. I'm sick of spending days alone in my room reading or doing homework. I don't know what to do with myself. fuck you. I wish you just tried to show that you cared or something. I'm always thinking of you and going out of my way to try and do nice things for you. And I know you don't ask for it. I want to do it. I just wish you wanted to do the same thing for me.


 

10 things I hate/love.

Things I hate:

1. Myself. And I don't mean this in the worst way, I'm just in a bit of a negative mood. But I always feel like I haven't accomplished anything or I'm not accomplishing anything. I'm not doing enough. I get lectured a LOT on what I should or shouldn't do and it makes me very uneasy. Is being me wrong? That's how I feel sometimes. As though everyone is telling me that I, myself, am wrong. 
2. People. People suck and they get really annoying. It's weird because at the same time, I'm head over heels for people. It's just that sometimes I feel so disconnected from them, from these people. And I watch these people and I just can't fathom them or their lives, and once again, it makes me uneasy. I just feel out of place with people. Either that or I'm jealous of them, and therefore hate them.
3. My body. We're jumping back to things about me, I guess. This one's very concrete. I have always hated the way I look. I hate my nose and want a nose job. I hate my hair so I dyed it, but now I miss being blonde. Now I miss being natural and I dunno.. I want to love who I am naturally. And then I workout so much and work so hard to stay slim and in shape but then sometimes I overeat and I just get fat all over again and I hate myself.
4. Copycats. I don't think it's a form of flattery and it's honestly always bothered me. Especially when the copier doesn't just come out and admit to copying or even admit to "being inspired" or anything. Please just acknowledge it. Please.
5. Being sick or lightheaded. Feeling as though I'm not capable of doing the things I want to do.
6. I really hate being alone.
7. Broken headphones. Music has forever been my constant therapy and savior. Maybe this is why I'm making a list of things I hate. I haven't been able to listen to my iPod in weeks and I'm definitely dying.
8. Opinionless people. When people don't say what they want, I die a little inside. First of all, if I care about you, I value your opinion. I really genuinely want to know what you want. So you not telling me kind of sucks that way. And then like... Not saying what you want, and acting based on what you think will make you "good" or "bad" or whatever. Oh goodness, please. No one really has that right to judge your actions and define you and prescribe those words to you. I'm certainly not God. And I find it to be so much more meaningful if you do whatever you think the "right" thing is, not because you think it's right, but because you WANT to. What do you want?
9. Farting. Ew.
10. Milk.

Things I love:

1. Myself. Or at least I try to. I really do try to see the creativity and passion and zest that other people apparently see. I've been told that people are drawn to my positive aura, and I really do try to see and acknowledge and give myself credit for things like that. Yay self!
2. People. People are just absolutely lovely. Have you ever witnessed someone do a good deed? It's absolutely breathtaking. This whole planet is just full of beautiful specimens, doing beautiful things.
3. My body. I work out on a regular basis and I have the abs to prove it. I'm very proud of my dedication and how far I've come. I love being sore and knowing I worked my body hard. I love getting stronger and more in shape. It makes me proud of myself! And yes, I do want to show it off. I love my body! Or I'm at least starting to love it more and more. One day I'll maybe love my face.
4. Raspberries! These things are legitimately heaven on earth. But for the sake of recent events, I also love blueberries and giggling with you about how they won't spoil our marriage. A perfect moment really. Perfect.
5. Giggling. You make me giggle a lot and giggling always makes me happy. I love that giggling is absolutely contagious and fun; I love that when one giggles, one's worries always disappear. I love the crooked tooth grin of yours and the crows feet you get when you giggle. I even love how much I squint my eyes when I'm in a moment of pure joy. That's what giggling is to me.
6. Falling asleep in your arms. Always. This will always be one of my absolute favorite things ever. I love when you get all cuddly and squeeze me tight. You make me feel safe and wanted and important. 
7. Happy music. It always puts a smile on my face and cheers me up.
8. Learning new languages. I know I complain a lot because I struggle with pronunciation, but I find there to be something so magical about words and different languages. I love learning French and thinking in German and the little bit of Armenian that I know. It's enchanting and exciting and I love it. I want to become multilingual. I want to become advanced proficient in body language... Yum.
9. When we cook dinner together. Even though we've still never been on a real date, I sometimes think I prefer our cooking dates. There's just something so special and intimate about cooking with that silly fella you adore. Really. I adore you.
10. You. 

You. The gestalt you and your lips and everything attached to them. You and your soul and your magnificent body and the unique thoughts that run through your head. Your crazy drawings and the way your eyes sparkle and you always make me laugh and you. All of you. Really, all of you. I can't even go on... Just all of you.

Landing on floating island of the gods

Landing on floating island of the gods without invitation, form of deafness exemplified by reckless flying. Long lost loves caught in the tempest, as my wings clipped back in an unnatural manner. This twist of fate and foreign weather has left me without my feathers. Am I a chicken ready to be roasted? Surprise, surprise, because I glance into the ethereal waters. Surprise, surprise, because here I am staring into the silvery liquid. Too deaf to speak my own words, I open the mouth inside my head. It says: “Daaamn! Who needs feathers anyway? I look like some serious gourmet shit.” 

Something I'm working on... Feel free to give feedback! (please do..!)

What started as him stooping to kiss my face in the marigold field turned into my arms clinging to his neck under the willow tree, and then into our limbs entangling as we sunk into the welcoming ground beside Lake Grok. We never once considered taking a step forward or back, because we didn’t have to, our bodies did that for us. Running his fingers through my hair, he stretched his fingers out across the back of my neck. This allowed him to hold me in place as my body pulsated against his. We were in a gold room, we were in the lake, we were under the moon. The sky was once a cobalt blue, now painted with strokes of purple. 

This happens much more often than I'd like to admit.

But I'm just gonna keep reading and making art shit.
Inspirations:

Total light envelops you, it becomes you.

In psych tests on deep space, I ran a number of sensory deprivation trials, tested in total darkness, on flotation tanks - and the point about darkness is, you float in it. You and the darkness are distinct from each other because darkness is an absence of something, it’s a vacuum. But total light envelops you. It becomes you. It’s very strange. I recommend it.
-Sunshine (2007)

I mean this in the most pure and existential and we-are-all-one, infinite, way possible.

And so begins my newfound obsession with space and mysteries and galaxies and light and the sun and I cannot wait to finally buy myself Cosmos by Carl Sagan because it's been on my reading list forever but now it's relevant. I've always been interested in space, as a child I would star gaze and look for planets with my dad, and then study the pages in the back of the dictionary about our solar system. Goodness, we live in such a big place.. I want to embrace everything in the universe and be a part of it and just hug everyone. This is something similar to what I felt reading the last book of the Golden Compass/His Dark Materials trilogy... This oneness. With nature and all people and everything.

Yesterday I finally watched the film "Sunshine," directed by Danny Boyle (28 Days Later, Slumdog Millionaire, 127 Hours...) and starring Cillian Murphy (Scarecrow in Batman Begins) and also featuring Rose Byrne (I always remember her in Bridesmaids) and Chris Evans (Capt. America)... Surprisingly, I didn't look any of that up to write this. I'm simply blown away by this movie. I found it utterly entrancing and beautiful in ways that are hard to put to words. The cinematography was breathtaking. And the combination of the other-wordly images with the amazing music (John Murphy) was truly a masterpiece. I highly recommend this movie to everyone, because even with the few weaknesses in the storyline (I actually don't mind them, but a lot of reviews did), I think the film still absolutely succeeded. I actually found it to be a bit of a spiritual experience.

For the record, Sunshine is about a team of astronauts sent to reignite the dying sun.

Here are some of the absolutely stunning scenes from the film...

No spoilers: (for better quality of this scene go here I couldn't embed it)

Some spoilers:

Amazing clips with spoilers that cannot be embedded: one | two


So here I am, sinking into both the Sunshine soundtrack (your heart will burst) and some Angels and Airwaves, because they've always been out there in a sort of cosmic way. And this song, A Little's Enough, illustrates a lot of what I'm feeling right now. Because I do have a lot of bad days, everyone does. But a little love is enough. And the instrumental part at the beginning tugs at my soul. Goodness, sometimes I just feel so whole. So a part of everything else. And it's truly limitless.

"A Little's Enough"

When all is said and done 

Will we still feel pain inside? 

Will the scars go away with night? 

Try to smile for the morning light

It's like the best dream to have 

Where every thing is not so bad 

Every tear is so alone 

Like God himself is coming home to say 

I, I can do anything 

If you want me here 

And I can fix any thing 

If you let me near 

Where are those secrets now

That you're too scared to tell 

I'd whisper them all aloud 

So you can hear yourself 

Green trees were the first sign 

The deepest blue, the clearest sky

The silence came with the brightest eyes 

And turned water into wine 

The children ran to see 

The parents stood in disbelief 

And those who knew braced for the ride 

The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything 

If you want me here 

And I can fix anything 

If you let me near 

Where are those secrets now 

That you're too scared to tell

I whisper them all aloud 

So you can hear yourself 

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad 

Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad 

The cure is if you let in just a little more love

I promise you this, a little's enough

[x6]

(Just a little...)

It's just weird because I've never heard you say you wanted that before. I've never heard you say that you want the same profession I want and I wish you would just come out and say that maybe I've inspired you to pursue this or something or at least point out that it blatantly seems as though you're copying me because this is the shit you always pull and it's aggravating. You're aggravating.
And I'm really incredibly fed up with you always talking about yourself. You've told me the same stories multiple times because... Well I really couldn't tell you why. You want to garner attention so badly you have to tell me everything five times? I just... It's so unnecessary and I don't care. I really don't care about every little detail. You've lost your mystery to me. I feel as though I know everything you're going to say before you say it and that's because you've already said it. It's boring. And I cannot fathom why you feel the need to try and get my attention. I don't get it. It's so unnecessary. I'm not a boy you're trying to impress or something. Why are you trying to impress me? You're trying to hard and it disgusts me.
I'm just fed up and you're like a broken record and you give me a headache.

Letter

My homework for my Fiction Writing class was to write my professor a letter introducing myself...

Rachel, 

            My name is Cassandra. Most people pronounce it a different way than I do, so I try to understand when I’m called the wrong name. Almost everyone outside of the professional world calls me Cassie, which I find to be lightweight and reflecting of my playful nature. However, as a writer, I prefer Cassandra. I even use the pen name Cassandra Fox (Fox is my grandmother’s maiden name and the fox is my spirit animal). 

            I’m hunched in the dark, losing my mind to the painstakingly mournful music that permeates my room. My purple and yellow socks usually stand full mast at my calves, but have fallen into wrinkled heaps at my ankles. This is me. This is me surrendering to my midnight illness, the plague of this young fox’s mind. Reaching down to grab my bright pink and orange flower cup, I take a long gulp of something other than water. Foxes are known for being cunning, and I have begun to believe that their ability to achieve through deceit is based upon their complete awareness of the world.  

           Sometimes I stare wide-eyed at the world and wonder if it is my awareness that makes me so vulnerable to my mind when I am alone in the inky depths of darkness. 

            The cunning fox will never allow you to know how she feels, so she will hide her vulnerabilities at all costs. However, her awareness of the world means that she is also aware of herself and, because of this, she is aware that hiding her wounds will only make them hurt more. She must first allow them to heal in the forest a breeze. As every fox knows, you can trust no one but yourself. She finds her breath of relief in writing, because she is opening up to a different world, one where open wounds in the forest are not her downfall. Once she worried who might come across the words she so carefully chewed, but the fox realized that with words, all things are possible. 

             With words, the cunning fox stands in a bipedal manner, her two long legs stretching for miles beneath her strong torso. This is her mask. The fox grows from forest floor to busy street, stopping only to run her fingers through her long hair. The red hair and green eyes are all that are left of her past life, but now the cunning fox is free to achieve her desires through deceit. Now she can be vulnerable, because she is being someone else. In the shadows she writes out her worries and pains, waiting till the morning when the sun will shine again. 

            As a fox, she is more than capable of surviving on her own in the wild, but as a human being, there is nothing that hurts her more than being alone with her thoughts at night. And so she writes. 

 Cassandra